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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
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22. November 2005 @ 18:10 |
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LOL Auslander. I believe that I did. :)
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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22. November 2005 @ 18:17 |
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your stories are straight out of the Hillsboro Times, lol XD
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. November 2005 @ 13:22 |
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,
a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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23. November 2005 @ 16:41 |
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again i can relate. not only must that insurance company be in business with mine (or one and the same), but that old man is my gramps! :-P
keep'em comin', bruce, or i'll have to read the local paper to find the same stuff XD
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. November 2005 @ 16:41
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regor
Senior Member
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23. November 2005 @ 19:13 |
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Quote:
as opposed to auslanders 1/2 wolf
I'm not certain now... Auslander has refrained (or is it restrained?) from response to my "half cow" witicizm. My my my aren't we sensitive? :)
Gosh!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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23. November 2005 @ 22:04 |
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Witnessing the miracle
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Call in sick joke
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Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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24. November 2005 @ 08:53 |
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regor, if you were half cow, i'd have to eat half of you :D
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ddp
Moderator
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24. November 2005 @ 13:33 |
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& let the coydogs eat the other half!!!
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Moderator
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24. November 2005 @ 13:39 |
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andmerr, I absolutely love that seond one, had me in stitches! XD
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regor
Senior Member
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24. November 2005 @ 19:12 |
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a yuk yuk yuk... you guys think you are so smart, auslander and ddp.... this is what your coydog would look like after i got hold of him.... i'd make mince meat out of that coydog!
You two don't take me serious, eh? well they wrote a ballad 'bout me, they did:
I am half cow, hear me roar
I'm just too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am half cow
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
CHORUS
I am half cow watch me grow
See me standing hoof to hoof
As I spread my lovin' hooves across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make auslander and ddp understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am half cow
Oh, I am half cow
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am half cow
I am invincible
I am strong
I am half cow
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. November 2005 @ 19:45
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ddp
Moderator
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24. November 2005 @ 19:44 |
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isn't that george, the world's ugliest dog that just died this past week? do you know what a coydog is & what they do to sheep??
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regor
Senior Member
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24. November 2005 @ 19:49 |
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i didn't mean to kill him, really! i merely wanted to make mince meat out of that coydog!
and no... i am not into sheep. i am half cow, remember? <grin>
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. November 2005 @ 19:51
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regor
Senior Member
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24. November 2005 @ 19:54 |
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and where is Nephilim during all this fun? he's probably into sheep!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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24. November 2005 @ 19:55 |
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sorry if this offends any one except you auslander /regor /ddp and creaky.
Birds and Bees
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
?Mother, where do babies come from??
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, ?Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.?
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, ?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey.? The child seems to comprehend.
?Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that??
?Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.?
The Foul Mouthed Parrot
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Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
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Auslander
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25. November 2005 @ 06:57 |
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whatever happened to baabaa? :-P
andy, you're great. the Birds and Bees one has been posted several times now, but the other hasn't :-P
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ddp
Moderator
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25. November 2005 @ 07:29 |
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i was wondering were baabaa was too!!
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andmerr
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25. November 2005 @ 07:30 |
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why not pm to see where he is?
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ddp
Moderator
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25. November 2005 @ 07:41 |
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auslander, pm baabaa to see what the sheepies are doing!
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andmerr
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25. November 2005 @ 08:17 |
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well auslander buddy, i havent seen you post a joke in the last 3 pages isnt it time you attempted it.lol
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Auslander
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25. November 2005 @ 09:12 |
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i pm'ed baabaa a while back, but no word.
okay, a joke, eh? hmm...well, there once was a man from Nantucket...wait, i don't remember how that went. umm..yeah :-P
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AfterDawn Addict
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25. November 2005 @ 12:34 |
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I am posting this one as Auslander's proxy: (It may have been posted before, though. :) )
New Bird
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A lady went into the pet store to buy a bird.
Immediately upon entering, she saw a bird cage in the middle of the
isle, all ready to take home.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she
asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff!"
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought"
that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls.
The girls and the woman were taken back, but then began to laugh about the comment considering where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith".
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
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26. November 2005 @ 06:10 |
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hahaha...ah, bruce, that was great. could only have been better if it had said, "hi ddp!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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26. November 2005 @ 08:31 |
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:)
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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andmerr
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26. November 2005 @ 09:56 |
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yeah it was good bruce
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ddp
Moderator
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26. November 2005 @ 11:51 |
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why ddp, why not auslander??!!
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