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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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andmerr
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2. March 2006 @ 19:36 |
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i like the puppy ireland
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andmerr
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2. March 2006 @ 22:50 |
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Three daughters
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.
One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room.
He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.
When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.
He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.
There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
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Old lover
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
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Falling from balcony
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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tocool4u
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3. March 2006 @ 12:32 |
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Here are some pics..........enjoy
Check my profile for full size.....
edited by ddp
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 3. March 2006 @ 16:28
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Junior Member
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3. March 2006 @ 18:24 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 3. March 2006 @ 18:43
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Moderator
1 product review
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7. March 2006 @ 15:40 |
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Joe goes to the doctor with a chronic headache.
The doctor said, "Joe, you have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
The elderly Jewish tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
The salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" .............Joe said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right,
Then salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34........ Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit = $800
New shirt = $59
New underwear = $8
Second opinion = PRICELESS
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regor
Senior Member
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7. March 2006 @ 18:27 |
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that was priceless :)
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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7. March 2006 @ 23:00 |
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Mom, I'm gay
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
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Junior Member
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8. March 2006 @ 08:44 |
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that was freaking awesome andmerr, a good laugh
sig made by me, i think. |
Moderator
1 product review
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8. March 2006 @ 10:49 |
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Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain :
1. OKLAHOMO
2. HIGH NOONER
3. THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
4. JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
5. POLESMOKE
6. BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
7. THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
8. HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
9. THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
10. DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID 1
11. VERY RAW HIDE
12. LONESOME DOUG
13. A FISTFUL OF NED
14. HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
15. QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
16. BAREBACK MOUNTING
17. BONE-NANZA
18. DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
19. HOME ON THE RANGER
20. ROOSTER COCKBURN
21. PRANCES WITH WOLVES
22. BALONEY PONY RODEO
23. TAKEN IT IN THE SCOTT
24. TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
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regor
Senior Member
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8. March 2006 @ 18:51 |
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@ LOCOENG - Knock it off man you are breeaaking my back!
hUmOr
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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8. March 2006 @ 23:39 |
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hey regor wheres the pics
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regor
Senior Member
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9. March 2006 @ 20:49 |
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i just don't get it andmerr... the pics are there. the pics are there.
this is queer. I don't know just how to troubleshoot.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
Suspended permanently
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9. March 2006 @ 20:53 |
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ok this is what we are seeing at the moment
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colw
Senior Member
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10. March 2006 @ 00:28 |
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HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT
PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an
open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze
the situation.
If they are counting the
bricks.
Put them in the accounts
department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks
into pieces.
Put them in information
technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried
different combinations, yet
not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for
the day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the
window.
Put them on strategic
planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
other and not a single brick
has been
moved.
Congratulate them and put them
in top management.
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andmerr
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10. March 2006 @ 08:44 |
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Shopping for wives
Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.
The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."
The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"
The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."
The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"
The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"
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Obscene caller
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."
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What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
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Hi Roger
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
"No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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12. March 2006 @ 07:47 |
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@regor
use imageshack instead of photobucket, maybe that will fix it.
 Piss me off, and I Will ignore You! |
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andmerr
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16. March 2006 @ 06:14 |
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Toast
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.
So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Submitted by Calamjo
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Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Submitted by Calamjo
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Tax Return
There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
another friday come and gone
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Moderator
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18. March 2006 @ 11:02 |
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sorry i never contribute to this one; andmerr has asked me to close his friday funnies thread as a bribe for ireland to stay :)
Main PC ~ Intel C2Q Q6600 (G0 Stepping)/Gigabyte GA-EP45-DS3/2GB Crucial Ballistix PC2-8500/Zalman CNPS9700/Antec 900/Corsair HX 620W
Network ~ DD-WRT ~ 2node WDS-WPA2/AES ~ Buffalo WHR-G54S. 3node WPA2/AES ~ WRT54GS v6 (inc. WEP BSSID), WRT54G v2, WRT54G2 v1. *** Forum Rules *** |
Moderator
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19. March 2006 @ 09:54 |
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reopened after refurbishments and popular requests and backhanders
Main PC ~ Intel C2Q Q6600 (G0 Stepping)/Gigabyte GA-EP45-DS3/2GB Crucial Ballistix PC2-8500/Zalman CNPS9700/Antec 900/Corsair HX 620W
Network ~ DD-WRT ~ 2node WDS-WPA2/AES ~ Buffalo WHR-G54S. 3node WPA2/AES ~ WRT54GS v6 (inc. WEP BSSID), WRT54G v2, WRT54G2 v1. *** Forum Rules ***
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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19. March 2006 @ 12:06 |
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mwahahah....aw creaky, we love ya :D
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. March 2006 @ 12:06 |
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THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! This is a very nice anniversary present. :) It is my wife's and my 36th wedding anniversary today. Life is good.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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Auslander
AfterDawn Addict
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19. March 2006 @ 12:14 |
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congratulations, Bruce! the relationship between you and your wife is one to be admired and envied! here's to another 36 years! :D
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AfterDawn Addict
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19. March 2006 @ 13:03 |
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Thank you,young fella. I wasn't too much older than you when I got married. I was 20, and she was 18.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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andmerr
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23. March 2006 @ 01:13 |
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getting in early as friday is but 2 hours away:
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. March 2006 @ 04:46 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. March 2006 @ 04:59
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