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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
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13. September 2008 @ 01:43 |
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1919 poster
If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came
upon the following poster.........
I mean, seriously, would you really quit drinking?lol
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1 product review
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13. September 2008 @ 02:05 |
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I think I might have to take a drink :D
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ddp
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13. September 2008 @ 15:34 |
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i think they will drive you to drink.
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Member
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15. September 2008 @ 00:05 |
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The Genie
Three men, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Texan sits down, cracks open a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. September 2008 @ 11:27 |
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From an e-mail that I got today:
TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. ! Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their caffeine addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk ! And see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
'Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.'
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 15. September 2008 @ 11:28
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ddp
Moderator
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15. September 2008 @ 15:54 |
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bruce, what happened to line 16?
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Senior Member
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16. September 2008 @ 12:42 |
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SUBJECT: Men Never Listen:)
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said '
You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as
he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a
red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warmwater, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder
puff caressed his bottom adding afragile scent of spring flower to
this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder
puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing
he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The
button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. September 2008 @ 12:47 |
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Did you say something Antoinette LOL!
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Senior Member
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16. September 2008 @ 13:15 |
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Ever happen to you Noel or sorry can you hear me:)lol
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 16. September 2008 @ 13:16
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. September 2008 @ 18:35 |
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Originally posted by ddp:
bruce, what happened to line 16?
D*amned if I know. LOL.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Senior Member
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20. September 2008 @ 17:48 |
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
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Senior Member
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22. September 2008 @ 00:19 |
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Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women
10.) You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
9.) You can take one handgun on the road and keep another one at home.
8.) If you admire another man's gun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
7.) Your primary gun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.
6.) Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5.) A handgun doesn't take up alot of closet space.
4.) Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3.) A handgun doesn't ask..."Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2.) A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after using it.
1.) You can buy a silencer for a handgun!
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Senior Member
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22. September 2008 @ 08:44 |
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The pencil...
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted
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Senior Member
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23. September 2008 @ 09:40 |
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This is one of Brian1956's jokes:
Your Parrot is Dead
The telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod',
she showed up very late one night with her boyfriend and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Callaway Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!'
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Senior Member
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23. September 2008 @ 19:07 |
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. September 2008 @ 19:22
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Member
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10. October 2008 @ 01:15 |
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The Vibrator
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the gir l's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
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Senior Member
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10. October 2008 @ 10:09 |
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A picture paints a thousand words! LOL!
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Member
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11. October 2008 @ 01:18 |
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I've seen that one... I laughed my a$$ off when i saw it =)
Ole and Lena
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished vet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done vet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the barn and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40 !!!!!!.
Laptop- AMD Athlon X2 64 @1.9ghz, 4gb ddr2 @667mhz, 120 gb hdd, nVidia GeForce 8200m, 8x DVD-DL Burner, 15.4" widescreen, Windows 7 Ultimate
V9 PS2 with clear blue fliptop& swapmagic 3.6
iPhone 3G 8GB OS 3.0 Jailbroken w/ MMS and Tethering Enabled
30gb Black Video iPod
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6. November 2008 @ 01:44 |
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Wrong email address!
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 20, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Laptop- AMD Athlon X2 64 @1.9ghz, 4gb ddr2 @667mhz, 120 gb hdd, nVidia GeForce 8200m, 8x DVD-DL Burner, 15.4" widescreen, Windows 7 Ultimate
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iPhone 3G 8GB OS 3.0 Jailbroken w/ MMS and Tethering Enabled
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Senior Member
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13. November 2008 @ 09:04 |
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand
along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said....
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"Clean my house."
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Icanbe
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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13. November 2008 @ 15:51 |
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was found dead on the porch.
20 Years ago I saw you yesterday, Youre looking at the picture now.
We Are, What We Are - Sepultura
Say what you want, Time will always tell the truth. |
Senior Member
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16. November 2008 @ 03:08 |
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Three good men walk through the forest. They meet a fairy, who says to them, "Since you are all good men, I'll let you each have what you want."
The fairy leads them to a pool of water, and tells them, "Before you jump into this pool, say what you want, and then the pool will be full of it."
So, the first man runs, shouts "Gold!", and jumps into the pool. Lo and behold, the pool becomes a pool of gold bars, which the first man takes home happily.
The second man runs, shouts "Diamond!", and jumps into the pool. The pool then becomes a pool of diamonds, which the second man takes home happily.
The third man is astonished, and being impatient, runs too fast, thus does not notice a banana skin on the side of the pool. He slips on the banana skin, and mutters under his breath, "Shit!", then proceeds to fall into the pool.
Life is but a dream; you dont feel any pain unless you want to or you fall off the bed.
Success is relative; the more success the more relatives.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
To be or not to be; thats a dumb question.
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Senior Member
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18. November 2008 @ 06:54 |
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Most of you probably heard this joke some way or another, but I doubt that it was the full version. Here is the full version: Try to cover the answers as you go along...
1. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge in three steps?
Ans: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.
2. How do you put an elephant in the fridge in four steps?
Ans: Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door.
3. All the animals had a meeting. Which animal didn't come?
Ans: The elephant, because it's still in the fridge.
4. A prince wants to cross a river known to be full of man-eating crocodiles. How does he get across?
Ans: He swims across. The man-eating crocodiles are at the animal meeting.
5. You are in a crashing plane, and you want to slow the plane's descent. What do you throw out of the window: a fridge, or a car?
Ans: The fridge, because it's heavier. Remember, it has the elephant in it.
6. The prince is running across the desert to save the princess. All of a sudden, he fell dead. Why?
Ans: Because the fridge fell on him.
7. The princess is trapped in a tower. However, the tower collapses and she manages to escape. Why does the tower collapse?
Ans: Because the plane crashed into it.
8. Now the princess wants to cross the river, and the man-eating crocodiles are back. How does she cross the river?
Ans: She swims across. These are man-eating crocodiles, not woman-eating crocodiles.
Best Regards :D
Life is but a dream; you dont feel any pain unless you want to or you fall off the bed.
Success is relative; the more success the more relatives.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
To be or not to be; thats a dumb question.
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Icanbe
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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18. November 2008 @ 12:58 |
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MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Police Officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
20 Years ago I saw you yesterday, Youre looking at the picture now.
We Are, What We Are - Sepultura
Say what you want, Time will always tell the truth.
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. November 2008 @ 10:48 |
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Baptist Cowboy:
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.' The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.' 'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
Antec 1200 Full-Tower Case/Thermaltake 750-Watt PS/ASUS SABERTOOTH Z77 Mobo/Western Digital Black WD500 500GB 7200 RPM 64MB Cache/NVIDIA GeForce 8800GTX 384-bit GDDR3 PCI Express Video Card/CORSAIR DOMINATOR PLATINUM 16GB DDR3 /Intel Core i7-3770K Ivy Bridge 3.5GHz (3.9GHz Turbo)/CORSAIR Hydro High Performance Liquid CPU Cooler/3-Asus DRW-24B1ST Sata Drives/Samsung 2493HM 24" LCD Monitior 1920x1200 resolution,5ms respone time/OS Windows 10 Pro SP1 64-bit
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