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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 11:21 |
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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work
period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take the initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace
carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
PLUS: 5 reasons NOT to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and......
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. November 2006 @ 11:32 |
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman.
"The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, `tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!" says Tommy
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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5. November 2006 @ 19:59 |
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$80,000 MORTGAGE
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him,? I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming, too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein |
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6. November 2006 @ 02:34 |
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Originally posted by crowy:
I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming, too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
sooo wrong... soo soo wrong... :P
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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13. November 2006 @ 13:10 |
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for year sall my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 13. November 2006 @ 13:11
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. December 2006 @ 13:35 |
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Wow! I forgot about this thread. I just caught up on a lot of jokes and am laughing like crazy. LOLLOL
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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18. December 2006 @ 00:16 |
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GrandpaBW,
If it was'nt for you,this thread would'nt exist.... LOL!!!!!
All the best for the silly season!!
Regards,
Crowy..
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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AfterDawn Addict
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18. December 2006 @ 06:20 |
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Originally posted by crowy:
GrandpaBW,
If it was'nt for you,this thread would'nt exist.... LOL!!!!!
All the best for the silly season!!
Regards,
Crowy..
All the best to you, too.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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AfterDawn Addict
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27. October 2007 @ 15:44 |
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It's time to resurrect this thread. :)
Don't Mess With A Senior Citizen
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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27. October 2007 @ 17:10 |
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nice thread gramps
1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.
5. Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing
6. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts!
7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
8. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut...
9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"
And the winner is......
Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?
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AfterDawn Addict
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31. October 2007 @ 22:30 |
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One day a man came home and.....
One day a man came home and was greeted at the door by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up" she purred, "and you can do anything you want". So he tied her up and went golfing.
16 Gets You 20
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring,
so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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1. November 2007 @ 02:50 |
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If you are sitting next to somone who irritates you on a plane or train....
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this email.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link:
http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf
Email this to your friends!!
Regards,Crowy.
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. November 2007 @ 02:53
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ddp
Moderator
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1. November 2007 @ 15:42 |
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crowy, that is 1 way of getting arrested or at least kicked off your flight.
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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1. November 2007 @ 17:41 |
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Originally posted by ddp:
crowy, that is 1 way of getting arrested or at least kicked off your flight.
Ya think so?!!LOL!!
Regards,Crowy.
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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2. November 2007 @ 02:12 |
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@ ddp : wheres your joke ddp, it is a joke thread you know.Cant believe it got to 59 pages.
Two cowboys walk in to a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who has been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman signals No, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a little blue, shakes her head "No" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down her butt crack. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in inspiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
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1 product review
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10. November 2007 @ 14:43 |
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GHOST SEX!
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back thar I thought you said......... "Goats !"
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11. November 2007 @ 04:00 |
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay down on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing."
The sky has no limit
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Senior Member
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12. November 2007 @ 02:51 |
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A young man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks the man "what's the celebration?"
the man replies " First BJ"
The bartenders smiles and says "Well then, have an extra one on the house."
The young man shakes his head and says "No thanks. If seven don't get that taste out nothing will.....
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Senior Member
7 product reviews
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15. November 2007 @ 10:11 |
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The 11thHusband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he tho ught he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a
Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
I KNOW............. SHAME ON ME! ! ! !
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Senior Member
7 product reviews
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15. November 2007 @ 10:13 |
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The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
And how about you, little Edward, can you show us your good manners? Edward said, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The Teacher Fainted !
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16. November 2007 @ 01:43 |
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"
The sky has no limit
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regor
Senior Member
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17. November 2007 @ 00:42 |
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A seeker has heard that the wisest guru in all of India lives atop India's highest mountain. So the seeker treks over hill and Delhi until he reaches the fabled mountain. It's incredibly steep, and more than once he slips and falls. By the time he reaches the top, he is full of cuts and bruises, but there is the guru, sitting cross-legged in front of his cave.
"O, wise guru," the seeker says, "I have come to ask you what the secret of life is."
"Ah, yes, the secret of life," the guru says. "The secret of life is a teacup."
"A teacup? I came all the way up here to find the meaning of life, and you tell me it's a teacup!"
The guru shrugs. "So maybe it isn't a teacup."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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ddp
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17. November 2007 @ 13:21 |
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hello regor.
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17. November 2007 @ 14:29 |
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hello ddp ol'boy fancy meeting you here
The sky has no limit
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regor
Senior Member
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18. November 2007 @ 01:05 |
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well hello there ddp!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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