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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
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30. December 2005 @ 19:08 |
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THE HILLBILLIES WIVES
Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"
The others laugh. Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothin', my wife's dumber than that! She went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered."
They all laughed and laughed. He went on, "Why nobody around here has plumbing!"
The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my womans got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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30. December 2005 @ 19:17 |
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THE MARATHON
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
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AfterDawn Addict
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3. January 2006 @ 11:52 |
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A True Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and
after eating, the wives left the table and went into the
kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...
the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?"
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Cordelia
Newbie
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6. January 2006 @ 13:18 |
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Jewish Definitions---
Putz: The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws.
Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners.
Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel.
Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think?
Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely.
Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch."
Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh.
Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving.
Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling his soup.
Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on.
Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.
Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache.
Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job and moves back home.
Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too.
Kin-a-hora: A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe laborer.
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AfterDawn Addict
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6. January 2006 @ 13:50 |
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Seems a hell of a lot of Jewish terms are derogatory to men!
Glad I am not a Jewish man. I like my bits intact! (Looks down happily!)
Gif by Phantom69
 This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 6. January 2006 @ 13:51
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Moderator
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6. January 2006 @ 13:55 |
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Quote:
Glad I am not a Jewish man. I like my bits intact! (Looks down happily!)
Word
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Cordelia
Newbie
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6. January 2006 @ 14:15 |
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Is this more to Pulsar's liking?
Subject: Jewish Tradition
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE
Question 1) How do you know when you are at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The mother of the bride is pregnant.
Question 2) How do you know when you are at a Conservative Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The bride is pregnant.
Question 3) How do you know when you are at a Reform Jewish Wedding?
Answer. The rabbi is pregnant.
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AfterDawn Addict
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6. January 2006 @ 14:19 |
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OK, I got the last one, but not the other 2!
Still looking down to make sure,
smiles contently!
Ahhhhh!!!!
Gif by Phantom69
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AfterDawn Addict
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6. January 2006 @ 14:25 |
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A local feature in my area is Malham Cove. It was a waterfall the same height as Niagara falls a few hundred thousand years ago. Now it is just a cliff. Anyways, a friend of mine was there, in front of him & his girlfriend was a school party of Jewish children.
One of the children asked "How high is it?", my friend replied, well within earshot & deliberately loud, "365 feet, but to you 360".
I nearly lost control of my bodily functions laughing!
Gif by Phantom69
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Cordelia
Newbie
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6. January 2006 @ 14:30 |
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Now I don't get it. Guess I'm in the wrong thread.
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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6. January 2006 @ 20:40 |
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What's The Difference?
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What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker stops screwing you after you're dead.
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AfterDawn Addict
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6. January 2006 @ 23:56 |
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lol, good to hear from you again andy
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andmerr
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7. January 2006 @ 03:30 |
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been busy among those things theres work, work more work AD and BB , even found another couple of sites that interest me as well
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regor
Senior Member
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8. January 2006 @ 19:06 |
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Pulsar, please edit out all of that crap, it is screwing up the page.
:)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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rundata
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12. January 2006 @ 11:53 |
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i like the pope the pope smokes dope.
untrue but it rhymes!
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AfterDawn Addict
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13. January 2006 @ 15:12 |
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DON'T MESS WITH THE COOK
In the Bundeswehr (West German Army), a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.
After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways.
The cook heard them out, then said, "You are going to stop sh@tting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pi@@ing in your coffee."
Logged
andmerr
I changed it,as if i have time to read them all..
i am sure there might be other doubles.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 13. January 2006 @ 16:41
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andmerr
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13. January 2006 @ 16:05 |
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Quote:
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
think if you read the last 40 pages you would of seen this one already mentioned with a lot of others..............lol
but funny still the bsame
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colw
Senior Member
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16. January 2006 @ 01:24 |
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Updates from around Europe:
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.
The Italians have increased their alert level from "shouting excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Finally in the UK we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "chin-up" and "remain cheerful".
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colw
Senior Member
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16. January 2006 @ 01:26 |
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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
Nope, no more booze for me, I have clearly had enough
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I dont think its appropriate for us to take off our clothes here
I'm not interested in fighting you, violence is not the answer
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero
co-ordination.
Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest
cash machine or shop front.
No kebab for me, thank you
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 16. January 2006 @ 01:28
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andmerr
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16. January 2006 @ 23:14 |
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Polar Bear
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A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?
The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 03:48 |
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Same old andmerr
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AfterDawn Addict
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17. January 2006 @ 15:54 |
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LOLLOL Andmerr!!!!!!
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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17. January 2006 @ 18:48 |
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The Dogs
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. January 2006 @ 04:04 |
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Evil Genius = Andmerr
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Senior Member
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18. January 2006 @ 05:59 |
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The 1000th post
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