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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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Member
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22. May 2006 @ 12:25 |
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Speaks for itself...
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. May 2006 @ 12:36 |
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Programmer monkey
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "Thatll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but rest of the monkeys call it the Project Manager."
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. May 2006 @ 12:39 |
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Home For All Eternity
Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."
"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it`s missing three keys,"
"Which three ? "
"Control,Alt and Delete."
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. May 2006 @ 20:11 |
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I HOPE THIS PIX SHOWS,
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. May 2006 @ 10:32 |
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Where to Retire
As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. May 2006 @ 10:36 |
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Three Wise Women?
Can you imagine what the Bible would have to say if instead of the three wise men, you'd have three wise women?
You might get the following:
* They would have asked for directions.
* They would have arrived on time.
* They would have helped deliver the baby.
* They would have cleaned the stables.
* They would have brought practical gifts.
* They would have made a casserole.
But what would have happened when they left?
You'd have heard:
* "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
* "I heard Joseph isn't even working right now."
* "And that donkey they were riding has seen better days, too."
* "Virgin, my a$$! I knew her in high school."
* "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph."
* "Want to bet how long it will take to get my casserole dish back?"
* "Did you see that drummer boy? He can beat my drum anytime!!!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. May 2006 @ 10:40 |
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No Excuses
This one has gone around the internet a few times and is most likely urban myth by now. - Vikar
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. May 2006 @ 19:29 |
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The Costume
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
Dear Sir:
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a@@ and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. May 2006 @ 19:31 |
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The Inheritance
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Rodney Dangerfield's One Liners
I'm posting this one in honor of one of the true great comedians - Rodney Dangerfield. When I was in college I caught his act at the Garden State Arts Center (Now the PNC Arts Center). It was easily one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. I cruised the web for some of Rodney's one liners and found these. His passing was unexpected. - Vikar
* I've got to do something about my weight, I mean everytime I eat at McDonald's I sit outside and watch the sign change.
* I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
* I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
* When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
* With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
* Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
* I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
* One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
* I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
* My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
* When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
* I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
* Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
* When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
* I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
* This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
* My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
* Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
* A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
* I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
* I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
* I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
* I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
* I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
* I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
* The day I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "We did what we could, but he pulled through anyway!"
* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
* I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. May 2006 @ 19:36
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. May 2006 @ 06:17 |
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You Have Two Cows...
* DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
* REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
* SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
* COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
* CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
* DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
* BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
* AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
* FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
* JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
* GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
* ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
* RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
* TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
* IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
* FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
* CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. May 2006 @ 06:20 |
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25 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s@it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
16. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
23. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
24. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
25. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
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AfterDawn Addict
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25. May 2006 @ 10:29 |
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If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a spammer?s.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a spammer?
How many spammers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
First person: Do you know how to save five spammers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
Where can you find a good spammer?
In the cemetery.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous spammers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a spammer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the spammer. Twice.
What do you have when you bury six spammers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why is it dangerous for a spammer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.
What do you call 20 spammers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 25. May 2006 @ 10:33
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AfterDawn Addict
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25. May 2006 @ 10:39 |
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Two spammers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.
Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares?!
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over spammers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a spammer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a spammer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the spammer. Certain he should've missed the spammer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that spammer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
What?s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of spammers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that?s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that?s a shame.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve spammers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a spammer for my 'gator."
The spammers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving spammer, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, ?spammer? is always the third thing they look up?
Because the first thing a child looks up is ?dog.? The second is ?snake.? And under snake, the encyclopedia says ?See spammer.?
How many spammers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
?The first thing we do, let?s kill all the spammers.?
-- William Shakespeare
How do you stop a spammer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
If a spammer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How do you know if a spammer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. May 2006 @ 06:41 |
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California Drive Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. May 2006 @ 06:54 |
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Afterdawn Medical Plan For Mods
for $20.00 dollars a month
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."
To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
Recycled bandages
You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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AfterDawn Addict
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30. May 2006 @ 04:30 |
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Not A Hallmark
These are greeting cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!....
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you....
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married....
but not to you."
"You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you....
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."
"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."
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AfterDawn Addict
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30. May 2006 @ 04:32 |
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You're So Ugly
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.
You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.
You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.
You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."
I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.
You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.
You're so ugly, you make onions cry.
You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.
You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."
You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.
You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.
You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.
You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.
You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.
You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.
You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.
You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.
You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
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Member
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30. May 2006 @ 12:57 |
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Hi Ireland. Dunno if this has already been posted or even if its funny. It was sent via email by a friend:
It is just before Australia v Brazil at the World Cup Group game. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldino goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few pints. After a few they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Australia 1 (Viduka 89 minutes)". They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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ramen31
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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4. June 2006 @ 15:13 |
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there were 3 men stranded in a desert. one of em found a bottle and picked it up hoping there would be some water in it. when the man rubbed it against his shirt, a genie came out. "I shall grant u each 1 wish as u jump off the mountain of sand." the genie said. the first one jumped off and said airplane and he turned to a plane and flew off. the second one jumped off and said hawk, and he turned to a hawk and flew away. the third one was about to jump off the mountain but he tripped and yelled "OH SH*T!" and he turned into s**t and fell of the mountain.
itadakimasu (lets eat) |
AfterDawn Addict
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5. June 2006 @ 05:44 |
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Dear Mom & Dad,
Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 of our
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes,
please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because
of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was
neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for all the
lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn but one of our tents
did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back!
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think
it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a
car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry,
he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he
only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All
we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad
was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the
water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He
didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. He has to spend a lot
of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We've all passed our first-aid merit badges. When Dave dove
in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also
Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food
they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Bobby
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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forkman
Member
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5. June 2006 @ 13:29 |
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MPAA staff meeting :)
I drink lots because my Liver is EVIL
and must be punished.
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Moderator
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5. June 2006 @ 13:53 |
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Is that one that appears over excited, Dan Glickman?
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. June 2006 @ 08:12 |
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WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie receipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers", a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner". However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true". It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed". Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
* The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
* The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
* A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo". When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including:
Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html
Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html
The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com
Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as
Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM
It *is* possible to design responsible alerts for people to circulate on the Internet. Here is a how-to that draws positive conclusions from long experience with the evils of badly designed alerts:
Designing Effective Action Alerts for the Internet at
http://weber.ucsd.edu/~pagre/alerts.html
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.
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AfterDawn Addict
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14. June 2006 @ 04:47 |
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Good Girl, Bad Girl
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. June 2006 @ 18:25 |
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Sister Logical
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then, Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
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