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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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Moderator
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1. January 2006 @ 16:05 |
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@ ddp, creaky, nephilim, andmerr, and all the others with a thousands of posts, this one's for y'all.
The question is, is ^it^ true or false, lol ;)
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. January 2006 @ 16:09
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AfterDawn Addict
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1. January 2006 @ 17:57 |
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ROFLMAO, lethal! Happy New Year to you.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Moderator
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1. January 2006 @ 18:07 |
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And a happy new year to you and yours, my friend :)
Here's another, not really all that funny, (was going to put it in the owned thread, but we can't always get what we want :)
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. January 2006 @ 18:13
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. January 2006 @ 13:56 |
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FITTING PUNISHMENT
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. January 2006 @ 14:01 |
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PREGNANCY
BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.
What is a chastity belt?
A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.
DURING THE PREGNANCY:
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
What are forceps?
Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
AFTER THE PREGNANCY:
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 2. January 2006 @ 14:02
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 11:57 |
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A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio. She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:00 |
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Lulu was a prostitute but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex
party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them
outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway
when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges
and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
..........The policeman fainted
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:02 |
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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start
out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in
the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains
to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed
and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then
I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting
me as I hauled her a*s downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She
better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!"
__________________
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:03 |
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The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:18 |
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THIS SHOULD BE POSTED IN THE FRIDAY'S FUNNY THREAD
Friday the 13th is a day fraught with peril.
Origins: Although most of us would probably affirm that superstition's role in Western culture is now a much diminished one, more a source of amusement than anything else, there are still those who allow their trepidation over particular days or dates to prevent them from engaging in their choice of activities. We may make jokes about Friday the 13th and only kiddingly instruct loved ones to exercise greater care on that day, but those who suffer from a fear of the number thirteen (triskaidekaphobia) or a fear of Friday the 13th (paraskevidekatriaphobia) may genuinely feel limited by the rumored potential for ill luck connected with the date.
The reasons why Friday came to be regarded as a day of bad luck have been obscured by the mists of time ? some of the more common theories link it to a significant event in Christian tradition said to have taken place on Friday, such as the Crucifixion, Eve's offering the apple to Adam in the Garden of Eden, the beginning of the Great Flood, or the confusion at the Tower of Babel. Chaucer alluded to Friday as a day on which bad things seemed to happen in the Canterbury Tales as far back as the late 14th century ("And on a Friday fell all this mischance"), but references to Friday as a day connected with ill luck generally start to show up in Western literature around the mid-17th century:
* "Now Friday came, you old wives say, Of all the week's the unluckiest day." (1656)
From the early 19th century onward, examples abound of Friday's being considered a bad day for all sorts of ordinary tasks, from writing letters to conducting business and receiving medical treatment:
* "I knew another poor woman, who lost half her time in waiting for lucky days, and made it a rule never to . . . write a letter on business . . . on a Friday ? so her business was never done, and her fortune suffered accordingly." (1804)
* "There are still a few respectable tradesmen and merchants who will not transact business, or be bled, or take physic, on a Friday, because it is an unlucky day." (1831)
Friday was also said to be a particularly unlucky day on which to undertake anything that represented a beginning or the start of a new venture, thus we find references to all of the following activities as endeavors best avoided on Fridays:
* Needleworking: "I knew an old lady who, if she had nearly completed a piece of needlework on a Thursday, would put it aside unfinished, and set a few stitches in her next undertaking, that she might not be obliged either to begin the new task on Friday or to remain idle for a day." (1883)
* Harvesting: "My father once decided to start harvest on a Friday, and men went out on the Thursday evening, and, unpaid, cut along one side of the first field with their scythes, in order to dodge the malign fates which a Friday start would begin." (1933)
* Laying the keel of, or launching, a ship: "Fisherman would have great misgivings about laying the keel of a new boat on Friday, as well as launching one on that day." (1885)
* Beginning a sea voyage: "Sailors are many of them superstitious . . . A voyage begun [on a Friday] is sure to be an unfortunate one." (1823)
* Beginning a journey: "I knew another poor woman, who . . . made it a rule never to . . . set out on a journey on a Friday." (1804)
* Giving birth: "A child born on a Friday is doomed to misfortune." (1846)
* Getting married: "As to Friday, a couple married on that day are doomed to a cat-and-dog life." (1879)
* Recovering from illness: "If you have been ill, don't get up for the first time on a Friday." (1923)
* Hearing news: "If you hear anything new on a Friday, it gives you another wrinkle on your face, and adds a year to your age." (1883)
* Moving: "Don't move on a Friday, or you won't stay there very long." (1982)
* Starting a new job: "Servants who go into their situations on Friday, never go to stay." (1923)
In some cases, Good Friday (the Friday before Easter) was regarded as an exception or 'antidote' to the bad luck usually associated with Friday beginnings:
* "Notwithstanding the prejudice against sailing on a Friday . . . most of the pleasure-boats . . . make their first voyage for the season on Good Friday." (1857)
* "It was accounted unlucky for a child to be born on a Friday, unless it happened to be Good Friday, when the event was counterbalanced by the sanctity of the day." (1870)
The origins of the connection between the number thirteen and ill fortune are similarly obscure. Many different sources for the superstition surrounding the number thirteen have been posited, the most common stemming from another Christian source, the Last Supper, at which Judas Iscariot was said to have been the thirteenth guest to sit at the table. (Judas later betrayed Jesus, leading to His crucifixion, and then took his own life.) This Christian symbolism is reflected in early Western references to thirteen as an omen of bad fortune, which generally started to appear in the early 18th century and warned that thirteen people sitting down to a meal together presaged that one of them would die within the year:
* "I have known, and now know, persons in genteel life who did, and do, not sit down to table unmoved with twelve others. Our notion is that one of the thirteen so partaking, will die ere the expiry of the year." (1823)
* "The old story runs, that the last individual of the thirteen who takes a seat has the greatest chance of being the 'doomed one'." (1839)
Superstition held that the victim would be the first person to rise from the table (or the last one to be seated), leading to the remedies of having all guests sit and stand at the same time, or seating one or more guests at a separate table:
* " . . . Miss Mellon always gave the last comer an equal chance with the rest for life . . . she used to rise and say, 'I will not have any friend of mine sit down as the thirteenth; you must all rise, and we will then sit down again together.'" (1839)
* "Every one knows that to sit down thirteen at a table is a most unlucky omen, sure to be followed by the death of one of the party within the year . . . Some say, however, that the evil will only befall the first who leaves the table, and may be averted if the whole company are careful to rise from their seats at the same moment." (1883)
* " . . . so far is this feeling carried that one of the thirteen is requested to dine at a side table!" (1823)
(The "thirteen at the table" form of superstition again harkens back to the Last Supper: the one who left the table first, Judas Iscariot, died at his own hand soon afterwards.)
More generally, groups of thirteen people in any context ? at a table, in a room, on a ship ? were believed to inevitably lead to tragedy:
* "On a sudden an old woman unluckily observed there were thirteen of us in company. This remark struck a panic terror into several who were present . . . but a friend of mine, taking notice that one of our female companions was big with child, affirmed there were fourteen in the room . . ." (1711)
* "Notwithstanding . . . opinions in favour of odd numbers, the number thirteen is considered as extremely ominous; it being held that, when thirteen persons meet in a room, one of them will die within the year." (1787)
* "Many will not sail on a vessel when [thirteen] is the number of persons on board; and it is believed that some fatal accident must befall one of them." (1808)
By the late 19th century the superstition surrounding thirteen had become even more general, with people going out of their ways to avoid anything designated by the number thirteen, whether it be hotel rooms, desks, or cars:
* "'Look at that,' said Parnell, pointing to the number on his door. It was No. 13! 'What a room to give me!'" (1893)
* "For some time before the late War I went almost daily to the British Museum reading room . . . I gave some attention to the desks left to the last comers . . . there was a very marked preference of any other desk to that numbered '13'." (1927)
* "The mechanic helped him get out [of the racing car]. 'May as well scratch,' he said. 'He won't be good for anything more this afternoon. It's asking for trouble having a No. 13.'" (1930)
Once again these ill omens were avoided through artifice, such as the renumbering of rooms in hotels and inns to eliminate any Room #13's, and misnumbering the floors above the 12th floor in multi-story buildings so that tenants could pretend 13th floors were really 14th floors.
Just as Friday was considered an inauspicious day of the week on which to embark upon a new enterprise, so the 13th day of a month came to signify a particularly bad day for beginning a venture. Although regarding the confluence of a particularly unlucky day of the week (Friday) and a particularly unlucky day of the month (the 13th) as a date of supreme unluckiness might seem to be obvious and inevitable, superstitions regarding Friday the 13th are not nearly as old as most people tend to think. The belief in Friday the 13th as a day on which Murphy's Law reigns supreme and anything that can go wrong will go wrong appears to be largely a 20th century phenomenon. (The claim that the Friday the 13th superstition began with the arrest of the final Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques Demolay, on Friday, October 13, 1307, is a modern-day invention.)
Books of English folklore generally cite a 1913 Notes & Queries reference as the earliest known expression of Friday the 13th as a day of evil luck, and this corresponds to what we found when we searched The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times for similar references. In both newspapers the first mentions of the ill-fated date occured in 1908, as in this short piece about a U.S. senator from Oklahoma who dared to tempt fate by introducing 13 bills on Friday the 13th:
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 3. January 2006 @ 12:20
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:36 |
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And My Wife Thinks I'm Bad
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy. The farmer takes Roy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk, "Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job.. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Roy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times-- and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer...
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:40 |
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Golfing Injury
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:42 |
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The Wealthy Ambassador
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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:44 |
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Temptation
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True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is...
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 12:48 |
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Suits... $5.00
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his PAL, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and .."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from the hills, ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you know that?!"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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AfterDawn Addict
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5. January 2006 @ 11:23 |
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WAS THIS A LOVE LETTER TO THE MODS??????
THE ULTIMATE FLAME LETTER
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.
You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
I Hope This Helps...
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Member
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5. January 2006 @ 11:36 |
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I'm hoping you wrote that. If not my beast guess would have to be that Doggy_Bot wrote that.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 5. January 2006 @ 11:36
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AfterDawn Addict
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5. January 2006 @ 11:40 |
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SIGNS NEWBIES BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER
* Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
* It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
* In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
* It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
* The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
* The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
* The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
* The only chip inside is a Dorito.
* You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
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AfterDawn Addict
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5. January 2006 @ 12:06 |
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THE 10 RULES FOR CYBERSEX
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
COMPUTER LOVE
Thine eyes shine like CDs in the morning sun,
I long to have thy software in my hands.
And when you send a GIF for me to run,
I feel a sudden twitch within my glands.
How sweet our cybersex in private rooms,
You type of lust and send it over the Net.
How sad it seems when my love's signoff looms,
I leave my mousepad miserable and wet.
And yet I wonder on my lover's face
I only know thee through thine online chat,
And although I do not care about thy race,
Perhaps thou has the features of a rat.
But in the end your beauty matters not,
for it's your email that gets me so hot.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 5. January 2006 @ 12:09
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Daniel_G
Suspended permanently
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5. January 2006 @ 18:21 |
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After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still
alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line
of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and
her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
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Senior Member
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6. January 2006 @ 05:49 |
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heres one for the admins
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:42 |
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2 deer hunters
Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:45 |
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4 deer hunters
Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?"
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:46 |
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They shot 6 deer
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. January 2006 @ 06:47 |
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Elderly farmer and young wife
The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.
"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."
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