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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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rremdna
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10. July 2005 @ 16:42 |
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his face was drawn but the curtains were real
what kind of shite is this andmerr, thats not even funny you ..........
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andmerr
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10. July 2005 @ 17:05 |
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN RREM:
but maybe this will appease you:
FART DICTIONARY
THE ALARM FART. This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
THE AMPLIFIED FART. This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE BATHTUB FART. People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART. Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.
THE BURNING BRAKES FART. A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
THE CAR DOOR FART. Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
THE CELESTIAL FART. Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.
THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART. This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
THE CROWD FART. The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART. This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
(Thanks, Thrash!)
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Auslander
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10. July 2005 @ 17:16 |
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now that's disturbing...not just disturbing, as it's pretty funny and is a good way to classify farts, but it's still disturbing.
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andmerr
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10. July 2005 @ 17:27 |
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glad you liked it auslander, but the best farts are always the silent but deadly ones.
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Auslander
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10. July 2005 @ 17:32 |
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those are the only ones i ever try to let out :-)
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13. July 2005 @ 18:17 |
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This may be a bit off color, but I laughed my butt off when I saw it.
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ! ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping
trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They
entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the
couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch,
buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law.."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
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13. July 2005 @ 18:32 |
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lmao! off-color and disturbing, but nevertheless, hilarious!
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andmerr
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13. July 2005 @ 23:04 |
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nice gramps there's some hope for you yet.
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Auslander
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14. July 2005 @ 05:27 |
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senility can be a wonderful gift! j/k, bruce. you're a cool guy and you don't quite seem senile yet.
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andmerr
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14. July 2005 @ 11:21 |
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that was very profound auslander, you must be getting old with sayings like that.
hows lola these days>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.............
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Auslander
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14. July 2005 @ 12:25 |
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yupp, i'm getting up there in age...a few weeks, and i'll be 18...arg, i'm getting aches and pains already. :-P
lola's doin' great. she's as amazing as ever, if not more so.
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14. July 2005 @ 19:47 |
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Senelity is a gift, Auslander. I forget about the vast age difference of people in here, or I would not have posted the last joke. :) This a little less off color:
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes
the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take
the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over!"
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
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14. July 2005 @ 20:07 |
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now what's great is when a game like that summarizes your entire life :-)
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andmerr
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14. July 2005 @ 22:09 |
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she's as amazing as ever, if not more so.
i'm so jealous, how come i keep on getting lemons in my relationships
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Auslander
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15. July 2005 @ 04:12 |
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cuz there's only one lola :-) you'll find someone, but it won't be the lola XD
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andmerr
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15. July 2005 @ 11:52 |
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thats good auslander, have you ever considered changing your career and being a poet.Swooning your lady love etc etc etc.
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Auslander
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15. July 2005 @ 12:01 |
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full time job that it is, it doesn't really pay cash money, lol. so, i figure steal cars for maybe an hour a day, and spend the rest of my time proclaiming my love, eh? lol.
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regor
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15. July 2005 @ 19:44 |
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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I
could do from here."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
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15. July 2005 @ 19:45 |
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A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
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15. July 2005 @ 19:46 |
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A man & wife entered a dentist's office.
The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
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15. July 2005 @ 19:48 |
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the first one was sweet. the second one filled me with fears. the third one is marriage in a nutshell :-P good to see ya, regor.
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regor
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15. July 2005 @ 19:53 |
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hi there Auslander.... whatchu doing home, shouldn't you be out carousing?? with Lola, I mean??
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
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16. July 2005 @ 04:23 |
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our parents don't let either of us out of the house that late ;-P
but the lola is always on my mind... :-)
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andmerr
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16. July 2005 @ 04:41 |
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our parents don't let either of us out of the house that late
isnt it nice to have such old fashion parents with beliefs that they are trying to install in there children.
Good on them i say.
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Auslander
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16. July 2005 @ 05:12 |
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liberal i may be, i'm still a relatively traditional person and i do my best to see to my parents commands...with a typical response of, "yes, warden...i'll get right on that."
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