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jokes of the day
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Member
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15. June 2004 @ 05:49 |
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THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
> >
> >A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
> >female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
> >mailbox.
> >
> >
> >She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
> >
> >
> >A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
> >again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
> >
> >
> >Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to
> >edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it
> >and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
> >
> >
> >Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
> >
> >
> >To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
> >
>
> >(Are you ready? this is a beauty ...)
> >
> >
> >My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"
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Hanedrick
Senior Member
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15. June 2004 @ 08:31 |
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LOL. That's good, I haven't heard that one before.
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Moderator
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15. June 2004 @ 10:57 |
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Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women.
#10 - you can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
> >
#9 - you can keep one handgun at home, and have another for
when you're on the road.
> >
#8 - if you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
> >
#7 - your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
handgun for a back up.
> >
#6 - your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
> >
#5 - a handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
> >
#4 - handguns function normally every day of the month.
> >
#3 - a handgun doesn't ask, "do these new grips make me look fat? "
> >
#2 - a handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
> >
and, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
> >
#1 - you can buy a silencer for a handgun.
My killer sig came courtesy of bb "El Jefe" mayo.
The Forum Rules You Agreed To! http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/2487
"And there we saw the giants, and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight" - Numbers 13:33 This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. June 2004 @ 10:58
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roeod4
Member
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15. June 2004 @ 13:42 |
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A guy walks into the doctors office and says "Doc, you gotta help me I have a problem with my penis!"
The doctor tells him to go into the exam room, remove his clothes, and wait. Ater a few minutes the doctor comes in and asks to see the guys penis. So the man pulls it out from under the gown and it is bright orange.
The doctor is shocked, he has never seen anything like this before, but after examining the man for a few minutes he comes to a conclusion and says. "This must be stress related. Have you had anything happen in the last few weeks that has caused and unusual amount of stress?"
"No, nothing I can think of." the man replies
"Do you have a girlfriend?" the doctor asks
"No, we broke up."
"Well, that must be it. Break-ups can be very stressful."
"No." the man says "she was cheating on me and taking all my money. I am glad I am rid of that bitch."
"Ok," the doctor says trying to think "what about your family?"
"No, my parents died last week."
"Oh, my God! I'm sorry to hear that, but that has to be it. There is nothing more stressful than losing a parent. Was it an accident?"
"Yea, they drove off a cliff, but we hated each other and besides I got a huge inheritance and I am very rich now."
"Well, then there has to be something causing this." the doctor says, still thinking. "Do you have any hobbies?"
"No, not really." the guy says "Most days I just sit around eating Cheetos and watching porn."
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Member
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16. June 2004 @ 12:05 |
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good 1's
Female vs Male
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkeys, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.
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roeod4
Member
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17. June 2004 @ 05:43 |
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An old man and his wife get pulled over for speeding and the cop comes to the window:
Officer - Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Old man - Fast? Officer I didn't realize I was speeding?
Old Woman - George, don't tell this young man lies, you know you were speeding.
Old man - Shut up woman are you trying to get me in trouble?
Officer - Is this true sir?
Old man - Well yes I know I was speeding right now, but I never do it normally officer.
Old woman - George, don't lie again! You speed all the time and you know it.
Old man - Damn it woman, do you want us to get a ticket?
Officer - Well sir I also see that your seat belt is not fastened. You know that it is a law in this state that you must have your seatbelt fastened while you are driving?
Old man - Yes officer I do, but you see when you pulled me over I had to get my wallet and I couldn't get it out of my back pocket with the seatbelt on.
Old woman - Oh my God, George stop lying! You never wear your seatbelt, you say you feel confined with it on.
Old man - You stupid cow, what the hell is wrong with you?
Officer - Ma' am, is he always this mean to you?
Old woman - Oh no officer, he only gets like this when he drinks a lot.
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Buik
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 13:14 |
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Winter Forecasting
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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Buik
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 13:17 |
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A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's
great, just great. Some asshole's got my pen."
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Kamran
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 14:13 |
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A blonde walks into a library. ?Excuse me ? can I have a burger and large fries, please?? she demands. Tutting, the librarian looks back at her. ?Miss,? he says, ?this is a library.? The blonde leans over the counter. ?I?m sorry,? she whispers. ?Can I have a burger and large fries, please??
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Kamran
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 14:19 |
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A brave knight has to go off to fight in the Crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home. As he can?t trust his wife to be left on her own, he fits her with a very special chastity belt made out of razor blades. On his victorious return, he lines up all his male staff, and makes them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a whole line of shredded todgers, apart from one.
He goes up to that man and said, ?I trusted you and, unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land.? To which the man replies, ?Ugg ou gery muk.?
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. June 2004 @ 15:16 |
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Why do English Woman love the national soccer team?
They're on top for 90 minutes and still come second....
Ohh....and i loved the indian fire wood one LMAO
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Buik
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 17:26 |
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How do you spell "weatherman"?
L I A R
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 17:57 |
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 17:57 |
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. June 2004 @ 17:59 |
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lol very true
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
-------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, 'Sorry, try again.'
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:00 |
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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with
2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with
2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money
that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned
around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
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roeod4
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:00 |
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kcc76,
That Chinese one was funny! LMAO
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Buik
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:03 |
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Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me. "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in
Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and WestVirginia.
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:06 |
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nice 1's oriphus
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod,
O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of
beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:09 |
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good 1 buik
just thinking of some more iv got plenty
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. June 2004 @ 18:10
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Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:12 |
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the
pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's
nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin.
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Buik
Member
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19. June 2004 @ 18:59 |
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Thank god for the safety valve.
I've worked as a safety officer. It's like trying to outsmart idiots.
I wouldn't want to F*ck any of the Kerry's. I've got some standards
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. June 2004 @ 19:00
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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20. June 2004 @ 10:12 |
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"Poor Little" Osama
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.
There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. !
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"
" Please Read!!! Post your questions only in This Thread or they will go unanswered:
Help with development of BD RB: Donations at: http://www.jdobbs.com/. |
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Buik
Member
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20. June 2004 @ 11:22 |
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1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only One. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
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Bitcount
Account closed as per user's own request
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20. June 2004 @ 23:23 |
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Sophocles you stole that from Robin Williams!!!! it's still funny of course.
These are from the "Darwin Awards", true stories about people who are too "stoopid" to live.
-Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
And this one's for roeod4
A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt
And this last one's because i love Conan O'Brien
"The Chinese government launched China's first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they've decided to call it Fox News." ?Conan O'Brien
"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 20. June 2004 @ 23:24
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