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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 13:41 |
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You know you're experiencing stress when...
- You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.
- The sun is too loud.
- You are missing several days from this week.
- Trees begin to chase you.
- You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
- You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
- You can hear mimes.
- Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."
- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
- Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
- You and reality file for divorce.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.
- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
- You can travel without moving.
- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
- You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for a week.
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 13:42 |
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Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 13:52 |
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The Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 13:52 |
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Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10.Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9.Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8.You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7.Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6.You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5.World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3.Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2.Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1.You're sweatin' gravy
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 13:53 |
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YO MAMA'S SO FAT...
When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her ass has its own congressman.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
"Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy:240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can't even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
I had to take 2 trains, a bus, and a cab just to get on her good side.
Robert Biggs
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. October 2006 @ 14:06 |
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How To Catch An Elephant
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:
First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.
Fill the hole with ashes.
Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
There were once three boys in a classroom called Zip, Dick and Pee. Their teacher went out of the classroom so they decided to get up to some mischeif. Zip got on top of the cupboard, Dick got inside and Pee jumped around outside. The teacher came back in and said, ''Zip down, Dick out and Pee in the corner!''
One day a man came home from work and told his wife, "Hon, I had the urge to put my thing in the pickle slicer."
"Oh, my God, you should get some help!" his wife said. The next day he came home.
"Hon, I had that urge again!"
"That's it! After work tomorrow, I'm taking you to a doctor!"
The third day he came home all depressed and said, "Hon, I finally did it."
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"They fired me - and the pickle slicer too."
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 17. October 2006 @ 14:10
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. October 2006 @ 13:52 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 22. October 2006 @ 13:53
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Senior Member
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22. October 2006 @ 14:32 |
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^^
LMAO!
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. October 2006 @ 16:23 |
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Practice Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. October 2006 @ 16:26 |
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Professionals Test
This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
That completes the test!
This question tests your reasoning ability. So...
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If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
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If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
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If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
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If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
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If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. October 2006 @ 16:30 |
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Really Bored
Things you can do with absolutely nothing...
Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
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Senior Member
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23. October 2006 @ 17:09 |
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ireland i am back :D yay
i havent being on afterdawn in ages due to my rubbish ninternet and my computer which hates me and decides it never ever wants to work for me :D.
the animal joke iv heard that before its good one though.
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Member
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26. October 2006 @ 12:22 |
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Stumble Upon
(Amusement 10-60 mins)
I always click on the Stumble Upon (Stumble!) button for a while. Its very amusing, Try and tally how many anti-Bush websites it comes up with, and tally how many are not.
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AfterDawn Addict
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26. October 2006 @ 12:37 |
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i better put a joke in here
Small Towns
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there.
My hometown was so small...
...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
...long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
...the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
...instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
...the local Motel 6 sleeps six
...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
...the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
...we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
...the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
...before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
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AfterDawn Addict
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26. October 2006 @ 12:39 |
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Skiing Exercises
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:02 |
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You might be a fisherman if...
* You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
* Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
* You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
* Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
* You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
* You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
* Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
* You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
* You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
* You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
* You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
* You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
* You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
* Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
* You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
* Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:05 |
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
~~~~~
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "
~~~~~
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
~~~~~~`~~~~
A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"
~~~~~
Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read - MATT IS DEAD."
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."
~~~~~
If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered "brain food?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:15 |
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Abort, Retry, Ignore
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard....
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no....my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data....Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity....well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell....
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:17 |
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Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
*
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
*
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
*
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
Author Unknown
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:21 |
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Lovable Louise, The Inflatable Love Doll
A Hilarious Christmas story.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"
Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
"It's a doll." replied my brother.
"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.
Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 09:26 |
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To Whom it May Concern:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South-songs such as Mark Chestnut's: "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
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aabbccdd
Suspended permanently
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6. November 2006 @ 23:32 |
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This is a good joke, I had to share....
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith .... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. November 2006 @ 06:30 |
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The Dump List
A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."
The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."
The Outhose
A woman living in a rural area wanted to have an outhouse that wouldn't stink. She advertised it in the local papers for a contractor that could build such a structure.
After some time, a contractor applied for the job and guaranteed that the outhouse would not have any odor. He got the job.
Sometime after completing the construction, the man got a frantic call from the woman, "You'd better get here fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!"
He rushed over, went to the outhouse, poked his head through the door and exclaimed,
"No wonder it stinks! You pooped in it!"
The Two Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"
The Avon Lady
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone pooped in a pine tree."
Perfume
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"
Fart Poem
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.
Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.
A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.
So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. November 2006 @ 07:10 |
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. November 2006 @ 07:56 |
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Inanimate Gender
Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!
Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.
A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!
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