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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. January 2006 @ 14:32 |
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SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR IS TOO OLD
- He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.
- He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.
- He's always yelling at kids running across his waiting room.
- Instead of hooking you up to an EKG, he accidentally wires you up to a TV set showing "Murder She Wrote."
- He tells you about the latest in anesthesia... and then hands you a bullet to bite on.
- He worked at Mt. Sinai... unfortunately it was with Moses.
- Says he's skeptical about this new penicillin drug.
- Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is... he's giving you a rectal exam.
- After installing a pacemaker, he says a second heart operation will be needed to retrieve his missing teeth.
- After discovering he's out of colostomy bags, he says, "Here, use mine."
- When he pulls out thermometer and says "102"... he's talking about his age.
- You see him tapping that Knee Hammer on a 5 iron.
- Says he served as a medic during the war... the Civil War.
- He was Eve's gynecologist.
- Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath... signed by Hippocrates.
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. January 2006 @ 14:35 |
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THE PROSTITUTE'S HEART TRANSPLANT
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. January 2006 @ 14:37 |
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SIGNS YOUR DENTIST IS CRAZY
- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
- Insists that a Novocain shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. January 2006 @ 14:42 |
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YOUR AUTOPSY
Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!
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mackdl
Senior Member
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24. January 2006 @ 17:26 |
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The Birds and The Bees
Ten year old Tommy's father asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.
Tommy burst into tears and shrieked, "No, I don't want to know!"
Confused by his reaction, his dad asked him what was wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Tommy sobbed, "When I was six, you gave me the 'there's no Santa' speech. When I turned seven you gave me the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech, and when I got to be eight it was the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. Now that I'm ten, if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, then there's nothing left for me to live for!"
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Senior Member
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25. January 2006 @ 09:10 |
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
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Senior Member
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25. January 2006 @ 09:12 |
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:37 |
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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:38 |
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Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:39 |
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The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
The Ages of Man:
(read these ones carefully)
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.
3. Over 47: Try weakly.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:42 |
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Answers To Everything
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
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How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
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How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
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Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh@t."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:44 |
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Mens Room Etiquette
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules
Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
Graffiti rules
All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules
Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed your pants again.
Toilet rules
Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
Always flush.
When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases
Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around.
If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:50 |
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T-Shirt Slogans For Women
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and @iss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
Don't @iss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is . . .
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!
Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:52 |
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Questions and answers about men
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001
From: Mickey&Karen
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What is the difference between men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
P.S. AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN IS POSSIBLE
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2006 @ 13:54 |
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Idiots of the Year
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot #4
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop, nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot #5
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot #6
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Idiot #7
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Idiot #8
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained a picture of handcuffs.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 12:26 |
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Bracelet
A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 12:27 |
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Carpet
An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, "I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them."
"Now, I just need to find my budgie."
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 12:28 |
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Good news, bad news
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 12:29 |
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Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 12:33 |
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Supermarket
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."
________________________________________________________________
Turkey
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
____________________________________________________________________
Doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.
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Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
___________________________________________________________________
Magic
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 13:41 |
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found it in the paper a while back,and kids at school had their way.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. February 2006 @ 13:48 |
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i have a couple of bush joke pixs
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 17. February 2006 @ 13:54
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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17. February 2006 @ 16:43 |
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Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log.
Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
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A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey.It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"
The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whispher "He can't come to the phone."
The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."
The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. "Yes," he wispered. "The police and the firemen are here too." When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're busy too. They can't come to the phone either."
Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.
The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. February 2006 @ 03:52 |
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Dr Seuss does computers!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
(WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.)
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. February 2006 @ 03:53 |
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Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
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