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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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1. June 2005 @ 04:14 |
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methinx of george bush when i hear that.
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regor
Senior Member
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2. June 2005 @ 20:01 |
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Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?
After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
------>
And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like that???
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. June 2005 @ 04:14 |
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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3. June 2005 @ 15:06 |
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A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. June 2005 @ 15:49 |
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there's a kkk biker gang stationed just down the road from me in this little bar...
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ddp
Moderator
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3. June 2005 @ 18:40 |
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well go & do them in than!!!
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. June 2005 @ 18:43 |
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i'm creating some home-made dynamite right now :)
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ddp
Moderator
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3. June 2005 @ 18:49 |
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what is the ingrediants as my uncle told me how to make it back in 74
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rap4life
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4. June 2005 @ 17:52 |
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George Bush slogans
Top George Bush Slogans
I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
New penal plan: I won't use mine!
Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
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rap4life
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4. June 2005 @ 17:55 |
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Here is a free puppy
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
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rap4life
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4. June 2005 @ 17:59 |
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Nicknames of Bill Clinton and his master
Bill Clinton Nicknames
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel
Hillary Clinton nicknames
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham
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rap4life
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4. June 2005 @ 18:17 |
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Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
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rap4life
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4. June 2005 @ 18:35 |
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Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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regor
Senior Member
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7. June 2005 @ 18:27 |
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Quote:
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
I thought this was about things not to ask cops, not dentists ???
Hey Nephilim... I suspect what we have here is another one of those offensive posts.... should I report it?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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7. June 2005 @ 18:50 |
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ddp, actually, i'm trying to remember the method. there's a way to extract a nitro-glycerin-like substance (if not nitro itself) from animal fat and lye, and then basically you mix it with sawdust or something like it as a stabilizer to create dynamite. i have the instructions around here for plastic explosives, as well, i believe. at one point, i had downloaded the Anarchist's Cookbook and had a rather good read :)
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regor
Senior Member
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7. June 2005 @ 19:13 |
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Napoleon Dynamite?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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ScubaBud
AfterDawn Addict
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7. June 2005 @ 19:23 |
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Ops... removed this post since it belongs in a different thread.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 7. June 2005 @ 19:25
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andmerr
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9. June 2005 @ 19:04 |
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thats ok scubabud, we will forgive you this time.
this is for all you scrooges:
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF...................
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat - you just might be a Scrooge
If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you just might be a scrooge
If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir - you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge
If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog - you just might be a Scrooge
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 9. June 2005 @ 19:05
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andmerr
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10. June 2005 @ 01:38 |
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so sue me i'm 6 months early:
STAR TREK
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip.
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! I
t's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight
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epepper9
Member
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10. June 2005 @ 02:19 |
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Cool Andmerr. Always plenty of funnies. :)
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b.torrent
Newbie
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10. June 2005 @ 06:15 |
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Why don't blondes go bald?
Because the vacuum in their head holds the hair in
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rick5446
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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10. June 2005 @ 13:33 |
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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking
hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker: "How much do
you charge? Hooker replies,
"It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. Not even a televangelist
wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own
it because I give a blow-job that's worth every penny of $1,500."
The guy, still basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up! Ten
minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
hardly believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?
The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"
The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy....."
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regor
Senior Member
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14. June 2005 @ 19:51 |
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Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and
his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
"light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10."
The Redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand!
NOTE: This procedure works in Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana,
Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, "North Carolina", Georgia and West
Virginia.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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18. June 2005 @ 00:13 |
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cant remember doing this one , unless some smart ass wants to trek through the last 10 pages.
25 Things Never To Say During Sex
1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
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andmerr
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19. June 2005 @ 02:12 |
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Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
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