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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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porkroll
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2. August 2005 @ 09:14 |
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Kinda funny...
A nun, badly needing to use to the rest-room, walked into a local
Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go
out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw
the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
rest-room?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the
bartender showed the nun to the rest-room. After a few minutes she came
back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a
loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?"
"Well now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like
a drink?"
"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, would you like that drink?"
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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andmerr
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2. August 2005 @ 11:01 |
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thats awesome
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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2. August 2005 @ 11:12 |
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nuns, lol...they certainly get some weird reputations, eh? too bad that's not a true story!
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andmerr
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2. August 2005 @ 11:22 |
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it could be!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ddp
Moderator
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2. August 2005 @ 12:05 |
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yes as you never know!!!
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. August 2005 @ 15:00 |
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Courtesy of Waresoft;
Blonde in San Diego
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
" What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World".
Who said blondes were dumb....?
Pulsar
Gif by Phantom69
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porkroll
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2. August 2005 @ 19:53 |
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Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.He
thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he
has a better education.He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO
STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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2. August 2005 @ 19:56 |
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i know cops that would do that...
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porkroll
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2. August 2005 @ 20:30 |
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The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch
was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my pantyhose." He removed them gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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2. August 2005 @ 20:39 |
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sounds like something Neph would do... :-P
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andmerr
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2. August 2005 @ 23:21 |
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Cats in Physics
1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. August 2005 @ 23:31 |
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I much prefer cats to dogs. Dogs smell & are stupid. Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Pulsar
Gif by Phantom69
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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3. August 2005 @ 04:18 |
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dogs for me. that's all i'm saying.
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regor
Senior Member
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4. August 2005 @ 18:08 |
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I'm dog tired, does that count?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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porkroll
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4. August 2005 @ 18:19 |
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3 men walk into a bar...
the 4th one ducked?
Is.. uh... that... funny?
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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regor
Senior Member
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4. August 2005 @ 18:21 |
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This pretty blonde is driving south on an interstate highway, swerving a little from time to time (not bad but nonetheless enough to catch attention). A highway patrol notices this and follows the car for a mile or so before he turns on his flashing lights. The blonde, somehow unaware, just keeps driving. The highway patrol changes lanes and speeds up to parallel the vehicle but notices with surprise that the blonde is knitting a sweater - hands still maneuvering the steering wheel while sytematically knitting one stitch right after the other....
The highway patrol briefly sounds his siren to get the blondes attention.
The blonde looks to her left.
The highway patrol yells loudly through his open passenger side window... "pull over!"
The blond replies... "no, cardigan!"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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4. August 2005 @ 19:42 |
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Quote:
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, would you like that drink?"
She probably, the nun that is, thought it was Peter!
<smiles>
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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porkroll
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4. August 2005 @ 19:49 |
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OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Like that one Regor.
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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porkroll
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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5. August 2005 @ 06:38 |
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Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him:
"Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go ..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet ..."
Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy![img]"http://putfile.com/pic.php?pic=7/21020013023.jpg&s=x1 border=0>
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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5. August 2005 @ 11:11 |
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sounds like more like Dr. DDP, don't you think? :D lol, j/k with ya, ol' master tech-ai!
anyhoo, good one, porkroll...just read it to another dude here at m'jarb. it's a hoot :-P
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Senior Member
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5. August 2005 @ 12:07 |
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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for making love to his wife.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin' Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed!" to which Little Johnny replied, "So what ya gonna do, f*** him?"
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Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead. When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure they knew just about everything. Arriving at class the next morning, each boy was told to go to a separate classroom to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to different parts of the building. As each sat down they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point they both thought this was going to be a piece of cake and answered the question with ease. The test continued.... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."
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A young man parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding away.
More than a little distraught the man grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions the man starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll never be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant the policeman shakes his head in disgust, "I can't believe how bloody materialistic young people are these days," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the man.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The man looks down in absolute horror, "F***ING HELL," he screams. "Where's my Rolex?"
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man looks down at the watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. While they are there the mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home for $5000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy thinks for a while and then says, "We'll ship her home."
"Are you sure?" the undertaker asks. "That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
!!thecraigc!!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 6. August 2005 @ 09:20
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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5. August 2005 @ 14:09 |
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craig, you're a member...you should know that the F-word is a no-no. go back and edit it out.
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regor
Senior Member
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6. August 2005 @ 22:00 |
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FIVE SECRETS of a Perfect Relationship:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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6. August 2005 @ 22:16 |
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This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.
We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."
After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."
And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.
We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.
Came to talk about the draft.
They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."
And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"
And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.
"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")
I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."
And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.
And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.
With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.
So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.
We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.
All right now.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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6. August 2005 @ 22:50 |
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regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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