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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
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26. August 2005 @ 08:10 |
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... The we should force him to take a urine test ... He's probably smoking that killer BC bud ...
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regor
Senior Member
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26. August 2005 @ 20:29 |
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what did she bend over to pick up, again? I forget.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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26. August 2005 @ 20:40 |
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maybe she just felt like it
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. August 2005 @ 10:57 |
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Courtesy of Waresoft....
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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27. August 2005 @ 11:01 |
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heard it before, but it's still funny! lol
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. August 2005 @ 11:03 |
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Oh crap, sorry 'bout that!
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. August 2005 @ 11:03 |
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Goddamm server lag!!
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 27. August 2005 @ 11:17
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ddp
Moderator
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27. August 2005 @ 11:31 |
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but still good!! 1 question tho, what happened to the original cop??
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. August 2005 @ 12:32 |
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Who cares? As long as he isn't harrassing innocent motorists! LOL!
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regor
Senior Member
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27. August 2005 @ 20:45 |
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the soap, maybe?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 27. August 2005 @ 20:46
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romero
Senior Member
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28. August 2005 @ 14:43 |
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How do you recognize russian-made ass vibrator?
It doesn't fit in the ass and doesn't vibrate.
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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28. August 2005 @ 17:55 |
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^now, to counter that, a line from Family Guy (or the Simpsons..i forget):
stupid family leader: "hey guys, check out my new car...the gps speaks 6 different languages.
car: *various multilingual gibberish->thick russian accent* In Russia, car drives you.
wtf? mwahahah!
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regor
Senior Member
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28. August 2005 @ 18:37 |
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the soap, maybe?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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28. August 2005 @ 19:46 |
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WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A NAME.
HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED. IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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ddp
Moderator
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28. August 2005 @ 20:09 |
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sh*t disturber!!
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regor
Senior Member
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28. August 2005 @ 20:27 |
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twasn't me ddp, some retired foghead... I'm not retired yet, but I am a foghead :)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:16 |
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what do you get when you cross a monkey with a rhino?
a mess.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:19 |
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A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:20 |
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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:21 |
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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:25 |
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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regor
Senior Member
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29. August 2005 @ 20:28 |
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Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.
Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow...
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Senior Member
3 product reviews
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29. August 2005 @ 22:27 |
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here are a coupla lames and funnies:
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There were two sausages frying in a pan,
one of them said to the other 'its a hot day today'
the other said back,
holey crap its a talking sausage....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH<!>
Okay that joke sucked balls, heres another.
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Little Johnny's class had a new teacher,
this teacher wanted to try out her new psychology course on the class,
so she said to the class 'everyone who thinks they are stupdi stand up'
after a couple of moments little johnny stood up,
the teacher said 'do you think you are stupid little johnny <?>'
little johnny replied 'no miss, but i hate to see you standing there by yourself'
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Little Johnnys class took a field trip to the local police station,
on the wall there were pictures of some WANTED people,
one of the kids asked the policeman 'are these people wanted'
the policeman replied 'yes we have been chasing them for a long time'
little johnny speaks up and says 'why the f*ck didn't you keep them when you took their picture'
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Two priests were walking to the shower, naked, as there were supposably no nuns around...
one said to the other 'you forgot the soap'
so the priest (thinking there were no nuns) started back to get the soap, naked...
as the priest was coming back from the place of residence with 2 bars of soap, three nuns walked out...
the priest stood in the middle of a statue ground and the nuns walked up and thought he was a statue 'well look this statue looks so real'...
as the nun was feeling the priest (unkowingly), she wound up feeling down south...
as she touched, the priest dropped a bar of soap,
the nun said 'oh<!> its a soap dispenser'
the next nun came and pulled the YOU KNOW WHAT,
the next bar of soap dropped...
the third nun came and pulled, but no soap,
so the nun kep pulling and pulling finaly saying 'oh look hand-cream'
IF THIS JOKE OFFENDS ANYONE IT IS NOT INTENTIONAL, AND PLEASE DO FORGIVE ME AND DONT WRITE A OFFENSIVE POST SO THIS THREAD IS CLOSED BUT RATHER PM ME AND I WILL REMOVE IT
"Its so hard to try to be different..."-Apocalypse Hoboken
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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30. August 2005 @ 01:01 |
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thats fine, i still thought they were funny though.(the soap dispenser.....lol)
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Senior Member
3 product reviews
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30. August 2005 @ 01:32 |
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its nice to know you can make someon lauph, but that sausage joke was pretty lame...
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heres another lamey:
what did batman say to robin when he wasn't in the Bat Mobile <?..?>
=> 'Get in Robin'
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pretty funny eh <!..!>
"Its so hard to try to be different..."-Apocalypse Hoboken
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