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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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epepper9
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6. March 2005 @ 22:09 |
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^5 andmerr for those funnies. :p
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andmerr
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8. March 2005 @ 08:12 |
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I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast- pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye,I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave, Ihad to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone."Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
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A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers.
The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:
MEMORANDUM
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.
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For immediate Release Press Release
Re: Job Security Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.
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Top 10 Phrases and Words Not To Use On Your Resume
10. Stupid-jerk-boss
9. Conviction
8. Goat fetish
7. Cunnilingus
6. Infected
5. Prozac (tm)
4. Democrat
3. Performed abortions
2. Pending appeal
1. Der Wienerschnitzel
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The Salesman
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."
The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis...
Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
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Merging Preference
Directors at Daimler-Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotions, Directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c."
Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have 1 less letter. There will be a growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, Daimler-Khrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Daimler-Khrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a determent to akkurate spelling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mess of silent "e's" in the language is disgrakeful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, people will be resepetive to steps such as replaking "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unekessary "o" kan be dropped from vords kontaining "ou", and similiar khanges vuld of kors be applied to all ozer kombinations of letters.
After zis fifz year, ve vill hav a really sensible vriten style. Zere vill be no more trubls or diffikultis and employee's vill find it easy to komunikat viz each ozer.
Ov kourse all suppliers vill be expekted to svitsh to zis for all business kommuniktion via Daimler-Khrysler.
Ze dream vill finally kome true.
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Outlandish Expectations
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS."
13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...
10. You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8. We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, PAL!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*!
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheets art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
And the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1. We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
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How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
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Well, a little Dilbert never hurt anyone....
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals...
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at MicroSoft)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
5. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
6. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
7. SCENARIO: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
8. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
9. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
10. As director of communications for a medium-sized company, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
11. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "MicroSoft" is indeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
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An Office Prayer: Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the legs connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow....
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Not Very Bright
A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired.
The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day. The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out."
The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The man replied "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
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Last Day On The Job
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where the obvious happened.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you; He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
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epepper9
Member
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8. March 2005 @ 09:50 |
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ROFL and LMAO to those!
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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8. March 2005 @ 12:27 |
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...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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8. March 2005 @ 18:05 |
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glad you liked them ,running out of humurous ones may hap i will try a different area of jokedom.
@ baabaa: couldnt get that link to work but happy easter all the same!!!!
andmerr
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ddp
Moderator
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8. March 2005 @ 18:09 |
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the chicken worked but sending to a friend did not work
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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8. March 2005 @ 18:14 |
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heres a sample maybe an addict of your standing would rate this post ddp.If its to much post me and i'll delete it
andmerr
The Statements Car Owners are Really Making
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette-I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
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Top 15 Reasons for Being Fired from Toys 'R Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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8. March 2005 @ 21:44 |
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A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman
gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You
know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You
have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She
had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as
a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
(and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That
is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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8. March 2005 @ 21:45 |
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The Dildo Shop
There was this lady who just received a job in a dildo shop and the manager
says to the lady " I'm stepping out for a little while so be sure to look
after the store and help out the customers" An hour went by and no one has
come in. Until one red headed women does and she walks up to to the other
women and asks " Excuse me miss but do you sell any dildo's here? " Why yes
we do just over here on my left hand side. So the red head looks and all the
dildo's they offer and says " how much for that white dildo? " and
the lady says about $20.00 how much for that black dildo about $40.00
how much for that Silver dildo and the women says sorry madam but
that is not for sale. OK the red head said I'll take the black one so the
read head give's the cashier $40.00 and she puts the black dildo in a
plastic bag and the red head walks out the door. A black headed woman walks
in and asks " Excuse me but do you sell any dildo's here yes on my left hand
side. how much for the white one oh that about $20.00 how much for the black
one oh that's about $40.00 how much for the Silver one oh sorry madam
that's not for sale. Ok the woman says I'll take the black dildo so the
Black headed woman gives $40.00 and the cashier puts the black dildo in a
plastic bag and sends her on her way. A blonde walks in and asks the cashier
excuse me miss but do you sell any dildos here, why yes we do it's on my left
hand side. how much for the white one oh that's about $20.00
how much for the black one oh that's about $40.00 how much for that
Silver one and the cashier says well for you miss that will be $100.00 great
I'll take the silver one. So the cashier takes $100.00 from the blonde and
she takes the silver one and puts it in a plastic bag and she sends the
blonde on her way. A coulpe of hours go by and her boss walks into the store
so tell me how's your first day on the job going? the cashier turns to her
boss and say " Oh wonderful boss I just sold two black dildo's and my thermos "
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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8. March 2005 @ 21:46 |
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Is There An Elephant In Your Pants?
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Generally
your in good health but there is one area of concern, the problem is
that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. If you're
willing to try an experimental treatment we may be able to help you."
"What is this treatment?" asks Jack "Well," the doctor
explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby
elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it and says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is terrible, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light
to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
date and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being painful. To release the
pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants,went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned
to his pants. His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly
smile,"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack, with his eyes watering said, "Well, I guess so, but I
don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.".
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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8. March 2005 @ 21:48 |
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YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
-- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
-- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
-- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
-- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
-- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
-- Your children's school calls to surrender.
-- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
-- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
-- Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them.
-- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
-- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
8. March 2005 @ 21:48 |
Link to this message
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How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see
boyfriend/ husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and
run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to
complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and
pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
minutes.
10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red
and raw.
11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut
and Java Cake bodywash.
12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your
boyfriend/husband has once again been
EATING your Ginger Nut and Java
Cake body wash.
13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has
come off).
14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that
you can't be bothered.
15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
17. Dry with a towel the size of a small African
country.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see
your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and
suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still No.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't
use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the
mirror.
15. Pee.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you
pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
8. March 2005 @ 21:49 |
Link to this message
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"Birth Control"
Three women were just visiting, and the subject of birth control
came up. The first women said "because of my religion I can't use
birth control". The second women said, "my husband and I use the
rhythm method". The third women said, "my husband and I use the
bucket-and-saucer method". She was asked how did that work? She
said, I'm 5'11 and my husband is 5'2. When we have sex, he stands
on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the
bucket out from under him.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
8. March 2005 @ 21:50 |
Link to this message
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Women's Compact Instruction Book:
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman
because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
5. So many men..... so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them
all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type....you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance
or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well, most of them never mature
anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is
unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are
too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh all right, I'll
stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even
bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him
"you may be, you look familiar."
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
8. March 2005 @ 21:51 |
Link to this message
|
If Women Ruled the World
> ....Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
> ....PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
> ....Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
> ....Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
> wedding rings in their pockets.
> ....Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds.
> ....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
> ...."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring
> scantily clad male models.
> ....Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within
five hours of bedtime.
> ....Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as
> hard for none of the credit.
> ....Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
> ....Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
> ....Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
> operas.
> ....Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there
> would be no pictures.
> ....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love
> "you","You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in
that outfit."
> ....Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
> accomplishments.
> ....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
> ....Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
> ....All toilet seats would be nailed down.
> ....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
> careers.
> ....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
> ....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
> ....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
> would date 19 year olds.
> ....For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a
> two-year old for six weeks.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
andmerr
Suspended permanently
|
8. March 2005 @ 21:59 |
Link to this message
|
LAWS OF WORK
-If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
-A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
-Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
-After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
-If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
-Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
-Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
-Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
-Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
-If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
-You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
-People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
-Following the rules will not get the job done.
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
-No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
-The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning scedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get matress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.
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OXYMORONS
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft Rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
One man crew
**Microsoft Works** (my favorite!)
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NUMBERS OF THE BEAST
660 -- Approximate number of The Beast
DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast
666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast
/666 -- Beast Common Denominator
0.005015 -- Reciprocal of the Beast.
666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast
1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast
443556 -- Square of the Beast
2.8235 -- Log of the beast
6.5913 -- Ln Beast
1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the beast
6.66E2 --Scientific number of the Beast
29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast
666! -- Factorial of the Beast
665.99999973 -- Intel Pentium number of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 -- Area code of The Beast
00666 -- Zip code of The Beast
666@hell.org -- E-mail address of the beast
http://www.666.org/ -- Web-page of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 -- Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast
$55.50 -- Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments
$699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast
$646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast
Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast
Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
666 Minutes -- Weekly news program about the Beast
666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast
664 & 668 -- Neighbours of the Beast
666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast
666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast
Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast
i66686 -- CPU of The Beast
666-i -- BMW of The Beast
666SLK -- Mercedes of The Beast
666 Sunset Strip -- Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite
DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast
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Famous Last Words (Part 1)
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
Here's my Kent State student ID.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
Can we get a vision plan?
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
No, my shoes aren't untied.
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
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Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
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High Tech Good Ol' Boys
How to tell if you might be a High Tech Good Ol' Boy ...
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy yall"
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Laws Compiled
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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10 Giveaway Signs Your Nextdoor Neighbour Is A Serial Killer
1. More visitors go in than come out again.
2. You accidentally kick a football over their fence and they kick a human head back.
3. They're always borrowing bin-liners.
4. Dyno-rod come round in teams.
5. You once went round there for a game of cards and when your neighbour threw his hand in, it wasn't his hand.
6. In hot weather the house smells like Smithfield Market.
7. Their back patio is a good three feet higher than when they moved in.
8. They're known locally as quiet people who keep themselves to themselves but would always lend you a bloodied spanner or length of flex.
9. They have a pet vulture.
10. During investigations after the mysterious disappearance of a local student, your neighbours were interviewed by the police at length and no charges were brought against them.
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Hallmark Cards Rejects
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
2. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay Won't that be a laugh When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay.
6. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me.
7. Your computer is dead It was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows '95?
8. You crashed your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry?
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How to tell when food is spoiled
THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet cleanser.
CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
WINE It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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6 OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:
-+- Easy UNIX
-+- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
-+- Everything Men Know About Women
-+- Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
-+- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
-+- Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson
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Life's Lessons
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
(thanks, Falcon )
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The Top 12 Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan" (Part I)
12> The New "Tripp" Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends' Phone Calls
11> Den Mothers Who Spank -- and the Scouts Who Like It!
10> The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties
9> Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash?
8> Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink
7> Oxy-*50*? It's closer than you think!
6> The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days
5> Real-Life Adventures: "I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR"
4> How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches "Ellen"
3> Give Him S'More: Make-out Tips That'd Make Your Troop Leader Blush!
2> I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard
1> Locating Your "Gee, I'll Sell Cookies Here" Spot
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the...
Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Black Rock group - now defunked?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Brick company that went to the wall?
Industrial Cleaners that are washed out?
Balloon company - a victim of inflation?
Contractor for Bridges which collapsed?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive?
Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
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The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles...such as:
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "literally disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE you to fuck someone that you normally wouldn't let take out your trash.
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|
baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
9. March 2005 @ 06:36 |
Link to this message
|
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France: gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia: lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia: very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, a woman is like Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit here.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like America: ruled by a d!ck.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
|
9. March 2005 @ 13:05 |
Link to this message
|
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
andmerr
Suspended permanently
|
9. March 2005 @ 23:31 |
Link to this message
|
that geography of women is so true. (lol)
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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10. March 2005 @ 10:41 |
Link to this message
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Yep, the after 70 is right up my street, lots of miles and plenty to hang on to............not forgetting the feeling when the dentures have been removed..............nothing even comes close to that........
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
|
AfterDawn Addict
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10. March 2005 @ 11:46 |
Link to this message
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Joe was having headaches for 20 years and The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and
it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
ALWAYS get a second opinion...
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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11. March 2005 @ 02:21 |
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heres my usual dose of jokes for this lovely friday night.
To days topic is computer jokes.Enjoy one and all
andmerr
YK2
It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named because that's what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:
Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.
Chevy might bring back the Vega.
Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.
Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.
The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.
As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.
Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking NOON NOON NOON.
Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.
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Hello.
Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured", you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKES.
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.
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Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug
Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.
Move computer's clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER
Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.
Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won't have sex with you.
Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.
Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.
Party like its 1899
Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years.
Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers.
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(poem based on The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe.)
Abort, Retry, Ignore? By Anonymous
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again,
but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
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The Jargon Jungle
- Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
- Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
- Computer: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
- CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
- Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
- Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
- File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
- Hardware: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
- Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
- Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk. - Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
- Memory: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
- Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
- Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
- Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
- Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
- User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
- Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.
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Sign-Offs for E-mail Messages
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Today's subliminal thought is:
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
(Thanks Falcon!)
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I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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13. March 2005 @ 18:47 |
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for ! me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You ! can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
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Senior Member
1 product review
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13. March 2005 @ 23:19 |
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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!!! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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13. March 2005 @ 23:28 |
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At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them on the roads now?
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