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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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Senior Member
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4. May 2005 @ 10:37 |
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A husband's best friend
A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?
Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. May 2005 @ 10:49 |
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Possunt Quia Posse Videntur. |
Senior Member
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5. May 2005 @ 08:27 |
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This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Auslander
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5. May 2005 @ 12:06 |
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wow...almost the exact same thing happened to me! Except the situation was nothing like that...on second thought, no, nothing like that ever happened to me. on a lesser note, i would have shot myself. still funny!
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 14:01 |
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BANG!!!!!! i shot you for you. now go & clean up the mess!!
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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5. May 2005 @ 14:07 |
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ah, ddp..you're such a smartass! maybe i should start calling you "gramps"? lol...lucky for me i'm bulletproof!
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 14:50 |
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yes i'm smart & got an ass but i'm no smartass junior!!!!!
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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5. May 2005 @ 17:35 |
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awww, gramps, you seem cranky. need someone to change your diaper? XD j/k, ddp.
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 17:39 |
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not cranky with you just the computer i'm trying to fix!!
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Senior Member
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5. May 2005 @ 18:30 |
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whats wrong with it
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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5. May 2005 @ 18:46 |
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ddp touched it :-P
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 19:32 |
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installing into new case as customer said there was no power so after installing board but not finished powered it up & it posted. hooked everything else up repowered & no power. ended up the motherboard is tempermental on powerups even when stripped down to a bare board, doesn't always powerup. replaced the motherboard, it will post & stop so replaced it with another & posts than comes up with the menue screen of normal, safe & all that & stops there. had to reload windows ontop of selve to fix that & re-install avg.
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regor
Senior Member
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5. May 2005 @ 19:56 |
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uh... ddp... just put it back in the box it came in and take it back to the store.
deja vu
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
AfterDawn Addict
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5. May 2005 @ 20:10 |
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hahahhaha..i have to say the computer/wordperfect story made me laugh pretty hard. this thread is hilarious~ :) keep em' coming guys~
Recommended Media:
Taiyo Yuden 4x dvd-r TYGO1/ 8x dvd-r TYGO2/ 8x dvd+r YUDEN000T02/ 16x dvd+r YUDEN000T03
Verbatim 8x dvd+r MCC003
Verbatim dvd+r DL (MKM001)= flawless no compression backups
"Do Yourself A Favor, Use The Good Stuff
TY & Verbs 4 Life~ :)" ~docTY~
"Its better to be quiet and appear stupid, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
I am always prepared to recognize that there can be two points of view - mine and one that is probably wrong - John Gorton
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 20:15 |
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regor, can't as customer had the motherboard for over a year & just replaced his hd the beginning of march & recently the cmos battery died on him.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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5. May 2005 @ 21:13 |
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God ddp i was telling everybody that you know what your doing.I guess getting you to interview kivory666 potential sexataries might be a bit much if a little old computer is going to give you probs.Imagine what a sexatary would do to you !!!!!!!!
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ddp
Moderator
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5. May 2005 @ 21:21 |
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i got the little bugger under control. just have to do the sp1 update, do the various scans & defrag & out the door it goes.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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6. May 2005 @ 02:33 |
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yes i think its time to give you guys some new material.
See what you think:
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
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There are three women standing on a street corner. One is called a prostitute. What are the other two called?
Support hose!!!!
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Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back & replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
and then theres this:
After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put on some breakfast.
"Gina," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!"
"He's an jerk, piss on him."
"You did," Gina informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
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Tommy comes home one day and asks his father what a cunt is. His father takes him up to the bedroom where his wife is sleeping and takes of the covers. He points to the area between her legs and explains that is called a vagina, and the other 160 pounds is the cunt.
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I was talking to a man at a bar the other day who looked depressed. I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he had found his wife in bed with his best friend.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I beat the shit out of my old lady!" he said.
"What did you do to your best friend?" I asked.
"I drug his ass outside, and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!"
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A study was done and found that beer has female hormones.
One hundred men were all asked to drink two six packs of beer.
Afterwards...none of them could drive.
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The Washington Times conducted a poll of 1,000 women in the D.C. area asking,
" Given the recent misconduct allegations against President Clinton, would you have sexual relations with him? "
70% responded, " Never again."
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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6. May 2005 @ 07:07 |
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i saw Clinton and Elvis making out in a bathroom in a Kansas McDonald's one day...
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AfterDawn Addict
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6. May 2005 @ 13:32 |
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andmerr, I laughed until I cried when I read the Tommy coming home and asking..... Still ROFLMAO!
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Senior Member
1 product review
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9. May 2005 @ 01:17 |
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened... you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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9. May 2005 @ 17:53 |
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sounds like the kid next door, lol.
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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9. May 2005 @ 20:15 |
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This is very much true, so if you're not to hot at spelling, as long as get the letters right, not necessarily in the right order you may have a chance.
Believe it or not you can read it .
Icdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt
tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is
arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorantt.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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regor
Senior Member
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9. May 2005 @ 20:34 |
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Quote:
andmerr, I laughed until I cried when I read the Tommy coming home and asking..... Still ROFLMAO!
me too... I laughed big and loud! Thanks for that andmerr!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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10. May 2005 @ 01:07 |
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gentleman i am but a humble servant here to regal you with some more of thou humour.
Enjoy one and all:
John said to Kathy, "I'll bet you a dollar I can make love to you without touching your um...you know."
"You're crazy," said Kathy. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't."
The two dollars were placed on the mantelpiece and John then grabbed Kathy, pulled her skirt up and her panties down and for ten minutes screwed her intensely.
She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my um....you know!"
John shrugged, pushed the 2 dollars toward her and said, "So I lose, best dollar I ever lost.
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An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.
The old man snaps back:"Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor
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A young couple wishing to disquise the fact that they were interested in having sex so their children would not find out, decided to use the term "doing the laundry".
One night the husband was in the mood and asked his wife if she was interested in doing the laundry. She was not feeling well and declined...so he went to bed.
A little while later the wife came to bed and indicated that she was now feeling better and asked him if he was still interested in doing the laundry.
He said no thanks since he had a small load, he did it by hand.
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And finally:
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
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