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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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Auslander
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2. July 2005 @ 09:04 |
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they're sized perfectly for you, honey :-)
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 21:22 |
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Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
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2. July 2005 @ 21:25 |
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hehehee...good one, regor.
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 21:50 |
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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2. July 2005 @ 21:54 |
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gotta love little johnny...that kid gets around, lol.
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 21:59 |
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An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.
The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 22:02 |
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 22:05 |
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 22:07 |
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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2. July 2005 @ 22:08 |
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A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary. A reported asked, "Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?"
"Well," the old-timer told him, "when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block.
You'd be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
AfterDawn Addict
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3. July 2005 @ 00:37 |
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LMAO at all of those. Esp the women in the dept store!
Pulsar
Gif by Phantom69
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:15 |
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A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:21 |
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A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.
Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".
"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"
"Wakatu" he replies.
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Leach Place" he replies.
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!
Good on ya mate
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:26 |
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:31 |
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Auslander invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Auslander's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Auslandrer and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Auslander and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Auslander volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Lola and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Lola came to Auslander and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Auslander said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Auslander received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Lola, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Lola. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. July 2005 @ 20:33 |
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hilarious as always, regor :-)
you ripped off a joke about gay roommates on taht last one, bud. :-P it's on here, somewhere.
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:38 |
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well at least you are happy, that's what counts!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
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3. July 2005 @ 20:42 |
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and for that, i thank you :-)
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:45 |
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ich bin ein gay, Auslander? I never would have figured.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. July 2005 @ 20:50 |
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by the old, true definition, yes. by the common, slang definition....definitely a "no".
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 20:55 |
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ich bin ein 'happy' too!
in fact, ich bin ein 'class clown'
so certain readers should take no offense, hopefully...
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. July 2005 @ 20:58 |
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certain readers that are dating me might actually get a chuckle out of it :-)
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 21:06 |
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ohhhhh.... now I get it Auslander... no, the original was John and Julie, at least the original I am familiar with - I shamefully changed the names to Auslander and Lola (I couldn't resist). If by chance in some other thread someone factored in a bill or a bob into a variation of same, I take no claim for that.
Shame on any for arbitrary factoring, anyway; factoring should be left to mathematicians. I am just so glad that my factoring was decidedly not arbitrary :)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
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3. July 2005 @ 21:09 |
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yeah yeah yeah...go numerate some denominators or something :-P
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regor
Senior Member
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3. July 2005 @ 21:12 |
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I have already co-sined for all 3 of my kids... I guess that makes me a trig cove ???
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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