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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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bklyn1028
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2. March 2005 @ 13:23 |
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a skeleton walks into a bar
orders a pitcher of beer and a mop
lol
garlic and olive oil.....makes a person sound...maybe a little mayo too...forget the mayo...had a stint put in.....
EVGA 680i....Intel E6600......2 hitachi 120GB sata...striped nvidia raid 0..2 GB Corsair DDR2 1066...NZXT Lexa case....EVGA 8800GTX ...NEC 3550 dvdrw, Toshiba dvd rombof DEll 2405fpw
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1 product review
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2. March 2005 @ 18:58 |
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George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty,
how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give
me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer
an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please
send The Prime Minister in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room.
"Your Majesty..." The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would
be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says
the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this
for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks
to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that
riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face -
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 Protecting coffee tables everywhere! |
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epepper9
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2. March 2005 @ 20:50 |
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lol
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andmerr
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2. March 2005 @ 22:25 |
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where do you guys come up with this stuff, that won was awesome .
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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3. March 2005 @ 02:02 |
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You know what the sad thing about that joke is!?!?!?
It probably would be true if Bush did ask that question!!!!
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andmerr
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3. March 2005 @ 05:44 |
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fri 4/3/05
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now
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cmoney
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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4. March 2005 @ 03:19 |
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. March 2005 @ 13:38 |
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A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. The fugitive orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, takes the woman and ties her to the bed. In the middle of it, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you". To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
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ddp
Moderator
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4. March 2005 @ 14:53 |
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good 1
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andmerr
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4. March 2005 @ 17:35 |
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(lol)
These two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.
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andmerr
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4. March 2005 @ 17:39 |
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Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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4. March 2005 @ 17:41 |
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs
over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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andmerr
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4. March 2005 @ 17:41 |
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EXCUSES TO USE FOR NOT GOING TO WORK TOMORROW
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. . .
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
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epepper9
Member
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4. March 2005 @ 23:31 |
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ALL GREAT!!!
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Senior Member
1 product review
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4. March 2005 @ 23:32 |
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Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk With him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful Baby. The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said He will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh*t outta Luck if he needed glasses."
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andmerr
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5. March 2005 @ 00:11 |
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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epepper9
Member
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5. March 2005 @ 00:27 |
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hehe they were great also! I would paste some jokes up, but you guys know where to find 'em anyway.
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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5. March 2005 @ 02:02 |
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This is one very brave penguin!!!!
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epepper9
Member
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5. March 2005 @ 10:00 |
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bahahahahahahahaah lol
what about this
and this:
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andmerr
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5. March 2005 @ 10:09 |
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the first one was one of nephs favorites in another thread but the duck one i havent seen before.
cool
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andmerr
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5. March 2005 @ 10:14 |
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A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and the steward Benny.
Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.
The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident doctor. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me."
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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5. March 2005 @ 17:09 |
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I love the cat sniper, it?s great!!!
But those poor little ducks, that?s so sad... :(
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ddp
Moderator
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5. March 2005 @ 19:14 |
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at least the sewer gators got something to eat instead of utility workers
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Member
1 product review
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5. March 2005 @ 20:32 |
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Protecting coffee tables everywhere! |
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andmerr
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6. March 2005 @ 20:38 |
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The successful banker parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door.
The banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bankers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the banker arrogantly.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Fuck!" screamed the banker. "Where's my Rolex?"
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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
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A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
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A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."
Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"
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