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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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regor
Senior Member
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6. September 2005 @ 18:25 |
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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regor
Senior Member
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6. September 2005 @ 18:27 |
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A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down, the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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ddp
Moderator
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6. September 2005 @ 18:27 |
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busted!!!
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regor
Senior Member
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6. September 2005 @ 18:30 |
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The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer
Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew
William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then
said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all
the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work
place and the police were entering the building to take him into
custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 6. September 2005 @ 18:31
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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6. September 2005 @ 19:07 |
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revenge: a dish best served sub-lukewarm :D
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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8. September 2005 @ 11:48 |
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yes its friday freaky i actually got this one in early or on time:
Tongue-Twister
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
The boot black bought the black boot back.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Six sharp smart sharks.
What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show.
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes.
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regor
Senior Member
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8. September 2005 @ 19:42 |
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bee billy oaten doaten bee bop bo ditton dotten bee bop bo ditton dotten ditten dotten shoo
that's all I have to say about that!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 8. September 2005 @ 19:57
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AfterDawn Addict
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9. September 2005 @ 19:27 |
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Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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regor
Senior Member
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9. September 2005 @ 19:43 |
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very!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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10. September 2005 @ 17:59 |
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methoughts that was pretty funny...wrong species, but i'm the guy in the bottom, right hand corner XD
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Moderator
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11. September 2005 @ 15:58 |
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HAHAHAHA lol lmfao!!!
oh my days haven't had a laugh like that in ages!! i like the last three the best!
btw auslander scaled the pic dwn to 15kb for u hillbillies and erm narrowbanders! ;)
lethal
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 11. September 2005 @ 16:04
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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11. September 2005 @ 16:07 |
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glad i made someone laugh! lol, i was beginning to think i killed the thread!
btw, love the new sig pic. it rocks. :D
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12. September 2005 @ 09:21 |
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How to pass an immigration test in the United States...
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America.
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in America and works for Dell in Customer Service.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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12. September 2005 @ 10:13 |
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Dell and Gateway would have both worked well, lol
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AfterDawn Addict
6 product reviews
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12. September 2005 @ 10:34 |
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Thats a good one Grandpa and unfortunately too true. They also work for the phone company's in customer support.
Rig #1 Asus Rampage Formula Mobo, Intel Core2Quad Q9450 CPU @ 3.55ghz, 2gb Corsair DDR2 1066 Dominator Ram @ 5-5-5-15, TR Ultra 120 Extreme w/ Scythe 9 blade 110 cfm 120mm Fan HSF, HIS Radeon 512mb HD3850 IceQ TurboX GPU, Corsair 620HX P/S, CM Stacker 830 Evo Case, Rig #2 Asus P5W DH Deluxe Mobo, Intel C2D E6600 CPU @ 3.6ghz, 2gb Corsair XMS2 DDR2 800 Ram @ 4-4-4-12-2t, Zalman CNPS9500LED HSF, Sapphire Radeon X850XT PE GPU, Corsair 620HX P/S, Cooler Master Mystique Case, Viewsonic 20.1" Widescreen Digital LCD Monitor, Klipsch Promedia Ultra 5.1 THX Desktop Speakers, http://valid.x86-secret.com/show_oc.php?id=348351 http://valid.x86-secret.com/show_oc.php?id=236435 |
Member
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15. September 2005 @ 10:11 |
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Cyber Sex Attempts
Written by Juan "generic nickname" Treminio
Wednesday, 11 June 2003
Bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
Bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
Bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
Bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
Bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
Bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
Bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
Bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
Bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
Bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
Bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
Bloodninja: Baby?
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Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.
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murph_304: hi
murph_304: there
bIond_n_a_vette: hi ya stud
murph_304: hows your cat
bIond_n_a_vette: hungry for your manhood
murph_304: so how did you afford to get a vette..??
bIond_n_a_vette: i worked a lot of hours on my back, want ride me?
bIond_n_a_vette: i am more fun to ride in than my vette
murph_304: Hmmmmm, really?
bIond_n_a_vette: yes
murph_304: how old are you.?
bIond_n_a_vette: 23
murph_304: and what do you look like..??
bIond_n_a_vette: blond, with big tits
murph_304: where are you from..
bIond_n_a_vette: houston
murph_304: damn, a long way away.... but i wish i was there........
bIond_n_a_vette: want to have sex over the phone?
murph_304: it will cost a fortune............
bIond_n_a_vette: ill call you then
bIond_n_a_vette: whats your number?
murph_304: but i'm from sydney, australia
murph_304: not even in the us
bIond_n_a_vette: i dont care, i want to hear your manly voice
murph_304: i cant at the moment...... but add me to your friends list and maybe we can later..
bIond_n_a_vette: its now or never
murph_304: Whats your name anyway
bIond_n_a_vette: Ralph
murph_304: Ralph..????????/
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J-Dogg: You there baby??
Partner2: Yeah I'm here.
J-Dogg: You ready?
Partner2: Okay.
J-Dogg: I take off my trenchcoat I'm nekked beneath, with pistols on my belt.
Partner2: Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg: WWI era trench issue boots.
Partner2: okay...
J-Dogg: Help me pull my boots off baby.
Partner2: Whats that smell?
J-Dogg: Rotting toes.
Partner2: Ummm...
J-Dogg: My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and shove my tongue down your throat.
Partner2: ...
J-Dogg: You carress my ass, and trim my pubes...
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QT-Pie: Hey
Jdogg: whats goin on
QT-Pie: Nothing. Who are you?
Jdogg: Jdogg. Wanna cyber?
QT-Pie: what does that mean?
Jdogg: what are you wearing?
QT-Pie: T-shirt. Jeans.
Jdogg: Garter belt?
QT-Pie: Ummm...no.
Jdogg: Are we gonna cyber or not?
QT-Pie: uh, okay.
Jdogg: Sweet, I start by rubbing your ass all around. You love this.
Jdogg: You're wet already. I can smell your stink from here.
QT-Pie: WHAT?!
Jdogg: I execute standing position 12 from the Kama Sutra. Passion fills the room. Your head is close to the ceiling fan.
Jdogg: You leave everything to jdogg.
Jdogg: I am completely inside of you. You are my d!&k puppet. I put on a little play.
QT-Pie: This is weird. I should go.
Jdogg: I drop you on the ground, and lay a stripe down your back.
QT-Pie: A stripe?
Jdogg: I need a sandwich.
QT-Pie: You're a freak.
Jdogg: I was great. You loved it.
--------------------------------------------------
Mandy4u26: Yeah I'm here.
J-Dogg: You ready?
Mandy4u26: Okay.
J-Dogg: I take off my trenchcoat I'm nekked beneath, with pistols on my belt.
Mandy4u26: Cowboy boots?
J-Dogg: WWI era trench issue boots.
Mandy4u26: okay...
J-Dogg: Help me pull my boots off baby.
Mandy4u26: Whats that smell?
J-Dogg: Rotting toes.
Mandy4u26: Ummm...
J-Dogg: My boots pop off. My feet are black. The toes crumble off with the slightest touch. The dead black tissue that was once my skin chips off in large crispy flakes. A smell of death pervades the room. Gangrenous pus drips from the ends of the stumps where my toes were. I look deep in your eyes, and shove my tongue down your throat.
Mandy4u26: ...
J-Dogg: You carress my ass, and trim my pubes...
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. September 2005 @ 13:32
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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15. September 2005 @ 12:49 |
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wow, retro...that's some seriously messed up stuff! XD
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Member
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15. September 2005 @ 13:05 |
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hmmm aus, nou that you mention it, seems you have a point there, i kinda put it on without to much thought.
If you think this is too....funky, i'll remove the post !!!
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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15. September 2005 @ 13:08 |
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you might want to remove some of the profanity. other than that, i think you could keep it :D
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Cordelia
Newbie
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15. September 2005 @ 15:40 |
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Pet Fish In KY
Who is the smartest?
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Yeah! Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood! and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Kentucky may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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15. September 2005 @ 19:07 |
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hehehe...and that game warden went on to run against Al Gore in a national election and become president of the united states.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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15. September 2005 @ 21:30 |
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Quote:
hmmm aus, nou that you mention it, seems you have a point there, i kinda put it on without to much thought.
If you think this is too....funky, i'll remove the post !!!
actually i quite liked it, very funny.The aim of this thread was to promote humor in all its forms.People know that your post was a joke, so i wasnt offended by some of the off colour humor.Leave it as it was or are you being prudish there auslander(suggesting he edit it).Mayhap we could ask drawlings for her response as she indicated that kinky stuff from a previous post might be her domain.I bet she has a chuckle at retros post or at least go a fine shade of red.
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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16. September 2005 @ 03:30 |
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lmao...it was loaded with curse words, andy...the rest i was fine with XD
oh, i think the mighty lola would turn red, all right, lol.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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16. September 2005 @ 03:48 |
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where is the mighty lola
is she not putting in an appearence just yet?
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16. September 2005 @ 13:52 |
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By the time Bob pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler replied, "I'll take it."
The next morning Bob came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, no problem at all" said Bob. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed snoring away when I came in the room", Bob explained. I went over to him, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, "Goodnight, beautiful,". He sat up the rest of the night watching me."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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