A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
The moral of the above story misses the mark slightly. The poodle
wasn't an old fart. She was an old broad with a corner on age and
brilliance. Better watch out fellas! LMAO
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his
children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
We shall go to the end,we shall fight in France,we shall fight on the seas and oceans,we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air,we shall defend our Island,whatever the cost may be,we shall fight on the beaches,we shall fight on the landing grounds,we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,we shall fight in the hills;we shall never surrender
DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE GREAT MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back
in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
instantly.
We shall go to the end,we shall fight in France,we shall fight on the seas and oceans,we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air,we shall defend our Island,whatever the cost may be,we shall fight on the beaches,we shall fight on the landing grounds,we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,we shall fight in the hills;we shall never surrender
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship with Canadian Authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision
Canadians Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Kiss What???
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet, and scrub the mirror......
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get
there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give
me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed
it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle
opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two
hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will
not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road
at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy
are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still
isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any
longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to
eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts...... .
I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F**KING GOING!"
I got a chuckle out of this so I thought I'd post it:
IF...
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food every day
and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are
too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame
without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you
have no prejudice against creed, color, religion,
gender preference, or politics,
THEN,
you have
ALMOST
reached
the same level of development
as
your dog!
LMAO!! Sooo true!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.Then slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
>
> When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
> in A day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
> coffee.
>
> A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
> Front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
> large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
> He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
> was.
>
> The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
> jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
> between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
> full. They agreed it was.
>
> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
> Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
> the Jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
>
> The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
> poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
> space between the sand. The students laughed.
>
> "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
> recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
> important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends
> and your favourite passions--and if everything else was lost and only
> they remained, your life would still be full.
>
> The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
> And your car.
>
>
> The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into
> The jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
> golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and
> energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that
> are important to you.
>
> "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play
> with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
> spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
> clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls
> first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is
> just sand."
>
> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
> represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
> to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
> room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
>
>
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________
>
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
-Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
"One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn"
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the
same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often
do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard
to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers! , scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to
be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the
way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad 's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not
after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .
'Listen up, buddy I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - -
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the
head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's
some advice.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School
about 11 things they did not and will not learn in
school. He talks about how feel-good, politically
correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up
for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of
high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car
phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough,
wait till you get a boss!
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as
boring as they are now. They got that way from paying
your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners
and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they
have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't
get summers off and very few employers are interested
in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own
time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life
people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can read this: thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English: thank a soldier!
Pregnancy, Oestrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
"OESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7.. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3.. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
Large cities have both pro's and con's: they have a huge diversity in their population; long ago, it was because of acceptance and community ... Jews found safe haven in cities where in many other places, they were "Christ Killers". Immigrants of all flavors were accepted and they could establish their own communities without hastles ... the Irish, Polish, Russians, etc. Gay people also set up their own communities where they could lead normal lives in a community of other gay people without the fear of being beaten up, hunted down and even killed as they were (and still are) in other places. The list goes on and on.
The cons come in the fact that the large populations leads to a far greater degree of anonymity than found in suburban and rural areas attracting criminals, illegals etc. To a large degree, no one knows anyone outside of his/her circles.
I made a new friend and a good friend over the smallest and silliest little act of kindness to a neighbor. I live in a high-rise apartment building. There was a package in from on my neighbor's door. I noticed that he wasn't picking it up and assumed he was just gone for a bit. I took the package and left a note on his door that I had his package because I thought I would be stolen and to just knock or call which he did two or three days later. Given his reaction, you would think I'd saved his life or something ... like this was the greatest act of kindness ever. We've become pretty good friends in just a few days, hang out sometimes etc. All over something so simple. Strange the effect of what seems like the smallest and insignificant act of kindness can have on people.
