FRIENDS: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.
FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings a nice bunt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: When their mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.
FRIENDS: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its usually only on special occasions.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00am and start pruning the trees with a chainsaw or renovating the garage.
FRIENDS: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: No problem, leave the kids there and if they get out of line the Italian friend can set them straight...plus they get fed.
FRIENDS: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal, know what I mean.
FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect cake and coffee,no more.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will come over for cake and coffee and expect an antipasto, a few bottles of wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few after dinner drinks...time permitting there will be a late lunch as well.
FRIENDS: Think that being ITALIAN is a great thing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Know that being ITAL IAN is a great thing
FRIENDS: Never ask for food
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FRIENDS: Will say hello
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together
FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIA N FRIENDS: Are for life.
@Crowy...It's so true! and the closer they are to the values of their heritage, the truer it is (not just Italian in name only). I studied to be a catholic priest many years ago and many of my friends were Italians from "Federal Hill" in Providence RI, most of sicilian origin. What you posted was true of most of them; not just Italians though, you found that same sort of frienship and loyalty in the Portugese guys, the Polish guys, the northern Irish guys etc. The one thing they all had in common was that they all came from "Old World" catholic families or they and their families were still very much in touch with the values of their cultures. I miss having such friends; they're hard to find in a "disposable society".
Why I fired my Secretary?..
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o?clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it?s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!?
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it?s such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?? I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind??
She said, 'let?s drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!
--
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do".
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope" said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one
sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with voice. ³Have you got a license for that thing?²
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him. ³OK² he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took
the corner near the TV wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and
shouted ³STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?² Ethel dug into her handbag,
pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said ³On
your way, Ma¹am.² As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her, buck-naked, and holding his you-know-what² in his hand.
³Oh, good grief,² yelled Ethel, ³Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again
>> A 5-yr old girls first job
>>
>> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
>>between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that
>>will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we
>>give a child the gift of our time.
>>
>> A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One
>>day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
>>empty lot.
>>
>> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
>>interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of
>>each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew,
>>all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a
>>kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
>>them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
>>jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>>
>> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a
>>pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home
>>to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay'
>>she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
>>When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
>>impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very
>>own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly
>>replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building
>>the new house next door to us.'
>>
>> 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be
>>working on the house again this week, too?'
>>
>> The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home
>>Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock...'
>>
>> Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
>>
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades....
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell who it was.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
A few minutes before the worship service got underway, the church go-
errs were quietly sitting in their pews, talking softly and waiting for
church to begin.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Terrified, everyone began screaming and running for the rear exit, even
trampling each other in a frantic effort to escape from this unexpected
appearance of evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church--except for one old elderly
gentleman who calmly sat in his pew, seemingly oblivious to Satan's
presence.
Satan walked up to the old man in a menacing fashion and said, "don't
you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do," replied the elderly man, quite calmly.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
"Don't you realize that I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," replied the old man, absolutely unfazed.
"Doesn't it bother you at all to know that I can cause you horrible pain
and bring terrible suffering into your life?" the devil persisted . . .
"Nope," was the man's reply.
Exasperated, the devil demanded of the old man, "why are you not afraid
of me?"
The old man calmly replied . . . "Been married to your sister for 48
years."
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"
"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him.
