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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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ddp
Moderator
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5. February 2005 @ 10:29 |
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andmerr, have you been drinking grog???
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bklyn1028
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5. February 2005 @ 11:37 |
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guys dies goes to heaven.....st pete meets him......says...
"let me give you the guided tour"
guy sees golden streets.....new buildings...ppl walkingaround smiling
st pete looks at him...."do you like to eat"?
guys says...."absolutely"
"you'll love mondays....we put out one heck of a spread, gourmet, anything you like...never gain a pound"
"do you like to drink"?
"absolutely"
"you'll love tuesdays.....any drink in the would you want is there....and you never get a hangover"
guys says .."fantastic"
"do you like to smoke"
"absolutely, i love it"
"Wednesday is your day then, cuban cigars, no medical effects....., nothing"
"how about movies"
guy says..."i love em"
"great, thursday is your day then, any movie ever made is yours to watch, anytime you want"
St Pete stops, looks at the guy, asks...."you gay"
guys says........."no way"
st pete says..."your not gonna be too fond of Fridays"
garlic and olive oil.....makes a person sound...maybe a little mayo too...forget the mayo...had a stint put in.....
EVGA 680i....Intel E6600......2 hitachi 120GB sata...striped nvidia raid 0..2 GB Corsair DDR2 1066...NZXT Lexa case....EVGA 8800GTX ...NEC 3550 dvdrw, Toshiba dvd rombof DEll 2405fpw
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andmerr
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5. February 2005 @ 11:46 |
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you must be psychic ddp or something.Been a hard night ,tried some bundy and dry,cruisers and some mudshakes
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andmerr
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5. February 2005 @ 11:50 |
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got a cure for a massive hang over, oh sorry that might be the name of the next thread " Proven Hangover cures 101"
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ddp
Moderator
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6. February 2005 @ 06:48 |
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been known to read minds on occassion
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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6. February 2005 @ 08:45 |
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Gamblers Revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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Senior Member
1 product review
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12. February 2005 @ 01:32 |
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better late than never........
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"First check for bees."
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
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rick5446
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12. February 2005 @ 08:43 |
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A Radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the Dictionary yet,that could still be used in a sentence,that would make logical sense
The prize was a trip to Bali!!
D.J.- "96 FM here,what's your name?"
Caller-"Hi my names Dave"
D.J.-"Dave,what's your word?"
Caller-"Goan...spelt G-O-A-N,pronounced'Go-An'"
D.J.-"You are correct,Dave 'goan'is not in the Dictionary.Now for a trip
to Bali:What sentence can you use the word in that would make sense?
Caller-"Goan fuck yourself"
The D.J.cut's the caller off & takes other calls,all unsuccessful.Until::
D.J."96FM,whats your name?"
caller-"Hi my name's Jeff."
D.J.-"Jeff what's your word?'
Caller-"Smee...spelt S-M-E-E,pronounced 'smee'.
D.J....You are correct,Jeff,"smee"is not in the Dictionary.Now,for a trip to Bali:What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller-"Smee again!Goan fuck yourself
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epepper9
Member
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12. February 2005 @ 11:36 |
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lol, smee, he he lol
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epepper9
Member
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12. February 2005 @ 11:36 |
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...
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 12. February 2005 @ 11:37
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andmerr
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12. February 2005 @ 13:26 |
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passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.They are getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assure them that the pilots will be there shortly,and they will be leaving immediately after that.The entrance opens and 2 men dressed in pilots uniforms wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog , the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane
Nervous laughter enters the plane but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines roar into life.The passengers glance around looking to see if this is a practical joke.None is forthcoming.The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realise that they are heading for the water and certain death.As it begins to dawn on the passengers that the plane is not going to take off but plow into the drink, panic screams fill the cabin but the plane suddenly lifts off the ground.
The passengers relax look a bit sheepishly at one another and go back to reading there magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says
" you know bob one of these days they're going to scream to late and we are all going to die"
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epepper9
Member
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12. February 2005 @ 16:55 |
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good one, lol
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1 product review
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24. February 2005 @ 22:25 |
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A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that?s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog?s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.
The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog?s neck."
"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn?t have a siren."
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.
"Do you know what I?m doing?" he asks.
"Yes," she replies. "You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."
"That?s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I?m doing now?"
"You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.
"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I?m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You?re getting herpes?which is what I came here about in the first place."
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A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, ?Man, I?d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!?
The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, ?Aren?t you going to do anything!??
The husband replies, ?First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn?t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I?m not going to mess with anybody who can eat that much ice cream!?
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epepper9
Member
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24. February 2005 @ 23:08 |
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ewww and lol
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andmerr
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24. February 2005 @ 23:18 |
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good one zip, have a look at my other thread " congrats to prince charles etc... what are your thoughts, reckon he rides her like a horse'
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Senior Member
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25. February 2005 @ 02:12 |
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I offered my two cents worth on that one. rather comical, but kind of not.
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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25. February 2005 @ 10:21 |
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Sleeping Couple
Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Joanne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the
monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have
some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a
while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so
stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. crocodile sees this and swims over to the
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard
explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and
wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Shit
Dude........How much water did you drink?!"
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epepper9
Member
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26. February 2005 @ 14:53 |
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I posted that joke on the first page of this thread, lol.
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ddp
Moderator
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26. February 2005 @ 15:17 |
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i thought i had read it here just couldn't remember were but was about 2 guys not guy/girl couple
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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26. February 2005 @ 17:35 |
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PMS Security Threat Level
A warning from HomeLife Security....
http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z
Has Sound) ... be sure to push the buttons.
(This belongs in this thread.)
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 26. February 2005 @ 17:39
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andmerr
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26. February 2005 @ 18:49 |
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thats was very good but now i have a question.I recorded the screen as i watched it and it comes out as a very good AVI but there is no sound how do i get the sound file?
i was using camtasia 2
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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26. February 2005 @ 18:56 |
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its about 6.6meg i can send it to any one who wishes to play around with it
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epepper9
Member
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27. February 2005 @ 00:57 |
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lol PMS can occur at any moment.
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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27. February 2005 @ 05:18 |
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epepper9
Member
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27. February 2005 @ 18:54 |
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bahahhahahhaha that's classic lol
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