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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. April 2006 @ 08:40 |
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Professors Fun
50 fun things for professors to do on the first day of class...
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."
31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.
39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.
46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.
48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."
50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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28. April 2006 @ 12:54 |
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Prison Or Work
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. May 2006 @ 17:32 |
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Golf Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. May 2006 @ 17:35 |
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Unavoidable Laws
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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AfterDawn Addict
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8. May 2006 @ 09:04 |
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Farting People
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
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AfterDawn Addict
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8. May 2006 @ 09:09 |
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First Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there?s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn?t effective enough.
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
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AfterDawn Addict
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8. May 2006 @ 09:14 |
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Really Annoy People
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 8. May 2006 @ 09:15
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. May 2006 @ 10:31 |
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The Mother of a Veterinarian
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, about $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. May 2006 @ 10:36 |
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True Hunting Story?
This is supposedly a true report of an incident in Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they need to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, and somewhere for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing ...... (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when the vehicle, the guns, and the dog were mentioned?
Let's talk about the dog: It's a highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane...
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck.
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!.
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. May 2006 @ 10:51 |
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Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.
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How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
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How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
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Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
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Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush.
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Perty' near took out the whole trailer park.
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What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
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What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
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What's the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. May 2006 @ 10:53 |
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Q. What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A. Penicillin.
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Q. What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
A. The back of her head.
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Q. What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A. A know-it-all bitch.
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Q. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A. Branch manager.
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Q. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
A. Data transfer.
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Q. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?
A. She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
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Q. How can you tell a blonde has been at a computer?
A. There's cheese in front of the mouse.
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Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
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Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
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Q. What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
A. No make-up.
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Q. What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A. "Is it mine?"
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Q. Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
A. She was in there so long, she wet her pants.
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Q. What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted flakes.
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Q. Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
A. Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
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Q. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
A. The dumb blonde! There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
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Q: Why did God give blondes 2% more intelligence than horses?
A: He didn't want them pooping in the street during parades, too.
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Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury a blonde.
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Q. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
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Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear ?
A. "Thanks for the refill."
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Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?
A: Alone.
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Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
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Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
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Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
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Q: What will she ask you?
A: 'Is it mine?'
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Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
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Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
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Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.
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Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
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Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
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Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
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Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3-1/2 days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125 lbs.
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Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
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Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
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Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
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Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
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Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
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Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
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Q: How does a blonde "high-5?"
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
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Q: What was the blonde doing up on the roof?
A: Someone told her that the drinks were on the house!!
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. May 2006 @ 10:59 |
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While driving home, I was eating an apple. It wasn't until I tossed the core out the window that the police car came up behind me. The officer pulled me over, and as I was getting out my license, I joked that I was helping to clean up the roadside. The core would become a home for ants, which would pick up tiny bits of litter.
I was amazed he was nodding in agreement until he said, "So let's see your building permit."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
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tocool4u
Suspended permanently
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12. May 2006 @ 13:41 |
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LOL....This is so cool.......
Take a look at this
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 12. May 2006 @ 13:41
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AfterDawn Addict
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13. May 2006 @ 13:50 |
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Susie walkin the dog!
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".
Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"
The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
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Member
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15. May 2006 @ 10:47 |
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I remember my fathers last words like it was yesterday. "Son don't point that thing at me!" His funeral is this weekend.
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. May 2006 @ 15:33 |
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SIGNS OF AGE
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
* Your children begin to look middle-aged.
* Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
* You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
* You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf
course.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
* You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
* You wear black socks with sandals.
* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
* You got cable for the Weather Channel.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father"
class.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
* Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the
same story for the zillionth time.
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the
rocker.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former
teachers.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
* You keep repeating yourself.
* People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
* Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate."
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. May 2006 @ 15:42
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. May 2006 @ 09:07 |
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Retirement Time
Retire Aged Personnel Early
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. May 2006 @ 19:41 |
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Tongue Twisters
We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Try saying these 10 times fast...
Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Ship Shape Shitheads
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UK_Gamer
Suspended permanently
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20. May 2006 @ 13:39 |
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Hey Ireland,
edited by ddp
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 20. May 2006 @ 19:23
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ddp
Moderator
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20. May 2006 @ 19:24 |
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UK_Gamer, watch what you post as there are young kids on this site! post edited
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AfterDawn Addict
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21. May 2006 @ 06:26 |
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Bachelor's Food
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 21. May 2006 @ 06:33
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UK_Gamer
Suspended permanently
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21. May 2006 @ 07:32 |
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ddp how young are they?
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ddp
Moderator
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21. May 2006 @ 07:38 |
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maybe some in the high single digits.
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AfterDawn Addict
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21. May 2006 @ 07:39 |
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. May 2006 @ 10:48 |
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Call from Daddy !!!
Call from daddy!!! ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**
"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you havent got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddys car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didnt know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think hes dead"
***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says . . .. Swimming pool?? ...
Is this 555-7039??????"
No.
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