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President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner He tells them: "I needed three important people to send my message out to all people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth."
Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton calls an emergency meeting of Congress and announces: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."
Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, we don't have to fix the Y2K problem."
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A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.
All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"
"No", he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
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Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she now became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was even more awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
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One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"
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Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
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The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."
"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"
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Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
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Dear Mr. Cameron: As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from her.
Dear Ms. Cameron.
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.
In answer to your first question: In every picture existent of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.
I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship," "Ecology," and one which apparently was called "Relevance." We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.
Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.
Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.
One thing IS completely verifiable: Your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it.
Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Prisons
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
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Why am I so Tired?
For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on getting little sleep, low iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the United States is 237 million, and 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take out the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're just sitting there screwing around reading this !!!!
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TOBACCO SETTLEMENT FAQ
(FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS)
Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.
Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A: Of course.
Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A: By selling more tobacco products.
Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A: Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.
Q: Failure to make large political donations??
A: Yes.
Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A: The late Lucille Ball's.
Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who,despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.
Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?
A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A: No, thank you. I have my own.
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Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later I might think I'm having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
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