|
|
|
Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
|
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 12:48 |
Link to this message
|
|
How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket (Andrew's going to love this one)
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the lady who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun ?? ...There's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what ?
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too!
|
|
Advertisement
|
 |
|
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 12:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
Hi Tech At It's Best
A Hi-Tech Guy A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says, "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 12:54 |
Link to this message
|
|
Things to do at a department store while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position an scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!".
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 18:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.
I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant".
Come here and give your old man a hug!"
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 18:51 |
Link to this message
|
|
Fastest Thing In The World
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."
Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."
Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."
Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."
The other three guys say really? Why's that?
And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I s@@t my pants!"
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
29. December 2005 @ 18:54 |
Link to this message
|
|
"Brrr!"
This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.
The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".
The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"
The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer d@@k!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin.
"Well, how do ya pee?"
The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"
|
Member
|
30. December 2005 @ 05:06 |
Link to this message
|
|
A guy walks into a bar and orders 21 shots of tequila. The bartender, thinking he misheard, asks again. The guy repeats his original order. Curious, the bartender asks him if he's celebrating something. The guy says he is and the bartender, still pouring shots smiles and wishes him a happy birthday. The guy says "No, it's not my birthday, I'm celebrating my first b/*%job!". The bartender more intrigued than ever asks the significance of the number 21. The guy answers: "That's about how many shots I figure it will take to get this taste out of my mouth!"
MS Windows XP MCE SP2, Intel P4 3.20 GHz, 2.0 GB RAM, NVIDIA GeForce FX5600, Seagate 7200 rpm 200GB HDD, Sony SDMHS93 19" LCD, Field Value
Audio Adapter Creative SB0317 Audigy LS Sound Card, Liteon models,SHM-165H6S, 167to6c, All burns exclusively on genuine Taiyo Yuden and Verbatim media!
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
30. December 2005 @ 11:09 |
Link to this message
|
HOW WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT
Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING
Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".
For example:
Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??
Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!
Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?
Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 30. December 2005 @ 11:17
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
31. December 2005 @ 10:40 |
Link to this message
|
|
Moderator Sanity Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a Moderator asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the Moderator. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
31. December 2005 @ 10:47 |
Link to this message
|
|
A Boob Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
31. December 2005 @ 10:49 |
Link to this message
|
|
50 Useful Insults
1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?
2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.
10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.
11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. You should need a license to be that ugly.
13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
16. You have the IQ of lint.
17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.
24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.
31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.
34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.
35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.
36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!
39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?
|
|
i_suck
Suspended permanently
|
31. December 2005 @ 10:51 |
Link to this message
|
|
could i tell yo mama jokes?
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
31. December 2005 @ 10:54 |
Link to this message
|
|
i_suck,sure why not..
A Tight Skirt and Friendship
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. T
The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
|
|
i_suck
Suspended permanently
|
31. December 2005 @ 13:10 |
Link to this message
|
|
yo mama so fat, when she sits on a ps2 it turns into a psp.
yo mama so fat, when she went to the movie theather, she has to [pay 5 tickets.
yo mama so fat, when she fills up the bath tub, she fills up the bath tubs
yo mama so fat that she sits next to budha.
yo mama so fat, when she went into a buffet, the owner cries.
yo mama so fat, king kong was her allies.
yo mama so fat, when she went into the zoo, she got lock up with the elephant.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
31. December 2005 @ 18:58 |
Link to this message
|
|
@I suck....... YOU DO!!!!!!
kjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 31. December 2005 @ 18:58
|
|
i_suck
Suspended permanently
|
31. December 2005 @ 19:22 |
Link to this message
|
|
i forgot all of the good ones, havent used them since elementary schools.
|
Member
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:42 |
Link to this message
|
|
How 'bout :
Yo momma so hairy, bigfoot takes pictures of her
Yo momma so fat her shadow weighs 10 pounds
Yo momma so ugly you gotta tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her
MS Windows XP MCE SP2, Intel P4 3.20 GHz, 2.0 GB RAM, NVIDIA GeForce FX5600, Seagate 7200 rpm 200GB HDD, Sony SDMHS93 19" LCD, Field Value
Audio Adapter Creative SB0317 Audigy LS Sound Card, Liteon models,SHM-165H6S, 167to6c, All burns exclusively on genuine Taiyo Yuden and Verbatim media!
|
|
i_suck
Suspended permanently
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:49 |
Link to this message
|
|
yo mama so ugly, she made michael jackson looks like tom cruise.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
A BLONDE EMERGENCY
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:51 |
Link to this message
|
|
A STIFF ONE
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:52 |
Link to this message
|
|
A HORNY SADDLE
A blonde girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.
Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaa-Hooo!," and gallops off.
"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"
"Why, nothing," says the blonde, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."
"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:53 |
Link to this message
|
|
BREASTSTROKE
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 06:58 |
Link to this message
|
|
What If Food Was Dirty
And Sex Was Clean? (you mean it's not??)
When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut." Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns,
mister." Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 07:05 |
Link to this message
|
|
Irish Humor
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
-------------
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
-------------
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
|
|
Advertisement
|
|
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
1. January 2006 @ 07:24 |
Link to this message
|
|
EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS!!
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...
or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
If A@@holes Could Fly, You'd Train Pilots.
SSDM: Same S@it; Different Millennium.
Jesus Loves You Everyone Else Thinks You're An A@@hole.
Some People Are Alive Because It's Against The Law To Kill Them.
What Part Of www.MakeMe.com Don't You Understand?
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A@@holes.
If I Gave A S@it, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To.
Welcome To S@it Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
It's Better To Be An Old Fart Than A Young Shithead.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. January 2006 @ 07:28
|
|
