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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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andmerr
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5. April 2005 @ 02:55 |
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A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"
"No", he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
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andmerr
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5. April 2005 @ 02:58 |
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Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she now became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was even more awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents
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Senior Member
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5. April 2005 @ 09:58 |
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ROTFLMAO!!!! That last one was great andmerr!!!
;P
"From now on we are poison to you Spider-man...Thats why we call ourselves... VENOM"
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AfterDawn Addict
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5. April 2005 @ 12:27 |
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Andmerr, pure class mate, nice one dude!
Gif by Phantom69
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ddp
Moderator
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5. April 2005 @ 12:55 |
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& they say there is nothing worse than a woman's scorn. this showed differently
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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5. April 2005 @ 15:13 |
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Actually what happened next is the mother and father got a divorce. Once the mother saw the picture, she finally found out what 7 inches really looked like and was lied to all those years by Dad!
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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5. April 2005 @ 15:26 |
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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make upand buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are men!
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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there."
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andmerr
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9. April 2005 @ 16:13 |
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Sex Lecture
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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13. April 2005 @ 13:31 |
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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2005 @ 07:38 |
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Only in Britain
Can a Pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store for their prescriptions, whereas healthy people just have to goto the front of the store to purchase cigarettes.
Do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a DIET COKE.
Do banks leave both doors open whilst chaining the pens to the desks.
Do we leave expensive cars on our driveways, whislt locking worthless crap away in the garage.
There are disabled parking spaces at the front of an Ice skating rink.
Then there are
3 Brits each year die testing a 9v battery on their tongues.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing the pins from new shirts.
58 Brits each year are injured by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas trees while the fairy lights were still plugged in.
19 Brits have died in 3 years by thinking their Christmas decorations were made of chocolate.
4 Brits went to hospitals last year with broken arms after cracker pulling accidents.
101 Brits since 1999 have had plastic toy parts removed from the soles of their feet.
18 Brits suffered serious burns in the year 2000 whilst trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouths.
543 Brits were admitted to A+E in the last 2 years for opening their beer bottles with their teeth.
8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalectrix cars.
I think that sums up us Brits quite well, have a good weekend all.
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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Senior Member
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15. April 2005 @ 18:23 |
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Heres a good one.
What do women and muscles (from the ocean)have in common???
You can,t eat them during the red tide.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 25. April 2005 @ 17:28
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andmerr
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17. April 2005 @ 00:21 |
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OLD MEN AREN'T SLOW
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there in a while and look it over.He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.He made them aware of his presence and they settled them selves down the deep end of the pond.One of the women yelled 'we are not coming out till you leave!!!'.The old man frowned,'I didnt come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said," i'm here to feed the aligator"
MORAL
Old men can still think fast
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 17. April 2005 @ 00:25
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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17. April 2005 @ 08:07 |
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Ah, yes spot on as always andmerr....................LOL
@solargame
What is a red tide?
Is it similar to 'rag week' and the 'strawberry smile'?
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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Senior Member
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17. April 2005 @ 15:16 |
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the red tide is the womans PERIOD >>>>>>>
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 25. April 2005 @ 17:28
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regor
Senior Member
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17. April 2005 @ 19:59 |
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no way!
I thought red tide was why my white tee-shirts are always coming out of the laundry pink. Is somebody lying to me? Could it be that my tee-shirst are being used as rags?
I never knew our washing machine had a menstrual cycle... we should have bleached and rinsed twice!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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17. April 2005 @ 21:28 |
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Like I thought then, rag week with a strawberry smile...............
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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20. April 2005 @ 09:58 |
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you,"
the blonde says, and hangs up."
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
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Bubba's Job Interview
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers,
but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee
put down "I don't know." you put down, "Neither do I."
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regor
Senior Member
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24. April 2005 @ 20:14 |
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there ain't no smiles during rag week at my house, strawberry or otherwise. In fact, last month the closest thing that resembled a smile was the knot on my forehead, which oh by the way looked just like a strawberry.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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baabaa
AfterDawn Addict
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24. April 2005 @ 22:14 |
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LMAO...........................The frying pan eh...........LOL
...............PIO is no go, DMA all the way...............
Beware of the Pixies - they move in over night and turn your life upside down
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ddp
Moderator
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25. April 2005 @ 11:09 |
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said or did something you shouldn't have???
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regor
Senior Member
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25. April 2005 @ 20:21 |
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it was just like this...
WHAM!
then it was all over.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
AfterDawn Addict
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28. April 2005 @ 09:13 |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages
the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 Models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not,
we can go the extra 50 thousand. It 's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths agape.....He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Senior Member
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28. April 2005 @ 13:58 |
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you could tell its not his phone from the start of the joke.
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AfterDawn Addict
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28. April 2005 @ 14:40 |
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lol solargame. Jokes are just funny, even if you can figure the punchline, before the end of the joke. :)
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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AfterDawn Addict
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28. April 2005 @ 14:43 |
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Quote:
you could tell its not his phone from the start of the joke.
SHEESSHH....what joke hater.
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