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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:48 |
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Deer hunting in bear country
A first time deer hunter booked a hunt with an experienced outfitter. He would be hunting a productive area, but it was filled with grizzly bears. When he got to camp, he insisted that his guide be 60 years old or older. The outfitter thought this was very odd, seeing that the hunter himself was in his early thirties.
The novice hunter downed a nice buck, but skinning and butchering the deer attracted some big grizzlies in the area. The hunter returned to base camp with his clothes shredded, telling the story of being attacked by a bear.
The outfitter wanted to know where his guide was. The hunter said he was still laying in the woods. The outfitter asked him how his clothes got torn, and the hunter said that while they were working on the deer carcass, a grizzly bear had ambushed them and he was attacked.
He said, "I hit the bear with my gun and took off running. As I was running away the guide yelled at me to play dead, that you can't outrun a bear. I yelled back, I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:52 |
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Bruce and Bubba go deer hunting
Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the ground, making it hard to pull.
Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man, and he went on.
After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. Bruce turned to Bubba and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."
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The old buck and young buck
Their was this old buck and a young buck standing on top of a ridge overlooking a lush meadow. Grazing in the meadow below were about 20 unsuspecting doe.
The young buck said to the old buck "Why don't we run down to the meadow and mate with one of those doe".
The old buck turns to the young buck and replied "Why don't we walk down to the meadow and mate with them all".
Moral of the story "With age comes wisdom".
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Man and wife at the big horn show
A man takes his wife to the Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and joined the seminar already in progress.
About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."
His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from these deer."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."
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Three bucks
Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.
The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."
The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."
The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."
Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.
Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."
The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."
But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.
Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."
"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"
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Two men go hunting
Two men from the states were very excited about a 3 day hunting trip. They were going to Canada to hunt some big game animals, since they were just used to hunting small deer, rabbit, and squirrel in the states. The first day the game warden wished them luck cause it hadn't been a good season and no one had killed anything in two weeks.
The two men left to go hunting and when they came back that night the warden greeted them by saying, "Have any luck?" The men pulled up a huge buck that they had killed which had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden congratulated them and said, "That was one heck of a shot."
The next day the warden greeted the two men again before they left and again wished them luck. This night the men came back with an even bigger buck and the buck also had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden was amazed at their success and also the good aim the hunters had.
The last day went about the same as the first two and on the last night the two hunters came back with a huge grizzly bear. The bear also had a bullet hole right between the eyes but it also had a hole in each paw. The warden noticed this and questioned the two men how that happened. One of the hunters replied with, "That's where he tried to cover his eyes from the spot light."
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow
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A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asks the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going too have to impound them and arrest you." The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every night I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you it really works." "OK I've got to see this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are you going to call them back?" the warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The fish" the warden said. "What fish?" the man asked
(note for me,end of page one..on hunting..}
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:08 |
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Beat Up Car
You might have a beat car if the police are constantly pulling you over to check for dead bodies because the car stinks so bad.
You might have a beat car if your own mother would rather walk ten miles to your house, then ride in the car.
You might have a beat car if your own wife divorices you because she is so ashamed of it.
You might have a beat car if everyone in your town stops and stares and says what the hell?
You might have a beat car if your own mechanic hung himself to avoid working on your car.
You might have a beat car if everytime you pull into your local Pepboys and everyone asks you if you won the demo derby?
You might have a beat car if the entire thing is held together by duct tape and clothes hangers.
You might have a beat car if everytime you drive it people think it's on fire and call 911 because it smokes so bad.
You might have a beat car if you try to put it in a junkyard and the owners tell you were not taking that piece of crap.
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35 Fun Things To Do While Driving
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
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Car Owners Hate Book
From MAD Magazine Issue 154, October 1972
Don't You Hate...
... being the only one caught speeding when you were just going as fast as everyone else.
... getting into the "Exact Change Only" lane and ending up behind a guy who finds he hasn't got the exact change.
... when something happens the day after you let your comprehensive insurance expire.
... the nauseating smell of gasoline that wafts forward to tell you that they've over-filled your tank again.
... "One Way" and "No Turn" signs that take you miles out of your way. ... bumpers that are higher than yours.
... repair shops that always have to order the part you desperately need. ... finally getting into that moving lane only to find that it abruptly stops ... and your old one moves from then on.
... a convertible top that invariably fails to operate whenever there's a sudden cloudburst.
... lending your car to someone ... and after it's returned, the engine makes a strange sound you've never heard before.
... car radios that fade out at critical moments.
... finding a vacant space where you parked your car.
... strange noises that always disappear the minute you take your new car back to the dealer ... and re-appear again right after you leave.
... having to go to the bathroom on one of those new treeless, bushless, exitless super-highways.
... hearing the unmistakable sound of a failing engine when you're right smack in the middle of the worst section of town.
... people who carelessly track whatever they stepped into right into your brand new car.
... know-it-all mechanics who insist that it's perfectly okay to do exactly the opposite - or use other parts - than what the manufacturer of your car specifically recommends.
... people who let kids eat in your new car.
... two cars that take up three parking spaces.
... glimpsing your car keys in the ignition just as you're slamming the locked car door.
... getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere when you're dressed to the hilt.
... lending someone your car with a full tank of gas - and having it returned with exactly two drops left.
... your new car's air conditioner that conks out during the first heat wave.
... reminding you of how the heater conked out during the first cold wave.
... being trapped between two huge trucks ... and having to go miles beyond your turn-off.
... forgetting where you parked your car in a 10,000 car parking lot. ... finding a strange new puddle in your garage.
... gas station attendants who act like they're doing you the biggest favor in the world when they finally get to you.
... returning to your car the next morning just as the last faint glimmer of light fades from your headlights.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:31 |
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you Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 17. January 2006 @ 10:32
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:33 |
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Car Names Explained
AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
PINTO - Put in new transmission often.
PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:35 |
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City Driving Rules
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real city driver never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when driving in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last availabe exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Using an on/off ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway traffic drops below 10 m.p.h.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in most metro areas.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster if he was in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.
Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving thanks to state DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good insurance.
Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.
Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Pedestrians caught in the cross-walk when the light changes are fair game. Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.
It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a city street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.
Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:36 |
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Classified Ad Translator
Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.
Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.
Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.
Minor Rust - Don't sit down!
Minor Rust - Major rust you can?t see.
Low Mileage - Only 170,000.
Convertible - After driving under truck.
Runs Great - Too bad it doesn?t roll.
Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.
Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.
Needs Paint - To cover rust.
New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.
Fully Loaded - Seller is too.
All Options - 8-track player.
Only 59,000 Miles - Actually 359,000 miles.
Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.
Must Sell - Before the law finds seller.
Must Sell - Need bail money.
Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.
Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.
Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.
Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.
Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.
Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.
Doesn?t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.
Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.
4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.
Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.
New Tires - Retreads years ago.
Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.
Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.
Car Cover - To help keep out rats.
Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.
Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.
Fully Restored - Nothing original.
Smog Exempt - DMV doesn't think so.
Tags Till Next Year - Stolen year sticker.
Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:38 |
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Classified Ad Translator 2
Must Sell - Before it blows up.
Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.
Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.
Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.
Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.
All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.
Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.
Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.
Engine Quiet - Uses 90-weight oil
Parts Car - Beyond repair.
Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.
Immaculate - Recently washed.
Concours - Recently waxed.
Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.
Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.
Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.
Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.
Drive It Anywhere - I live on a hill.
Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.
Desireable Classic - No one wants it.
Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.
Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.
Ran When Stored - Won't start.
Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.
Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid
Restored With 0 Miles - Won't start.
Restored With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.
Older Restoration - First owner washed it.
Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.
No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.
95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.
Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.
Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.
Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what it means either.
Exellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.
Low Miles - The odometer was turned back.
One Owner - Can't give it away.
Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.
..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.
Faster Than A 'Vette - A Chevette.
Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:40 |
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Annoying Bumper Stickers
1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
2. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
4. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
5. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
6. Keep honking while I reload.
7. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
8. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, an amusement park.
10. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
11. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
12. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
15. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
18. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
19. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
20. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
21.Horn Broke....Watch for finger!
22.Armed pitbull with aids on board.
23.I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:41 |
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Driving Test
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't get my license plate number!
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying: "Guns don't kill people. I do!
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your Car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Being too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problem would you face if arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd lose my buzz.
Q: How would it change your life if you had your license suspended or revoked?
A: I'd have to drive illegally.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when passing or being passed?
A: If the driver is cute, make eye contact and wave "hello".
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:43 |
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Mercedes Benz/BMW Driving Test
1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) check.
(C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) yellow.
(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.
3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.
(B) 25 MPH.
(C) 45 MPH.
(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.
4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.
(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.
5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.
(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.
6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.
(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
(D) When ever you darn well feel like it.
7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must stop.
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order chinese food while passing on the left.
8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car wash.
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.
9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.
(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.
(D) when you have missed your turn.
10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.
11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
(A) two blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.
(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.
12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
(A) only at an intersection.
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.
(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.
14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.
(B) $20,000-40,000.
(C) $40,000-80,000.
(D) $80,000 and up.
Scoring: If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz/BMW Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz or BMW authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz or BMW Automobile of your choice. If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz or BMW motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest. If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz or BMW Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a good car. Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz and BMW Automobiles.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:44 |
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You Are What You Drive
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I'm impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.
Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I'm dating a midget.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, Tires, & Orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:45 |
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Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
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Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:49 |
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Real Insurance Claims
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:50 |
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Fast Food Drive Thru
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways, which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:52 |
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35 Fun Things To Do While Driving
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 10:53 |
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AOL Car
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 11:06 |
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A Letter from Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 11:09 |
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I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 11:12 |
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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17. January 2006 @ 19:22 |
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...........and for all you people who think i'm sexist i like to re visit this photo for one and all
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Senior Member
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19. January 2006 @ 10:54 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. January 2006 @ 10:55
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Moderator
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19. January 2006 @ 11:34 |
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Lol mkaseatgb =)
And nice new sig, btw :-)
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mackdl
Senior Member
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19. January 2006 @ 11:47 |
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Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with your 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy a married man after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -- they are earthy. These gifts are OK for single men. But remember that for them this is just a means to an end, like a cat sees bird seed.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Ace Hardware, Big 5, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need." "Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger and action. That's why they never cook -- unless the cooking process involves a gadget that does something cool. That is why they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Smoke and flames! Who wants a hamburger?" Get him the George Forman Lean Mean Grilling Machine. "Whoa! Look at the grease come out of that burger!" Don't get him a bread machine-booooring.
Rule #12: Tickets to a ball game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why -- please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. January 2006 @ 15:25 |
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we all have bad days and good days.....
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MAN
Get up.
Pass gas.
Drink cup of black coffee.
Pass gas.
Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
Pass gas.
Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work.
Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
Drive to work.
Pass gas at stop light.
Open window to air out car.
Get to work at McDonalds.
Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy).
Forget to wash hands.
Lunch-Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
Pass gas.
Arrive home.
Pass gas.
Have a beer.
Pass gas.
Tell wife you want sex.
Belch.
Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return
to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you
are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online.
Pass gas.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. January 2006 @ 15:28
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