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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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andmerr
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11. November 2005 @ 17:19 |
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gee we actually got to page 33
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. November 2005 @ 01:56 |
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Courtesy of Waresoft: Some of these are spot on!....
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player
and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on t he left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates, damn it!
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This is my favourite..
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in t he supermarket.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working an ymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you u se?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
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And last but not least:....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Gif by Phantom69
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andmerr
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17. November 2005 @ 09:32 |
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pity he didnt "p" on his keyboard............lol
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ddp
Moderator
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17. November 2005 @ 11:13 |
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sizzle, sizzle, sizzle!!!!!
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. November 2005 @ 22:49 |
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Good one Pulsar. Andmerr, when are you gonna post your weekly funnies?
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andmerr
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17. November 2005 @ 22:53 |
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ask and you will recieve:
Little boy visits whorehouse
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There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
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andmerr
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17. November 2005 @ 22:56 |
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Perfect Day
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The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep
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andmerr
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17. November 2005 @ 22:57 |
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Crowded Subway
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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2005 @ 19:35 |
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then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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18. November 2005 @ 19:39 |
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regor give me a joke, or is 'then what happened?' it!!!!!!!!!!
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2005 @ 19:42 |
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oh andmerr... that is the joke! :)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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18. November 2005 @ 19:46 |
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thats the best one i've seen in a long time my friend.My hats off to you.
later (see you next friday)
andmerr
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2005 @ 19:48 |
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he he :) you are a funny one!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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18. November 2005 @ 19:51 |
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i was dazzled by the simpilicity of such a thought out joke.You really are brilliant
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2005 @ 19:54 |
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well, I get that from my dad's side of the family.
and you could ask...
then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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18. November 2005 @ 19:58 |
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what happened then????????????????????????..............lol
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2005 @ 20:00 |
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hatched! <grin>
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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18. November 2005 @ 20:02 |
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i got a chuckle, thanks
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regor
Senior Member
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19. November 2005 @ 16:05 |
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if only I was half cow :)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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19. November 2005 @ 17:43 |
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as opposed to auslanders 1/2 wolf
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regor
Senior Member
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19. November 2005 @ 19:16 |
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Moo!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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19. November 2005 @ 19:21 |
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Women stop in cemetery to pee
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. November 2005 @ 12:15 |
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's
Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas
party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 22. November 2005 @ 12:17
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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22. November 2005 @ 17:39 |
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omhfg...that's hilarious!!! did you interview my neighbors or something, bruce? :-P
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. November 2005 @ 18:09 |
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No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There
was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant
Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to
be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just
serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of
action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a
lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up
a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to
chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I
mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little
extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only
2130 now."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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