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If the right side of the brain is controlled by the left side of the body, then only left-handed people are in their right minds.

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I'm lost, I've gone to look for myself. If I return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

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Been there - Done that. Can't remember where I've been or what I've done.

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January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!

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Maybe Billyboy and Ripper are really William and Harry?

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i have the lightning rods & you don't!!!!!!

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Strange and True Facts about Death

From Snowy's Silly Facts come these authentic facts with sources provided. You can read more of these facts about death at their website.

(1) More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
(2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
(3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
(4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europe's population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.
(5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
(8) Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
(9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000.
(10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms.
(11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.
(13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition.
(14) Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
(15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.
(16) When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.
(17) In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
(18) Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.
(19) When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley's comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halley's comet was once again visible in the sky.

"I'm not afraid of death. It's just that I don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because
of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but
it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and
trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse

things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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