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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the
weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat
tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could
make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
studied that night for the exam.

The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they
thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be
easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? ________________

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Looking for WHO for Child Support

The following are reputedly replies included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing details about the father:

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Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

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I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

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I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

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I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

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I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

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I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

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I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

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John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

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From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

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So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, [my eggs] might have remained unfertilised.

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Pain Relifes

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my n@ts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Originally posted by ireland:

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for gerry1,ye think ye have pain

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my n@ts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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A Modern Parable

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided
to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and
hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged
and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A
management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8
people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people
steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They
advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not
enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1
assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new
performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First
Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens and a certificate of
completion for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles,
canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower (a reduction in
workforce) for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the
paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money
saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next
year's racing team was "out-sourced" to India .

The End.....


Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving its factories out of the US,
claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the
last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the U.S. (Many of
us who drive Japanese cars though, look specifically for cars built in Japan
as they tend to be built to a much higher quality standard than other
vehicles with the same brand name on them built in the US.)

The last quarter's results:
Toyota made $4 billion in profits while Ford racked up $9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

Truth is stranger than fiction..............

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An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me . . . put me down for Friday.

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