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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:48 |
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Here's what some of us have to look forward to...
RE: Fun in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie-you're already dead,remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke adoobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs youwant - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh,You're gonna hate Fridays."
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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15. April 2006 @ 05:52 |
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A tall man and a short man meet in a bar. The short man eyes the other guy enviously and asks, "Tall man, how did you get so tall"? The tall man responds, "Well, it's quite easy really; I rub grease on my chest every night before bedtime".
Eager to become taller, the short man does the same and rubs grease on chest each and every night before bedtime. He does this religiously for weeks ... the weeks turn into months but without effect; the short man isn't even a fraction of an inch taller.
Some months later, the short man runs into the tall man again at the same bar. Voicing his disappointment the short man says, "Tall man, I've done exactly as you said. I've been rubbing grease on my chest every night before bedtime but it hasn't worked; I'm not even the least bit taller". The tall man thinks for a bit and asks, "What kind of grease do you use"? and the short man replies "Crisco". Impatiently, the tall man replies, "Well no wonder....that's shortening"!
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:53 |
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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf courselined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!
Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost .
" They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that", the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for
a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!", the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year,tax free, for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done", the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, Genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years.
My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot ofmoney
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?""35", she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:55 |
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The Moral of the Story
Miss Johnson gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day the students came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Katie Jo said, "My daddy's a farmer and we got us a mess of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on thefront
seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all them eggs went
a-flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked Miss J.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, Katie, Jo" said Miss Johnson. "Now, Lucy?"
"Well, our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We had us a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we
only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, "Don't count
your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
Wide eyed, Johnny replied, "Why, yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this
story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob, he, was a pilot in Vi-etnam and his
plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was
a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete... He drank the whole
bottle whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
He killed seventy of 'em with the machine gun until he run out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"My goodness, gracious!" exclaimed the horrified Miss J., "And just
what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that awful story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:56 |
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Where the old tradition of putting an angel on top of a Christmas tree came from:
Santa was having a bad day. Mrs Claus was nagging and
PMS. The dwarves were working slowly due to rotating
strikes and picket lines. There were serious assembly
problems. Claus's daughter required expensive dental
care after biting down on her tongue ring. Rudolf was
getting old and stodgy, and was having elimination
problems. And Claus himself put his back out working
out at the local Fitness World.
In the midst of all this a shimmering angel arrived one
evening with a lovely tree. As Claus answered the door,
frowning and muttering, the angel smiled and said
"Merry Christmas, Santa! Here's your tree. Where do you
want me to stick it?
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 05:59 |
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CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals
of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:05 |
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Funny Froggie Story
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Member
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15. April 2006 @ 06:05 |
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Lol who would you pick?
Thanks to DVDBack23 for making my signature. |
AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:07 |
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MARRIAGE HUMOR
Submitted By: roylek@juno.com
MARRIAGE HUMOR by Jack Henshall ------------------------- Some old...some new
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:11 |
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The Book
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus.....
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:17 |
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10 RULES FOR FEMALE AOL'ers
=== (C) Copyright 1996 - 1998 ===
Submitted By: JoksOnUBab
1. Before deciding you're falling in love, with a man you meet on AOL, and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not your long lost cousin, who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap, but now has a corner office and works for IBM.
2. When receiving IM's, from strange men, late at night, you should always check for a profile before you chat with them. The only place people like Ted Bundy will have a profile, is the FBI serial killer database. So, if he doesn't have a profile, beware!
3. Don't read or answer any e-mail, that sends you a link to any web site with a name like "www.vibrator4u.com."
4. Make up witty answers to the proverbial, "So, what do you do for a living?" that come out of the blue from a man in chat. If you don't care to respond to this question honestly, good responses are, "I seal envelopes at home; I'm up to 15 a day now!" or "I run a coven of witches, out of a small cave, near the Delaware coast" or "I'm the person who walks behind elephants at the circus." It just makes chat so much more fun!
5. Watch out for .wav files with names like "bendover.wav" and "lemmedoU.wav" from men you don't know!
6. When instant messaging an old boyfriend, who broke your heart, but whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off with, "you fu**ing a**hole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having Brie right now!"
7. Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey available in your collection of .GIFs. Send this to the cyber freaks, who won't leave you alone and tell them it's you.
8. Respond to everything a "jerk" says with, " <~~~ not listening, day dreaming about homicide." Keep listing this as a response. It will drive them nuts.
9. If you REALLY meet a nice guy on AOL, call a private detective. Chances are, it's a 'cover" in the Witness Protection Program.
10. And finally, install a second phone line and keep it free. Forget about other people needing to call you...you really need it for the day you might want to order a pizza without having to sign off.
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:28 |
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Nursing Home
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
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Member
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15. April 2006 @ 06:30 |
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Ireland not trying to be rude but maybe you could limit your jokes to 7 a day?
Thanks to DVDBack23 for making my signature.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. April 2006 @ 06:30
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. April 2006 @ 06:38 |
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nero_123 also not trying to be rude this is why i started this thread also i did not put a limit on how meny jokes to post a day.
A little Smoking?
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man him arrested . . . for arson.
ACCORDING TO MEN, THESE ARE THE (GUY'S) RULES
1. Rules? I don't need no stinkin' rules!
2. Rules, by their very nature must be constant and demo- cratically created or they serve no appropriate function.
3. Rules which are whimsical and self-serving are a desperate attempt to intimidate and dominate the unduly oppressed members of our society.
4. Any attempt by the female to inflict self-indulgent rules upon the male should be countered by a discussion of deficit family spending on (male) nonessential items.
5. Rules which interfere with the viewing of sporting events or limit the access to one's computer are null and void.
6. If PMS is detected, immediate evacuation is recommended.
7. If disaster appears emanate, pretend to follow the rules, until an avenue of escape becomes available.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. April 2006 @ 06:40
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Member
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15. April 2006 @ 06:39 |
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lol ok fair enough,after all you did start this thread.
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 10:15 |
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A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,'Hey lady, you are really ugly.' Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, 'Hey lady, you are really ugly.'
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said,'That's not good.' and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, 'Hey lady.' She paused and said,'Yes?' and the bird said, 'You know.'
{edited to correct spelling/typo}
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 16. April 2006 @ 10:17
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 12:28 |
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Signs of the Times
~OLLIIn the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
~LIOn an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
~LIOutside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
~LIOn a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
~LIOn a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
~LIOn a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
~LIOn a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
~LIOn a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
~LIIn a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
~LIOn a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
~LIIn a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
~LIIn a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
~LIIn a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
~LIIn a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 12:29 |
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hings to go Hmm about
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It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don't live longer than single people.
It just seems longer.
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Common Sense Isn't.
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 12:31 |
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Helpful tips to make life easier
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Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 12:33 |
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As I said before, I never repeat myself
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
College Is Just One Big Party, With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
You think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, "cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. April 2006 @ 12:35 |
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Middle Age 09-19-1998
As far as I'm concerned, old age is fifteen years from now!
At eighty, there are six women for every man. What a time to get odds like that.
The best time for men to have babies is when they're eighty. That's when they have to get up ten times a night anyway!
Old age is when a woman buys a sheer nightie and doesn't know anyone who can see through it!
She doesn't show her age, but if you look under her makeup it's there.
His wife powders, and he puffs!
She was born in the Year of Our Lord only knows!
He dines with the upper set. He should use his lowers too!
Instead of a daily dozen, he's got a daily doesn't.
She's been pressing sixty so long it's pleated!
Old age is creaking up on her!
He's so old his typewriter runs on wood!
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. April 2006 @ 06:14 |
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JOIN THE FERTILIZER CLUB - FREE!
This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and sh@t on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.
Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people sh@tting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood.
Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane
P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don?t break the chain. One Man didn?t give a sh@t and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. April 2006 @ 19:49 |
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Your New Computer
Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!
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Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2˝ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.
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You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. April 2006 @ 08:31 |
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DISCLAIMER: If you find a posting or message from me
offensive, inappropriate, or disruptive, please ignore it.
If you dont know how to ignore a posting, complain to
me and I will be only too happy to demonstrate . . .
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. April 2006 @ 08:33 |
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Final Exam Fun
If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...
* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
* Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
* If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
* Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
* Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
* Bring cheerleaders.
* Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
* Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
* On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
* Bring pets.
* Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
* Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
* Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
* Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
* Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
* Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
* Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
* As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
* Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
* Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
* Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
* Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
* Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
* Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
* Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
* Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).
* Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
* Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
* Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
* Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
* Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
* Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
* From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
* Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
* If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
* Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
* Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
* Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
* When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
* After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
* One word: Wrestlemania.
* Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
* Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
* Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
* Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
* Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
* During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
* Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
* Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
* Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".
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