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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. February 2006 @ 03:59 |
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A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
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To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
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If 99.9% is good enough then....
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly
3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
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Did you hear about the blonde who won a Gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.
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The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells"
on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.
But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "but never with a carnation."
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. February 2006 @ 04:07 |
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Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?" to which the little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.
A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!", Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."
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Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner/friend is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! Its those voices again."
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud ..."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!
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Erick sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong PAL ?"
"I'll never understand women." Erick said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow !" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy ? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well..." Erick went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she wants to come back."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing! He should see the BACK of MINE!"
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Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric orthopedic surgeon and helped correct deformities in children."
St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St.Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to hell."
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Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Is THAT what you're wearing?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7,1999. (I watched it and remember it well ed.) Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants she realized that her rear was frozen to the fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. February 2006 @ 04:13 |
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt. Speed bird 206, clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: "With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!"
Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of Boeing... I didn't stop."
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The 2000 Federal Census for Rednecks
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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18. February 2006 @ 05:04 |
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Did you know:
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row ! of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.
Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:13 |
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:13 |
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:14 |
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:15 |
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LOL!!
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:17 |
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Senior Member
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18. February 2006 @ 05:18 |
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LMAO AUSSIE ON A DATE!!
btw sorry all you aussie, its a joke ;D
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 09:48 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. February 2006 @ 09:58
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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19. February 2006 @ 10:06 |
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changing the mood, deviating from politics:
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Senior Member
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19. February 2006 @ 10:49 |
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These are'nt funny..there just..f***ed!!
However searching for "crazy fat men" brings up several picutures of George Galloway..
he is the hairest man in china..i just wanna throw a razour at him!!
Theres one for the colection Ireland.
LMAO!!it was the £100 qeustions and all!!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. February 2006 @ 11:05
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 11:00 |
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rav009
the last pix has to be removed,with the word fork in it..
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Senior Member
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19. February 2006 @ 11:06 |
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erm....how'd that get in there ??!!
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Senior Member
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19. February 2006 @ 11:17 |
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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19. February 2006 @ 14:16 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 19. February 2006 @ 14:21
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:29 |
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Eating Out
Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.
"Awwwww come on." I said.
"It wasn't that bad."
"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.
"What ?" I replied.
"I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:31 |
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Unlocking The Door
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
The guy says,
"Well, give me some examples."
The girlfriend proceeds to tell him,
"Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then she said,
"Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
He then proceeded to say,
"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:32 |
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Cheating
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted,
"Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said,
"What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled, and said,
"I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:35 |
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Pregnant
When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared.
"It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush,
"and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered."
"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor.
"It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."
Startled, Celeste exclaimed,
"You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:41 |
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Welfare Office
A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes. The suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"
The man said,
"You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said,
"Yeah, well, you started it."
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:44 |
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Fairy Tales
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child,
"do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon a Time...?'"
"No, dearest," replied the mother,
"sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
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Stop Farting
An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him,
"Don't fart!!!"
Husband says,
"Shut your mouth."
A few minutes later he farts again, she screams
"Please stop farting!!!"
Again he says,
"Just shut your mouth."
She is really angry and finally she asks him,
"How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"
"Well" says the husband,
"I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:48 |
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Forgive Me Father
This fellow comes to confession.
"Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked,
"What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.
"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied,
"I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. February 2006 @ 19:50 |
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Wee Button
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming
"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says
"My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.
"I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
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