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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 12:00 |
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Bachelor's Food
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 12:38 |
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Lemon Car Signs
Looking for a car? Here are some telltale signs of cars you may want to avoid...
Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
Jaws of life in trunk.
The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 12:42 |
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Stupid People
Can people really be this stupid?
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 12:43 |
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Senior's Sex Guide
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 08:51 |
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How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sod you! That's the electrician's job."
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 08:55 |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.
An actuary: It looked in the file and that's what it did last year.
A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 08:57 |
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You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 08:58 |
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Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 08:59 |
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A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 09:02 |
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Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 09:04 |
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A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 09:07 |
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General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 09:09 |
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Computers are Like Men...
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In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
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They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
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They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
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As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
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They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Computers are Like Women...
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No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
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The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
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Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
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As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
The 8 Types of Supporters
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. April 2006 @ 09:11 |
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Computer Problem Questionnaire
1. Describe your problem.
2. Now, describe the problem accurately.
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
4. Is your computer plugged in?
5. Is it turned on?
6. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
7. Have you made it worse?
8. Have you read the manual?
9. Are you sure you've read the manual?
10. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
11. Do you think you understood it?
12. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
13. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
14. If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
15. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
16. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
17. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Top Explanations by Programmers
Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to have a malfunction.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your data.
I have not touched that module!
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidense.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 9. April 2006 @ 09:13
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. April 2006 @ 16:14 |
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This burger is selling for £85 in some London restaurant ... and I thought New Yorkers were looney
The ingredients are Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit, and English plum tomatoes, all packed into 24-hour fermented sour dough bread
{edited to add ingredients}
DISCLAIMER: If you find a posting or message from me
offensive, inappropriate, or disruptive, please ignore it.
If you dont know how to ignore a posting, complain to
me and I will be only too happy to demonstrate . . .
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 13. April 2006 @ 06:04
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:13 |
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diet rules
Here are some new diet rules you can actually live by!
Start losing all the weight you ever dreamed of losing!
* Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
* Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies and popsicles.
* Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream; mush- rooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and maybe substituted for any other food color without increasing caloric content.
* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
* If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.... So encourage others to eat more... and more often...
* In food used for medicinal purposes the calories NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
* Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are not part of one's personal fuel... merely entertainment.
* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.
* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. (see above, encouraging others)
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:18 |
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The Guys' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes! , I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:22 |
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Here below are the official rules of stealing other people's lighters. Although stealing lighters is despicable and morally wrong, it is always going to happen whether it be an accident or you're going all out to steal it.So I have written the OFFICIAL rules of stealing lighters so we all have a code of conduct to follow and you can then officially punch someone in the mouth if they steal your lighter without following these guidelines.
The Background
Stealing lighters has been a hobby of mine, and many other peoples around the world, for a long time. There's no better feeling than seeing a friend going mad shouting 'Who the fuck has nicked my lighter?!'. But then there's the flipside. You will be walking home after a good smoke at a friend's house and you decide you want a cigarette.Then search all your pockets and realise, this time, you're the victim. Sometimes you can boast about the quality of lighter you stole last night or sometimes your screaming because a lighter that cost 2.00 in Spar has gone 'walkies'. The 'game' of lighter stealing is good when you're winning, but can still provoke murder when you're losing.
Common types of Lighter
1. 'The Disposable'
The most common and most accidently stolen lighter. These lighters dont cost much to buy and dont give much stealing satisfaction but many times you will find you accidently put this in your pocket rather than the victims.
2. 'The Clipper'
The Clipper is good steal for any good lighter thief, especially when they are brand new and still have the white barcode sticker on the back.
3. 'The Clipper Elite'
The Clipper Elite is the rarest of standard Clippers so it will be a big target. Theres absolutley no difference between the Clipper and the Clipper Elite except for the word 'Elite'. Obviously this makes a world of difference.
4. 'The Novelty Disposal'
The Novelty Disposable lighter is a bonus theft. They are very rare, so when they appear, everyone is out to steal it.
5. 'The Novelty Clipper'
Stealing this lighter can give you a lighter thief reputation. If your found out, the person you stole it from will probably never forgive you. This is the lighter stealing equivilent of the Clipper Elite x 10.
6. 'The Jet Lighter'
These lighters come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, cost about 3.00 and run out of gas at an extraordinary rate. This makes them all the more rare and all the more appealing. The victim will be very pissed off if this leaves his possesion.
7. 'The Zippo'
Under no circumstances should a Zippo lighter be stolen, it is strictly forbidden in the lighter thief circle. These lighters can cost 20 or over so stealing this is like stealing an eigth. If you steal these, I hope somebody beats you to death with one. Bastard.
The Rules
1. 'The 24 Hour Rule'
The most important of all rules and must be adhered to at all times. This rule is designed to give the victim a right to get his/her lighter back. This means that if the victim discovers his/her stolen lighter in the thieves' possession within 24 hours of stealing it, the lighter must be returned immediately. If the thief has had the lighter for more than 24 hours it is then owned by him and can be legally used in anyway he wants. This includes enticing the victim by waving in front of them while singing 'I nicked your lighter'.
The exact time is never usually taken down but it is up to the thief to keep the lighter undiscovered well over the 24 hours as all discrepancies are given in favour of the victim.
2. 'Hiding'
Once a lighter is stolen it must be kept on the thief's person and must not, in any circumstances, be hidden anywhere else i.e. under a bed, down the side of a sofa etc. The thief still has many places to hide a lighter on themselves such as in the sock, in the sleeve or even, if possible to remain undetected, in the mouth. It is forbidden to hide a lighter in any kind of underwear or around the crotch area, as this affects the 'Searching an Accused' rule, below.
3. 'Passing Rule'
When a lighter has been stolen it can be passed around the room secretly between 2 or more people to fool the victim, until the victim accuses someone, and then the passing must cease. The victim is then allowed to search the accused as he sees fit (See 'Searching an accused') and the thief who is in possession at that time must keep the lighter.
4. 'Searching an Accused'
Another rule created in favour of the victim. After having a lighter stolen the victim will accuse somebody of that theft and he then has right to search that person using the police/bouncer search method or 'pat down' as it is commonly known as. The victim can search that one person only and if the lighter is not found the victim must get used to the fact his lighter has gone unless the victim has a good reason to search somebody else.These reasons can include overhearing who has the lighter, an informer grassing a thief up or catching sight of the lighter again.
The crotch area is not allowed to be searched as it is against the rules for the thief to hide the lighter there.
5. 'Swearing on your Mother's Life'
This rule can be used against thieves to find out who has got the lighter. If your accused of having the stolen lighter and you are too stoned to get up and be searched, you can swear on your mother's life you haven't got it. If you're lying and you have got it, the consequences speak for themselves. This cannot be used to force people to grass on each other.
Stealing Techniques
These skills can take practice to master but when used properly and efficiently, lighters can be stolen and the victim wont even know its gone.
1. 'Borrowing'
By far and away the most common tactic used by the lighter thief. You ask a friend for a light, take ages to use it until the friend has forgotten about it, then place in the pocket. Simple, yet highly effective method. The problem with this trick is you always have to hope that they forget who they lent it to or accuse someone else. If they search someone else and no-one grasses on you, you're home and dry.
2. 'The Distraction Method'
The oldest trick in the book and not just used in the art of lighter stealing. This is usually only performed when somebody has left a lighter on a table. You cunningly avert the victims attention by pointing at something. A picture of Rachel Stevens works wonders as the victim will stare for that fraction longer, leaving you more time to swipe the lighter and hide in an appropriate place.
3. 'Pickpocketing'
Pickpocketing is very risky and if someone catches you with your hand in their pocket you would be looking at serious Nipple Twist at the very least. This is more of an opportuinist technique and is best used when the lighter is hanging out of the pocket.
4. 'The Magician'
A crafty skill that takes practice, good lying skills and a big sleeve. You borrow the lighter and light your cigarette/spliff. As the victim takes his/her eyes off the lighter for a second, drop it down the sleeve. When the victim asks where the lighter went you have to blame the person next to you, say you dropped it or, if your really good at lying, tell the victim a squirrel ran past, grabbed it and ran off.
Defending your Lighter
More often than not you will go out at night with only one lighter with you so your going to need to stop theives taking it. These prevention tactics are a good start to keeping your lighter throughout the night.
1. Keep Your Eye On It
If you lend someone a lighter, keep your eye on it. Dont let someone move your attention away from it no matter how stoned you are or how clever the distraction is.
2. Be Careful Who you Lend It Too
Theres always some motherfucker who spends the entire time trying to steal everyone in the rooms lighters. This person is beyond a joke so the solution to this problem is: Dont lend them your lighter under any circumstances. If they can't light a spliff then keep the lighter in your hand and light it for them, reminding them that your wouldn't have to do that if he/she wasnt such a thieving shit.
3. Let the Bastard Steal a Joke Lighter
Go to the joke shop. Purchase one joke electric shock or exploding lighter. Go to mates house. Leave joke lighter out for thief to steal. If you have ever been tricked by one of these lighters you will realise why this is a good idea. When I bought an electric shock one I decided to test it to see if it really was that bad. I nearly pissed myself. Try one yourself...
Conclusion
If you dont want your lighter to be stolen, dont bring one out with you. Innocent people who do not know the rules can also become victims of lighter theft so be warned. The enitire point of this is stealing the lighter and then boasting about the quality of lighter you stole. More often than not it will be a disposable lighter but even though its funny to picture a person's face when they are in need of a nicotine intake and they realise their 50p lighter has been stolen, its all the more pleasing to picture their face when they realise their Clipper Elite or Jet Lighter is in your pocket rather than theirs.It's just a bit of fun and most lighters dont cost much more than 2.00 so killing someone because they stole your lighter in the shape of breasts isnt advised. Take this page as warning and hone your skills and soon you will be stoned and laughing at the thought of a friend having to ask a granny for a light. And then stealing the grannies lighter as payback.
PLEASE FOLLOW THE RULES AND REMEMBER ITS ONLY A LIGHTER!
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:32 |
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A middle-aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and
promises to heal the sick. He says, "Pray with me, placing your right
hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area." So the man
places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his
wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:35 |
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Four Catholic Ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'" Since the fourth Catholic
woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well....?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2"
hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my
God!'"
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:36 |
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then
finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then
stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:38 |
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The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and
said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a
moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother
is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative
mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken
United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was
interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in
a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving
her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way
representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a
roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money
to them, why should I give any to you?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:41 |
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Here is a neat question for you to Ponder. You only have 1 answer and
the fate of the world is in your hands. It is time to elect a world
leader. It all comes down to your vote. Here's the scoop on the three
leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martini's a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon. Used
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer, and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Ok....... Which of these candidates is your choice? A, B, or C?
Scroll Down for the Answer...
Candidate A was Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B was Winston Churchill.
Candidate C was Adolph Hitler.
Kind of scary, huh?....
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:44 |
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A young boy who had just gotten his driving permit asked his father, who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your Grades up, study your
Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.
"A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his
use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut."
The young man hesitated for a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking
about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:47 |
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One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living
quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom!
I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in
Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner,
the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have
to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been
married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but
she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt
is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you
can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but
after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly
announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're
getting married in June." Again her father insisted
on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully
sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally
decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has
done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,"
she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her
head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear.
He's not really your father."
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