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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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Senior Member
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16. February 2006 @ 08:33 |
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..and then what happened, lol. Andy excellent as always. Been reading faithfully for a long time but now I've decided to get my feet wet so here goes. Hopefully they weren't posted before.
Legal Despute
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
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Spelling checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. February 2006 @ 23:24 |
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HARD BEING A FATHER
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
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andmerr
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17. February 2006 @ 00:30 |
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@ Jamzbond : with a little practice you could be a 1st rate comedian.................................hahaha
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Senior Member
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17. February 2006 @ 04:35 |
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...suddenly I see the sun come out and I'm all warm and fuzzy :). Seriously though, coming from you that's a great compliment. Thx Andy and cheers.
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regor
Senior Member
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19. February 2006 @ 19:24 |
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then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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24. February 2006 @ 08:13 |
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The Peanut .......
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him
a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing
it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after
hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to
the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded
to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of
his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied
"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
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andmerr
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24. February 2006 @ 08:18 |
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Breaking up
A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
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24. February 2006 @ 09:04 |
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Classic...
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. February 2006 @ 09:10 |
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Politically Correct Statements
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. February 2006 @ 09:16 |
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This might be old, but just in case that not Everybody knows what Anybody should know about Somebody and Nobody:
It is about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. February 2006 @ 09:16
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. February 2006 @ 10:26 |
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Voted Best Joke of the Year in Scotland:
Angus walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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24. February 2006 @ 11:22 |
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Rodney's One-Liners
1. I was so poor growing up .. if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I
went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you jogging like that?"
He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd
get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know, but your eye sight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. Last night he went on the paper four times -
three times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. February 2006 @ 11:29 |
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LOCOENG,
...911, I'm killing myself laughing...Pls, HELP!LOL! Rodney is too funny!
 Piss me off, and I Will ignore You!This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. February 2006 @ 11:50
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Moderator
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24. February 2006 @ 11:36 |
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Some guys really know how to treat a woman.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust
of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why
aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well,
you don't give me enough
housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. The Englishman
immediately reaches into his
pocket and says, " For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds . Go
and buy yourself some
underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to
show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!
You've no knickers.
Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give
me." He reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds . Go
and buy yourself some
underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal
that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer
drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be
able ta affarrd any." The
Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jasus, 'n the sake of
decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
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Moderator
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24. February 2006 @ 11:37 |
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a
date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief
among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a
rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The
other eight are unimportant." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no
matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First
Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of
humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin
Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting
that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show
me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and
natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until
you get older. Little things like being spanked every
day by a middle-aged woman Stuff you pay good money
for in later life." Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the
same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married." George Burns
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regor
Senior Member
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24. February 2006 @ 19:56 |
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@ LOCOENG - U R killing me laughing out loud...
Quote:
here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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24. February 2006 @ 20:22 |
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hey regor where are your pics i dont see them
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Moderator
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25. February 2006 @ 07:57 |
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I have a little laugh for you guys.
Open Google search ( http://www.google.com )
Then type in
"French Military Victories", and click I'm Feeling Lucky
:-D
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AfterDawn Addict
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25. February 2006 @ 08:25 |
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Lethal.
That was waay too funny man! LOL!
Piss me off, and I Will ignore You!
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AfterDawn Addict
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25. February 2006 @ 08:34 |
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Nice!!
Gif by Phantom69
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regor
Senior Member
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25. February 2006 @ 18:49 |
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@ andmerr .... why I don't know, andmerr, I see 'em
Quote:
hey regor where are your pics i dont see them
anyone else not seeing 'em?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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25. February 2006 @ 18:54 |
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@regor
anyone else not seeing 'em?
Not a thing!! Just 2 tiny red Xs!
Piss me off, and I Will ignore You!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 25. February 2006 @ 18:54
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regor
Senior Member
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25. February 2006 @ 19:27 |
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fixy now? me thinks so... else the little red X's aren't that bad, eh?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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25. February 2006 @ 20:12 |
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The red Xs are still rather sexy, yammm! At least from my view!
No, missa no see pictura yeta!
Piss me off, and I Will ignore You!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 25. February 2006 @ 20:14
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AfterDawn Addict
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26. February 2006 @ 03:50 |
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the biggest laugh of them all.and its only sunday
DRM - a load of CRAP,
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 26. February 2006 @ 04:47
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