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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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Moderator
1 product review
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18. November 2007 @ 07:56 |
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Hello regor....someone must have gotten their GPS fixed.
She was in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this
very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment,
he embraced her and then gave
it his all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Moderator
1 product review
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18. November 2007 @ 08:22 |
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied'
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SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
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SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
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SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
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SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 --
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
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Two bonus extras:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....
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regor
Senior Member
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21. November 2007 @ 00:13 |
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or an iPhone for my birthday. It has a crude GPS built in - you has to know where you are - but if you unlock the iPhone there is a GPS applet that works pretty well using cell towers and wireless hotspots; and it's free.
:)
hi back LOCOENG, et al.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
Senior Member
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23. November 2007 @ 21:49 |
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If a fat man grabs u and stuffs u in a bag...DONT WORRY!!! i asked
santa for a c*cks*cker for christmas
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regor
Senior Member
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28. November 2007 @ 13:55 |
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word
out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
Senior Member
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19. December 2007 @ 02:19 |
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What 4 animals do you see after sex? 2 tired asses, 1 wet cat, and 1 dead cock!
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. February 2008 @ 18:30 |
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Cussing In Church
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says
to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
" I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's
study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that
the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old
geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
â??There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to
get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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AfterDawn Addict
3 product reviews
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7. February 2008 @ 18:48 |
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Grandpa (not BW...at least, i don't think so ;D) and Grandson get up early one Saturday morning to go fishing. Grandma packs them both a sack lunch as only a Grandma can pack one, and the boys head off.
Sitting in the middle of the river in their boat, Grandpa opens his cooler and pulls out a beer.
Grandson says "Grandpa, can i have some of your beer?"
"Well now," Grandpa says, "That depends. Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Umm...No." Grandson says.
"Then you can't have any beer." Grandpa states, and drinks his beer.
Half an hour later Grandpa gets a bite on his line and begins reeling it in. Grandson says..."Grandpa! Can i real it in?"
Without missing a beat Grandpa says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandson says, "No." And hangs his head.
Time goes by and Grandson is fishing, waiting on his big catch, Grandpa is drinking beer and doing the same. Finally, they decide to break for lunch.
Grandpa pulls his sack lunch out and begins to eat his sandwich, as he upacks what Grandma put together for him. Other than the sandwich, all he had was an apple. Grandson pulls his sack lunch out and begins to look through what Grandma packed him.
A sandwich, some potato chips, an apple, and some cookies. Grandpas eyes locked on the cookie bag as he leaned in close to the Grandson.
"Hey," Grandpa said. "You think i could have one of those cookies?"
Grandson looked up at Grandpa and said,
"Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?"
Grandpa chuckled, a little surprised by the question, but answered. "Why yes it is."
Grandson smiled back as he said, "Then go #*ck yourself 'cause you're not getting my cookies!"
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Senior Member
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12. February 2008 @ 01:11 |
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Definition of a nervous break down, a man has a house payment, a truck
payment, a wife, a girlfriend, and they r all a month late
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Member
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14. February 2008 @ 22:26 |
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One day there were three men hunting in the jungle. They got captured by cannibals.
They told the men to follow their instructions carefully, or they'd be killed and eaten. The men, of course, agreed.
They told them to go into the forest and bring back ten pieces of the same fruit. So the men went.
The first guy came back with ten apples. They told him to stick all ten of them up his behind without any expression on his face, and he'd be let free. He tried, but after the third one he screamed out in pain. So they killed and ate him.
The second guy came back with some small berries. They told him to do the same thing, so he tried. He got all the way to eight.... then he started laughing! So they killed and ate him too.
Later, the first guy met the second guy in heaven. He asked him "Why did you laugh, you were so close!" The second guy replied "I laughed because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
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Member
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16. February 2008 @ 06:34 |
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* Q:Whats the best thing about alzheimers disease?
A: You meet new people everyday!
Q: Did you hear about the blind gynocologist?
A: He was a lip reader!
**A blind man and a pilot were flying around the country. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The blind man radios to the station and screams to the person on the other line...Ď am blind, the pilot just died and we are flying upside down....what do i do?" The man replies.."how do you know you are upside down if you are blind?" he replied.."because i shit my pants and its running up my neck!
Q: How can you tell an efficient nurse?
A: Shes the one that can make a patient without disturbing the bed!
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. February 2008 @ 16:57 |
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Misbehaving
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the appalling behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time,too. When the angel returned he went to God And said, "Yes, it's true.. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5%, who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
..
..
No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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AfterDawn Addict
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13. March 2008 @ 18:50 |
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The Missing Husband
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than
6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for
work. When his wife woke up she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to
the driveway, and brought the box back in
the house.
She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 13. March 2008 @ 18:51
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varnull
Suspended permanently
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14. March 2008 @ 01:41 |
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AfterDawn Addict
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14. March 2008 @ 02:08 |
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'My point exactly.'
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
Antec 1200 Full-Tower Case/Thermaltake 750-Watt PS/ASUS SABERTOOTH Z77 Mobo/Western Digital Black WD500 500GB 7200 RPM 64MB Cache/NVIDIA GeForce 8800GTX 384-bit GDDR3 PCI Express Video Card/CORSAIR DOMINATOR PLATINUM 16GB DDR3 /Intel Core i7-3770K Ivy Bridge 3.5GHz (3.9GHz Turbo)/CORSAIR Hydro High Performance Liquid CPU Cooler/3-Asus DRW-24B1ST Sata Drives/Samsung 2493HM 24" LCD Monitior 1920x1200 resolution,5ms respone time/OS Windows 10 Pro SP1 64-bit
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 14. March 2008 @ 02:24
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Moderator
1 product review
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11. May 2008 @ 21:10 |
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in
a nearby cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and used them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.
After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These darn girls' nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst . My wife came home with no panties!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband. 'Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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Member
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14. May 2008 @ 13:16 |
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There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
Laptop- AMD Athlon X2 64 @1.9ghz, 4gb ddr2 @667mhz, 120 gb hdd, nVidia GeForce 8200m, 8x DVD-DL Burner, 15.4" widescreen, Windows 7 Ultimate
V9 PS2 with clear blue fliptop& swapmagic 3.6
iPhone 3G 8GB OS 3.0 Jailbroken w/ MMS and Tethering Enabled
30gb Black Video iPod
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Senior Member
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17. May 2008 @ 01:28 |
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Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men....
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask
over their eyes...
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home,
he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the
woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'"
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was
wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all
night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and
mask over my eyes . My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a
beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'"
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Senior Member
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17. May 2008 @ 01:50 |
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A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE. "
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD > CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND." NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE", BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."
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Senior Member
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17. May 2008 @ 01:52 |
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Subject: making a baby
>
>
>
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a >surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father >was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, >I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer >happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, >Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
>'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been >expecting you.'
>
>'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did >you know babies are my specialty?'
>
>'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
>
>After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
>'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on >the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living >room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>
>'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
>
>'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if >we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven >angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
>'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to >be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>
>'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of >his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
>'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
>'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider >their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
>'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get >the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep >to get a good look'
>
>'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
>'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, >too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could >hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my >shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I >just had to pack it all in.'
>
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on >your, uh...equipment?'
>
>'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my >tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
>'Tripod?'
>
>'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's >much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
>Mrs. Smith fainted.....
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Senior Member
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17. May 2008 @ 01:59 |
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O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rgh it pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
i had to do this one, it reminds me of alot of the post i read around here.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 17. May 2008 @ 02:05
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Senior Member
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19. May 2008 @ 13:47 |
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Silent Fart
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered
to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart.
What do you think I should do?'
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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bcook77
Newbie
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1. August 2008 @ 23:58 |
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Wal-Mart has no sense of humor.
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your husband. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ....
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Yours very truly,
Management of Wal-Mart
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AfterDawn Addict
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15. August 2008 @ 15:40 |
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FIRST DATE PROBLEMS
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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10. September 2008 @ 12:27 |
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The Talking Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
Dogs
> Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
> up
> a conversation.
>
> The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
>
> The chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
> sofa,
> the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
> pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
>
> The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
>
> "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They
> reckon
> it'll calm me down."
>
> The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
>
> The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
> trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
> carpets.
> But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
> owner's couch."
>
> "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.
>
> "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.
>
> The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
>
> "I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
> cat,
> a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
> see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was
> bending
> down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her
> back
> and started hammering away".
>
> The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
> off
> for you too, huh?"
>
> The black Lab said...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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V9 PS2 with clear blue fliptop& swapmagic 3.6
iPhone 3G 8GB OS 3.0 Jailbroken w/ MMS and Tethering Enabled
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