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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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crowy
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11. September 2006 @ 23:53 |
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Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased... did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself. She watched chick flicks, never football, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein |
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crowy
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11. September 2006 @ 23:54 |
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up Until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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regor
Senior Member
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13. September 2006 @ 13:11 |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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crowy
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13. September 2006 @ 23:02 |
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If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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crowy
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18. September 2006 @ 17:23 |
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A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they
passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have
some special sandals I tink you would be very very interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
hearing the man's claims, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them.
The husband asked the man, "How could a pair of sandals possibly
increase my sex drive?"
The Pakistani replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his
feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his
own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani then began screaming...
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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regor
Senior Member
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20. September 2006 @ 19:36 |
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then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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20. September 2006 @ 20:21 |
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you grew a beard, regor ^.^
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AfterDawn Addict
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21. September 2006 @ 11:18 |
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NEWBIE WEATHER FORECASTING REPORT,
thanks to crowy pix...
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Senior Member
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21. September 2006 @ 13:21 |
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lol ireland your throwing newbies away from afterdawn lol.
great picture though must have taken a bit of time.
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Senior Member
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21. September 2006 @ 15:00 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 21. September 2006 @ 15:00
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AfterDawn Addict
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21. September 2006 @ 17:21 |
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glitchzoo
it took me around 15 min to redo that pix,including the upload here..
and i do not use photoshop..
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AfterDawn Addict
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21. September 2006 @ 17:45 |
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glitchzoo
heres one of ye pixs ye posted,big change is,now his arm is pointing down...and i put the bears Shadow in front..........
RIAA IS AFTER ME IRISH TEDDY BEAR..
cheers and good night
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 21. September 2006 @ 17:47
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regor
Senior Member
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21. September 2006 @ 18:32 |
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I've always had a beard. Well, practically. I think it was 1981 or 82 that I shaved my beard off for the first time ever since my wife and then 2 kids had even even seen me shaved.
It was New Years eve. We had friends over (tradition to swap homes every other year for New Years celebration; that way we could walk instead of drive and alternating between years the burden of mess and debris and vomit wasn't on the same family to clean up year after year :)
Minutes before the bell toll midnight I was already prepared to run into the bathroom and very quickly, with an electric razor/shear shave my beard off. I did exactly that. Zip Zip Zooey! Gone!
I walked into the living room as the bell tolled, every one was standing in there yipping and yelling the new year in.... I stood next to my wife and put my arm around her. Turned in to give her a New Years smackola right on the lips and she looked at me and said "GROW IT BACK".
I did!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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21. September 2006 @ 22:42 |
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wow they got a whole squad to hunt down a teddy bear lol
have you looked at all the pics? there funny
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crowy
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22. September 2006 @ 01:19 |
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "The owner comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry .
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for
the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of the box, puts
one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best PAL, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
THERE'S MORE. . .
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard
box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, "
Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either! "
IT IS NOT OVER YET. .
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and
hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits
a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry
with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and
his fook'n hengliding! "
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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crowy
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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25. September 2006 @ 02:51 |
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THIS LITTLE STORY WILL SURELY MAKE YOU SMILE!
>>
>> A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
>> She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
>> She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch,
>> totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
>> "What are you doing?" she asked.
>> "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
>> answered.
>> "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>> "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
>> "Love dress? But you're naked!"
>> "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
>> to no end. Ever y time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
>> romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
>> The mother-in-law left.
>> When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best
>> perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch
>> waiting for her husband to arrive.
>> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying
>> there so provocatively.
>> "What are you doing?" he asked.
>> "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
>> "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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Senior Member
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25. September 2006 @ 14:39 |
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dudes i need jokes badly cumon im at this place every mon and thursday and the main guy there always put me on the spot for a joke and guess what ... i dont know any or i forget them and tell them muddled up :'(.
Ireland help me :'(
btw good one crowy thats ones quite good :P
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crowy
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27. September 2006 @ 03:03 |
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The Doctor said,
"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of him self.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then sai d, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
" Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 27. September 2006 @ 03:04
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crowy
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29. September 2006 @ 03:51 |
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Corporate Lesson 1 :
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, " Who was that? "
" It was Bob the next door neighbour, " she replies.
" Great! " the husband says, " did he say anything about the $800 he owes me? "
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, " Father, remember Psalm 129? "
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, " Father, remember Psalm 129? "
The priest apologized " Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. "
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, " Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. "
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, " I'll give each of you just one wish. "
" Me first! Me first! " says the admin. clerk.
" I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. " Poof! She's gone.
" Me next! Me next! " says the sales rep. " I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
" OK, you're up, " the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, " I want those two back in the office after lunch. "
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, " Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? "
The crow answered: " Sure, why not. "
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
" I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. "
" Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? " replied the bull. "
They're packed with nutrients. "
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull**** t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there .
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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Senior Member
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29. September 2006 @ 07:39 |
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thats some very usefull information lol need to remember it at all times got anymore?
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crowy
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21. October 2006 @ 18:57 |
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey this looks like yours."
"I don't remember much after that."
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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Junior Member
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21. October 2006 @ 19:20 |
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^.^ LMFAO
sig made by me, i think. |
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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21. October 2006 @ 19:53 |
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the girlfriend enjoyed that one, crowy...it friggin' brought tears to my eyes.
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regor
Senior Member
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22. October 2006 @ 19:55 |
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then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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crowy
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27. October 2006 @ 21:23 |
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A biology professor at the University of Australia, was giving a
lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year
medical students.
Realizing that this wasn't the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood....
He pointed to a young woman in the first row, and asked, " do you know
what your arsehole is doing whilst your having an orgasm"
She replied " probably out fishing with his mates "
If the facts dont fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
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