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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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Moderator
1 product review
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8. September 2006 @ 10:41 |
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Product recall notice
All Steve Irwin sun cream is to be removed from shelves, its claim to protect from harmful rays is found to be false!
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Advertisement
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gerry1
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8. September 2006 @ 11:11 |
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@LOCO...LMAO! Sure didn't take long for the jokes to start...the poor "bloke" ain't even buried yet!
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Moderator
1 product review
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8. September 2006 @ 11:31 |
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I couldn't resist.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. September 2006 @ 17:46 |
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How to Cook a Conductor
Ingredients
One large Conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large garlic cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (Lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yoghurt
One abused Orchestra
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin) and long articulations and discard. Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully - many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor, such as one from a Major Symphony Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the Conductor between two large cymbals.
Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at least 12 hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian Conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the Conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the Conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover your Conductor with the Crisco. using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Next, take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. September 2006 @ 17:48 |
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Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between an Opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move
out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do
that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
gain.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who
survived?
A: Mozart.
Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back
yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around
them.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a
band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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9. September 2006 @ 21:04 |
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Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter
A Dress.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare.
And so was her daughter...
I guess.
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ZCONCEPT
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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9. September 2006 @ 21:19 |
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????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
WHAT___________________WHAT__________________WHAT
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 9. September 2006 @ 21:21
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. September 2006 @ 21:59 |
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....................^^^^^^^^^
the boat on the left has white in the black shadow on both sides of the black shadow...
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 9. September 2006 @ 22:02
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gerry1
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10. September 2006 @ 08:41 |
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@Irealdn...LMAO! Everyone is noticing my shadow issues that I missed LOL! It isn't the first time I draw something with shadows going in four different directions LOL! Would you believe I was on another planet with three suns? ...I screwed up the rear seat of the middle boat. I thought it just slapped someone in the face but must be because I know its there LOL!
By the way, you're also right with the musician jokes ... so many years of fomal study of the keyboards and I'm a social worker! Maybe you can come up with some jokes of artists being the night shift manager?? Screwed on every front LOL!
EDIT: I also spoke with IHoe about possibly starting a thread somewhere for people's artwork, he's quite a good photographer and sent me samples of his work. Any Ideas, Irelans, about the best way to go about such a thing and where...what forum?
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 10. September 2006 @ 08:55
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 10:08 |
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hello gerry1,ye boats left earth.......or spaced out..
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 11:18 |
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LOCOENG that joke about steeve aint nice the guy died and you decide to take the p!ss wasnt very nice :o
@ireland with all the jokes here you could make a joke book lol,
at first i thorght you made a thread that only you could reply to :O and then i saw other people replying :)
anyways continue your joke session
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gerry1
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10. September 2006 @ 13:27 |
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Quote:
hello gerry1,ye boats left earth.......or spaced out..
Damn, Ireland, that it awesome!! May I use it please? I really need to learn how to do that sort of thing! ...I've got this nice fancy Wacom Pallet and pen I seldom use except in in just the basic stuff in Photoshop elements. A friend who taught photoshop at Moore College of Art always said that if he could draw on top of his photoshop and Corel pain/draw skills, he'd be head and shoulders about the others. It seemed like fun and I wanted to learn but he moved out of town. There has got to be some good learning tools on disc instead of a book.
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 13:33 |
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gerry1 its ye drawing not mine.. only added stuff to make ye pix stand out.. to see if ye liked it that way......its yours..
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gerry1
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10. September 2006 @ 13:37 |
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Thanks Ireland!
Edit: Damn, that is so cool! Thanks again, Ireland!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 10. September 2006 @ 13:46
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 14:14 |
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ireland your quite good at all this picture editing stuff have you got any tutorials threads?
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 14:23 |
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sorry i have no guides,i been doing this stuff since win 95 days..
and most of what i learned was trial and error..
and its locked up in me head...and i am not very good at writing guides..and another reason i use different programs then most..
two example's,microsoft picture it version 1999 or 2000 and 2001
and microsoft digital image version 7,10 and 2006
i have all the good ones photoshop,gimp Corel Paint Shop Pro X and CorelDRAW® Graphics Suite 12 and a lot more..
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 10. September 2006 @ 14:28
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 14:26 |
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hey your just like me i dont use one program to make a picture i us about 3-6 programs using copy and payste :0 and dont underjudge mspaint.exe it can be quite useful to do easy stuff quick :)
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 14:32 |
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HUGE PHOTOSHOP RESOURCE DOWNLOAD LIST
i think the links still work i can not post them all,its a start
also here
http://good-tutorials.com
HUGE PHOTOSHOP RESOURCE DOWNLOAD LIST
Download 1000's Free CD/DVD Cover's - no fuss HERE
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kents_Grundge.ZIP
Great Tutorials for the Beginner
http://www.photoshophow.com
3-D Painter
Mike Warren's new action gives a 3D painted look to an image.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/mike_w_3d_painter_atn.zip
Airbrushing Action set
This will keep you busy for awhile. Ronald Clercx explains: Because I am a graphic designer, not an illustrator, I've marveled at people who could do airbrush effects, which are very hard to achieve manually. So I developed at action set that should make it easier.
The actions are not one-click run-stop actions. They guide an iterative process. Along with the actions, download Ronald's notes and tips.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Ai...nald_Clercx.zip
http://www.atncentral.com/PDF/About_AirbrushActions.pdf
Alabaster Portrait
Feivel's exciting new action is designed for portraits. The rollover provides a dramatic before and after demonstration. If high tone portraits cause you high anxiety, stay away. But if a distinctive, romantic portrait look is what you're after, you'll find it here.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/AlabasterPortrait.zip
AutoColor
On some images, Photoshop's auto color adjustment does a great job, but on others, it doesn't come close. Shane's action takes a different approach, by separating light, dark, and mid-range tones and applying individual color correction. It doesn't work on all images, but try it on under saturated natures and scenics. The last step in the action allows you to adjust opacity.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/auto-color.zip
Cartoon Action
Maureen stumbled across this technique for turning a photo into a cartoon or comic. Sharon was kind enough to offer to put it into an atn format for her, so it could be submitted here.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Maredas_Cartoon.zip
Comix Actions
Two actions?monochrome and color? that turn photos into comic book images with an outline, shadow and a blank layer to paint in solid colors (or hide to show the photos true colors). The size of the image effects the detail level, larger images will have more details.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Comix_Actions.zip
Custom Vignette 2.0
Galen Evans originally designed this subtle effect designed for Canon RAW images of 2052x3076, but this revision allows you to adjust the action for an image of any size. After inviting you to select an area of interest, it darkens the remaining area, throws it slightly out of focus, and adds contrast to the subject. Here's a technique I saw at Wisconsin Public Television recently: On a portrait, select the eyes and, at the end of the action, reduce opacity to diminish the effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Custom_Vignette_v2.0.zip
Dave Beaman's Ethereal Glow
This small action has been getting a lot of action on dpreview recently. The rollover shows what it does with a color photo, but try it with a black and white as well. Thanks to Feivel for sending Dave to this site.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Ethereal_Glow.zip
Dave's IR Actions
Dave Jaseck recreates infrared looks in digital imaging with this set of actions. There's plenty of opportunity for you to tweak the image to get far out ... or way in.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Dave's_IR.zip
Dave's Simplifier v.2
From Dave Jaseck, an updated version one of my favorite actions. Simplifier provides a painted effect by eliminating unimportant color detail. Don't confuse this with posterization. The histogram shows a lot of detail, rather than a staircase effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Daves_Simplifier_v2.zip
Dodging and Burning
A straightforward approach to dodging and burning that creates two adjustment layers, one for each effect. You paint on the layer masks in black or white (white adds the effect, while black erases it) ... then adjust the opacity for the degree of dodging or burning you wish. In the example, the burn layer is at 100%, while the dodge layer is 22%.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Dodging_Burning.zip
Dragan Action
Mike Warren created an action to show what can be done using various layers of the original (in Soft Light, Hard Light and Color Burn Mode along with a Curve Adjustment layer) layered over a Tritone conversion. The Tritone creates a grayscale image and adds a colorcast. You can adjust the curve in the Black to control contrast and shadow details-experiment with this on different images. The other two colors affect the overall tone; adjust these colors to taste. Load the Action, open the file named Original Run Action, and use the Burn tool to emphasize wrinkles
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MW_Dragan_Action.zip
Dragan Monochrome
Mike found that many of you were using his Dragan action for monochrome images. To retain the full dynamic range, he's developed this action that draganizes color images and converts them to mono in one step.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MW_BW.zip
Draganizer
Sharon has developed an action version of the Dragan effect that has been the subject of much discussion on dpreview.com. Experiment with this approach and with Kent Christiansen's ?Grundge Effect? on this site and use the one that gets the closest to the effect you're trying to achieve. Other examples are available at this link.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Draganizer.zip
Edgarian Blur
Howard Owen has produced an attractive blur action for portraits and named it for the man who described the technique, Albert Edgar, PhD., in the January, 2001 issue of PEI . "This effect uses mathematically related Gaussian blurs and fades to produce a misty, dreamlike blur," Howard writes. I concur. Instructions in the action.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Edgarian_Blur_2.0.zip
Emboss Glow
Mike Warren's action does what it claims, embossing the detail and embellishing it with a wonderful glow. Use it as-is or apply it to a background copy on which you reduce opacity. If you do that, you can also play with blending modes to achieve a different effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MikeW_emboss_glow.zip
Glamor Blur
Glamor Blur does what its name suggests. After flattening the image, it blurs skin tone but, by finding edges, keeps details such as hair in place. As a variation with a complex background to which you don't want the blur applied, select the face with a slight feather, select inverse, cut, rename this as a new document, run the action on it, then copy it into the original document as a new layer, and apply darken mode.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/glamblur.zip
Gothic Glow
Gothic Glow gives a glowing and feathering effect to an image. It can be applied to either the entire image or to just a selection, depending on which version of the action you select.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/gothicglow.zip
Grundge Effect Action
Kent reports that this action is more of a "tutorial" of a way to achieve a grundge type effect on people shots rather than a 'shortcut' to a Dragan style. He suggests that users control click through the action checking out each step. Begin with a well exposed image in which none of the channels are blown out. The action allows for several user-chosen modes, yet the defaults should work well on good images.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kents_Grundge.ZIP
LensBlur
This action mimics the effect of the popular ?LensBaby,? which Kent urges you to try because no Photoshop effect can duplicate it entirely. The action has 3 main aspects: A motion and radial blur; a noise and chromatic aberration routine; and a vignette. You can use the first action alone or in any combination. The noise and CA part is written for both CS or earlier versions of PS. It has built in flexibility and is not a 'one click' action, although running just the first action is quick and gets good results. Kent suggests trying the default settings at first, then experimenting. He thanks Danny R for help in crafting the action and Pam R for her insights on the actual effect and the vignette idea.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kent_slensblur-djr-pr.zip
Midnight Action Collection
Dave Jaseck has pulled his four popular "midnight" actions together into one set--Midnight Blue, Gold, Sepia--and the new Midnight Black. These at last equal and may surpass some commercial filters designed to achieve the same effects. The color tone can be adjusted by putting an action stop at the color balance step.
Also included is an Elements2 version for use with Ling's snapAction interface. The .atn files go into Elements's "Presets/Photoshop Actions" folder. The .xml file goes into Elements's "HTMLPalettes/Recipes/LUI/add" folder. Then run snapActions and you should see "Menu: Dave Jasecks's Midnight actions" on the Left. Move it to the Right and hit Generate.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Mi..._Collection.zip
Midnight Sepia, v.2
I am convinced that Dave Jaseck never sleeps. Lucky thing for us. Dave has updated his favorite action, Midnight Sepia, to overcome issues reported to him in version 1 with certain types of images.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MidnightSepiav2.zip
Paint with Light
Chip's action creates two layers, Use both layers to bring out this dynamic effect. Grab a white brush (10-15% opacity) to paint Light on the Color Dodge layer. Grab a black brush (10-15% opacity) to add shadows and bring out the drama with the Color Burn Shadow layer. You may need to use higher opacity brushes on some pictures. If using a Wacom tablet, you may also want to adjust flow control.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Paint_with_Light.zip
Paint with Light II
Chip's Paint with Light II will bring out details in shadows and highlights. It is similar to his other PWL action, but does not use the burn modes, leaving a more natural, but equally dramatic look?especially effective for black and white. Run the action, pick a soft black or white brush, and start painting. You can also use it as a gray layer for adding filters such as texturizing. Play with different layer modes to alter effects.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Paint_W_Light_II.zip
Portrait Effect
This action desaturates a portrait and gives you control over degree of saturation, contrast, background blur and soft focus.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/portrait_effect.zip
Sepiatone
Another action from Andy Purviance, this uses a duotone approach to create a sepiatone effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Sepiatone.zip
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 14:39 |
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woah did you type that all because if you did you type faster then me :0 my m8s think i type well fast but you type really really fast :0
thanks a lot for all them programs i might download a few when i can get my hardrive working (if ever) i love animation and stuff so i susgest you use a program called 3d studio max (its what movie companies use to make cgi animations) it costs about 2000 pounds so i dont know anyone in there right mind who would pay for it.
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 14:48 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 10. September 2006 @ 14:50
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 14:51 |
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whats your website then?
and i thorght it was anyway because to type all that in that time would be impossibal. by the way ireland where do you live? do you acually live in ireland?
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 14:56 |
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born in ireland and now live in Pennsylvania.
i just put in a call for 3d studio max so i can check it out..
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AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2006 @ 15:20 |
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Senior Member
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10. September 2006 @ 22:40 |
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yeah i sort of went sleep aswell :S
anyways i got school now but try tthe 3ds max program you can do some amaysing 3d animations in there.
export to whatever reserlution you want.
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AfterDawn Addict
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11. September 2006 @ 06:12 |
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gerry1,ye asked for it..
DRIVE-THRU CONFESSIONAL
The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor, a "higher ranking" priest, came for a visit to see how he was doing.
After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John....that flashing neon sign that says 'TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL'....well, it has got to go!!"
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'
1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."
3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, "The pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, "He preaches too loudly."
5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.
8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.
10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only July!
THINGS TO DO WHEN JEHOVAH WITNESSES VISIT YOU
1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.
7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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