|
|
|
GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
|
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
20. December 2005 @ 17:39 |
Link to this message
|
|
Honest, I didn't kill him. LOLLOL
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
|
|
Advertisement
|
|
|
|
|
regor
Senior Member
|
20. December 2005 @ 18:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the &g t; mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
AfterDawn Addict
|
20. December 2005 @ 19:03 |
Link to this message
|
per eyeball:
1 radish
1 pimiento stuffed green olive
per drink:
1 shot gin or vodka
1/4 shot dry vermouth (more or less to taste)
Prepare ice "eyeballs" at least a day before your plan to use them. Peel radishes, leaving thin streaks of red skin on to represent blood vessels. Using the tip of the vegetable peeler or a small, knife, carefully scoop out a small hole in each radish, roughly the size of an olive. Stuff a green olive, pimiento side out, in each hole. Place 1 radish eyeball in each section of an empty ice cube tray. Pare the radishes down a bit to fit, if necessarry. Fill the tray with water and freeze overnight.
To make drink, fill a tall cocktail glass with 3-4 eyeball ice cubes, add ingredients in the order given. Shake or stir, as is your preference.
 
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 20. December 2005 @ 19:04
|
|
andmerr
Suspended permanently
|
20. December 2005 @ 20:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
thanks bruce you just spoiled xmas........i was a believer but no more........
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
21. December 2005 @ 03:37 |
Link to this message
|
|
Great festive funnies everyone
|
|
gerry1
Suspended permanently
|
21. December 2005 @ 03:50 |
Link to this message
|
|
@Ireland: Those ice eyeballs were awesome. I'll have to try it next time I have the right crowd over.
|
|
regor
Senior Member
|
21. December 2005 @ 06:03 |
Link to this message
|
|
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat!
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
AfterDawn Addict
|
21. December 2005 @ 06:27 |
Link to this message
|
|
i couldn't resist : its friday funnies
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
21. December 2005 @ 06:44 |
Link to this message
|
|
Compare The Genders
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
|
Member
|
21. December 2005 @ 13:18 |
Link to this message
|
Ok here's something funny, atleast i find it funny, but hey , i know many people take cooking very seriously. lol
ok here its is : cookingcourse " how to bake your own computer" ; Ginger bread pc
http://ueba.com.br/html/Gingerbread_PC?1
have a laugh yall \(^_^)/
greetzzz
retro
|
|
regor
Senior Member
|
22. December 2005 @ 18:56 |
Link to this message
|
|
then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
|
andmerr
Suspended permanently
|
22. December 2005 @ 21:31 |
Link to this message
|
|
Grilling Remarks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Lifetime Savings
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4
God's Gifts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It?s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."
Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I?d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It?d be so great. When I?m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It?d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."
Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn?t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.
"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What?s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:02 |
Link to this message
|
|
Keep em coming andy
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:12 |
Link to this message
|
|
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy t@ts, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like s@@t!" said the boy.
"Oh, s@@t!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:16 |
Link to this message
|
|
THE SCUBA ACCIDENT
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:18 |
Link to this message
|
|
3 deer hunters
Three men go deer hunting, two are smart, and one is dumb. The first smart one goes out and 2 hours later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it, and he said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer."
So the other smart one goes out, and 1 hour later he comes back with a deer. They ask how he did it. He said " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer."
So the dumb hunter goes out, and 2 hours later, he comes back beaten and bruised. The other 2 asked what happened. He said "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:21 |
Link to this message
|
|
The Irish Love Their Beer
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B@@TARD!!!"
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 07:25 |
Link to this message
|
|
Irish Bank Robbery
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 09:06 |
Link to this message
|
|
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 09:07 |
Link to this message
|
|
You might be a redneck if...
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 09:09 |
Link to this message
|
|
You might be a redneck if...
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
|
AfterDawn Addict
|
23. December 2005 @ 09:15 |
Link to this message
|
|
You might be a redneck if...
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You might be a redneck if...
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
You might be a redneck if...
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You might be a redneck if...
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
|
Member
|
23. December 2005 @ 09:20 |
Link to this message
|
|
@ ireland -> Dude thats not rite :( (bank robery one)
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. December 2005 @ 09:21
|
|
regor
Senior Member
|
25. December 2005 @ 18:49 |
Link to this message
|
|
A man walks up to the grocery checkout line and starts putting his grocery itmes on the counter.
While waiting in line he looks at the lady standing in front of him and then glances to the counter to check what items she is purchasing - milk, eggs, whole wheat bread, margarine, apples, pears, Cosmopolitan, hair spray, body lotion and eye liner.
He then says to the lady "single, right?"
She hesitates for a moment and then reluctantly replies "yes; you determined that from looking at the grocery items I was buying?"
The man says to the lady "no, you're ugly!"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
|
Advertisement
|
|
|
|
ddp
Moderator
|
30. December 2005 @ 19:03 |
Link to this message
|
|
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy . 11. A blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car , runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, " Hi , my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load ! "
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light , the girl catches up again . She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again , the trucker lowers the window . As if they've never spoken , the blonde says brightly , " Hi , my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load ! "
Shaking his head , the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street . At the third red light , the same thing happens again . All out of breath , the blonde gets out of her car , runs up , knocks on the truck door The trucker lowers the window . Again she says , " Hi , my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load ! "
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light . When he stops this time , he hurriedly gets out of the truck , and runs back to the blonde . He knocks on her window , and as she lowers it , he says , " Hi , my name is Kevin , it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the FUCKING SALT TRUCK ! !
|
|
