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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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andmerr
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13. March 2005 @ 23:50 |
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
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rick5446
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14. March 2005 @ 03:23 |
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Roosters
The Catholic priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.
So he decided to say something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the altar boys stood up.
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andmerr
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14. March 2005 @ 09:59 |
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lol, thats very good
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epepper9
Member
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14. March 2005 @ 22:00 |
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ROTFL
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Senior Member
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17. March 2005 @ 11:50 |
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Everytime I read these...I can't stop laughing....
BTW, funny stuff from all of you....especially this particular comment
Quote:
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
50 Things to do in an Elevator
------------------------------
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
15. Do Tai Chi exercises.
16. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
17. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
18. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
19. Meow occassionally.
20. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
21. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
23. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
24. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
25. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
27. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
28. Leave a box between the doors.
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
31. Start a sing-along.
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
33. Play the harmonica.
34. Shadow box.
35. Say Ding! at each floor.
36. Lean against the button panel.
37. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
40. Bring a chair along.
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
42. Blow spit bubbles.
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
44. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
47. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
48. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
50. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Don. How's your day been?"
Priceless!
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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17. March 2005 @ 14:43 |
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A small synagogue was being audited by the IRS. The auditor was young and conniving, the Rabbi old and wise. "I've noticed you use a lot of candles," said the auditor. "What do you do with all of the wax drippings?"
"Oh," replied the Rabbi, "We collect all of the drippings and send them to the candle makers. Every so often,
they send us a complete box of candles for free." The auditor thought for a moment, unwilling to accept defeat.
I've noticed you use a lot of matzo here, what do you do with all of the crumbs?" he asks.
The Rabbi patiently replies "We collect all of the
crumbs, and send them back to the maker. Every so often, they send us a complete box for free."
The auditor becomes visibly agitated by the Rabbi's answers for everything. Finally, he thinks he has
something. "I've noticed you perform a lot of circumcisions here. What do you do with all of the left over foreskins?"
The Rabbi pauses, then says "We collect all of the foreskins from the circumcisions. We send them to the IRS, and every so often, they send us a complete dick."
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Senior Member
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17. March 2005 @ 15:25 |
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Good one.
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
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andmerr
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18. March 2005 @ 01:28 |
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Hurts To Think About It
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No, During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test
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andmerr
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18. March 2005 @ 01:31 |
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Q. What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A. You are always learning new jokes.
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.
His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.
"If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
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rick5446
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19. March 2005 @ 07:52 |
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Blind Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
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This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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As you are receiving email, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. March 2005 @ 07:55
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andmerr
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23. March 2005 @ 00:51 |
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gee i cant believe we atually have made it to page 5 and still going strong!!!!!!
keep it up guys
and now for some religious humor
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. March 2005 @ 01:04
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andmerr
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23. March 2005 @ 00:52 |
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its time for the religious jokes!!!!!!!
Pay for your Transgression
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said... "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
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HOLY QUOTES!
Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited - until you try to get into their pew.
[George Goldtrap, Madison, Tennessee]
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
[Mark Twain]
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
[Fred Allen]
Do you know the three times that most people are in church? When they are hatched, matched and dispatched.
[Lowell B. Yoder, Holland, Ohio]
Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.
[Msgr. JosephP. Dooley, Martins Creek, Pennsylvania]
If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.
[Rev. Robert E. Harris]
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing On The Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
[Sr. Monique Rysavy]
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers.
[Donna Maddux, Stillwater, Oklahoma]
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.
[Donald J. Morgan, Columbus, Ohio]
I don't know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
[Rev. Denny Brake]
If a Savior leaves you as you are and where you are, from what has He saved you?
[Rev. Denny Brake]
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington.
[Anonymous]
To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human.
[John Nadeau, Medford, Massachusetts]
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
[Rev. Denny Brake]
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Senior Member
1 product review
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23. March 2005 @ 01:00 |
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Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and
Do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
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Senior Member
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23. March 2005 @ 12:42 |
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I JUST found this...
This would make ANYONE cringe..LOL!
http://www.goyk.com/video.asp?path=604
Oh yeah...and this one is a favorite of mine!
Steve has just bought a motorbike but everytime it rains the seal leaks and he has to put Vaseline on it to stop it. He carries a jar of Vaseline with him where ever he goes.
That night he is going to his girlfriends house to meet her parents when he gets there his girlfriend is stood outside waiting for him, she tells him not to talk at the dinner table, as the first person to speak has to "do the dishes"!
When he gets inside it's just as she has described it, the pots are piled high to the ceiling and no one is saying a word. He thinks "I'm going to have bit of fun here"!!.... he grabs the mother, clears the dinner table and shags her.....when finished they both sit back down, still no one is saying a word, the girlfriend is furious and Dad is seething. Steve thinks "I'm going to have a bit more fun" he grabs his girlfriend throws her on the dinner table and shags her.....still, no one is saying a word. The mother is a little jealous, his girlfriend is much happier and Dad is livid.
All of a sudden the heavens open and it begins to pour down, Steve jumps up, pulls the Vaseline from his back pocket when Dad stands up and says......."Fuck that, I'll do the dishes!"
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. March 2005 @ 12:43
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clouser
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23. March 2005 @ 16:36 |
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a nun wearing her penguin suite is walking in front of a bar all of a sudden a drunk man runs out from the entrance and just starts wailing away at her ,beats the fucking piss outta her his buddy rush outside and pull him off her he shouts "YEAH BATMAN YOUR NOT SO TUFF.
I find suicide interesting because its the conscius desision to no longer exist
george carlin.
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Senior Member
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23. March 2005 @ 16:43 |
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@clouser
LOL!
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
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regor
Senior Member
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23. March 2005 @ 17:04 |
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please no offense it's just supposed to be funny, not racial.
A little <_______> boy is helping his mom in the kitchen while she is cooking. When mom isn't paying any attention the little <_______> boy opens the top of the flour jar and smears flour all over his face, then turns to his mon and say's "look mom I'm white".
His mom shakes the little <_______> boy real hard, slaps him across the face, yells insanities at him about how he has forgotten his heritage and sends him off to his father - mom screaming all the way...
His father slaps the little <_______> boy across the face, curses at him how he has disgraced the family name, shakes him furiously and violently, and sends him off to his grandmother, screaming vulgar and hurtful insanities all the way...
The little <_______> boys grandmother slaps the tot across the face, kicks him, shakes him, and screams at him in her native tongue what a little maggot she has for a grandson and that she is happy that his poor grandfather is dead and gone to heaven and does not have to bear this shame, and shoves him back through the kitchen door to be with his mother...
His mother askes the little <_______> boy what lesson he has learned from this?...
The little <_______> boy replies... "I've only been white for 3 minutes and I already hate <_______>'s"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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clouser
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23. March 2005 @ 17:08 |
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lol thats funny got any more?
I find suicide interesting because its the conscius desision to no longer exist
george carlin.
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andmerr
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27. March 2005 @ 22:41 |
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another round for MJ;
What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years
they'll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby
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Senior Member
1 product review
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27. March 2005 @ 23:39 |
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse?s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."
Worried, Johnny replied, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."
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Senior Member
1 product review
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27. March 2005 @ 23:42 |
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ok one more....
An eight-year-old boy walks home from school each day past an eight-year-old girl?s house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can?t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, ?See this football? Football is a boy?s game, and only boys can have a football!? The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, ?I want a football!? Being a woman of the 90?s, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and taunts, ?Nah Na Nah Nah.? The little boy angrily points to his bike and says ?Oh yeah, well this is a boy?s bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can?t have one!?
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says ?Look, only boys have these and your mom can?t buy you one!!!?
The next day he walks by and asks her, ?Well, I guess I showed you!? to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims ?My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!?
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andmerr
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29. March 2005 @ 09:39 |
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Condom slogans:
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going, and going, and going...
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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29. March 2005 @ 11:25 |
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Here About The New Douche for Woman: It's made with HONEY,POWDERED ALUM,& CHICKEN FAT:
It makes Her sweet,tight & finger licking good
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 29. March 2005 @ 11:26
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Senior Member
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29. March 2005 @ 12:56 |
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ROTFLMAO!!!!
;)
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
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Advertisement
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clouser
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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29. March 2005 @ 15:39 |
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some mj jokes
whats the difference between michal jackson and a shopping bag?
ones plastic and bad for your kids the other you put grocerys in.
what did the lady on the beach say to michal jackson?
"hey your in my way get out of my son".
what do michal jackson and k-mart have in common?
little boys underwhere half-off.
I find suicide interesting because its the conscius desision to no longer exist
george carlin.
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