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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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ddp
Moderator
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23. March 2006 @ 10:23 |
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ireland, no picture in your link. got same as what you posted if you see this than goto the link.
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Advertisement
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AfterDawn Addict
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23. March 2006 @ 13:00 |
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NOW CAN YE SEE THE PIX,
WHO WANTS TO BE A PUSSY (cat) LOVER ON FRIDAY NIGHT
NOT ME,
give me mon,tue,wed,thur,{???},sat,sun below is a friday night cute pussy.
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ddp
Moderator
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23. March 2006 @ 13:36 |
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yes, scary!!!!
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Senior Member
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23. March 2006 @ 19:42 |
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Texas Justice
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? -Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? ?It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?-No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? -All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have
hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? -No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? -No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? -She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? -I got proof.
What kind of proof? -She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover".
Twin Brothers
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John was married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the
owner of a small dilapidated boat. It happens that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank.
A kind old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for his brother John said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible".
Joe responded, "Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so, I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place. What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town who came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle". The Old Lady FAINTED
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. March 2006 @ 20:12
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Senior Member
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23. March 2006 @ 19:57 |
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This one is priceless. Well see for yourself---> http://saoma.com/temp/bush/ Be sure to turn up your speaker volume before clicking on the link. Just follow along with the text.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 23. March 2006 @ 20:02
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regor
Senior Member
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24. March 2006 @ 18:51 |
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A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:
Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell?
The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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forkman
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25. March 2006 @ 12:02 |
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THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It is important to find someone who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It is important to find someone who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find someone who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find someone who is good in bed and who
likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four people don't know each other!
I drink lots because my Liver is EVIL
and must be punished.
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forkman
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25. March 2006 @ 12:05 |
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Not quite a Friday funny but try this any way
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions
and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll
down UNTIL you have answered each question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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>The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly-complicated way.
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>2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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>Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?"
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>Wrong Answer.
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>Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions
of your previous actions.
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>3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend...
>except one. Which animal does not attend?
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>Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
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>4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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>Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
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>According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
>they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct
>answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that
>most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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>Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
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>PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
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I drink lots because my Liver is EVIL
and must be punished.
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jazo123
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25. March 2006 @ 12:35 |
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LMAO I got every single one wrong LOL
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Junior Member
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27. March 2006 @ 08:39 |
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sig made by me, i think. |
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tocool4u
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27. March 2006 @ 09:48 |
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That was pretty funny
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jazo123
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27. March 2006 @ 18:46 |
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regor--
Quote:
A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:
Hahahaha LMAO
Thats some funny $hit!!!!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 27. March 2006 @ 18:47
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regor
Senior Member
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29. March 2006 @ 18:33 |
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Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a
Verizon help desk.
I talked to him yesterday.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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jazo123
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29. March 2006 @ 19:46 |
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LMAO I've heard that before, but the end is new to me!
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regor
Senior Member
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30. March 2006 @ 18:32 |
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yes, but Ireland doean't have a thumbnail... what's up with that? I have two thumbnails. I am blessed. We are blessed. Ireland is --- blessed :(
ok Ireland, you are blessed but you still don't have no thumbnail.
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 30. March 2006 @ 18:34
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Junior Member
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31. March 2006 @ 09:11 |
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That?s right."
So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That?ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.
"Jeez, I?d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He?s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/army_baby.jpg
http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/shut_up.gif
http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/beerfreeze.jpg
ALright im done, but there are so many good pictures on funny junk that i cloud post pages and pages of pix. you should deffinately go to funny junk to look at their pix.
sig made by me, i think.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 31. March 2006 @ 09:16
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AfterDawn Addict
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31. March 2006 @ 11:13 |
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April Fools' Day - Got Milk?
If your milk comes in a cardboard container, add a few drops of food coloring. It's harmless April Fool's joke but the results are pretty colorful.
April Fools' Day - What's That in Your Apple?
For a fruity April Fool's practical joke, get a few gummy worms and carefully poke them into fresh fruit, particularly apples. Give mom or dad a wormy apple for lunch and leave a few apples on the table for friends and family members to snack on.
April Fools' Day - Spare Change
This April Fool's practical joke is old but it still works. Superglue some coins to the sidewalk or any spot that has a lot of people walking around. Make sure it's an appropriate place, then watch people break fingernails to get the coins.
April Fools' Day - One Sick Joke
Fill a hot water bottle with blended leftovers or even pea soup. Keep the bottle hidden under your shirt near your chest and make a trip to the cafeteria. Your friends need to be in on this prank. When the cafeteria is full, make a loud noise to attract attention, bend over the table and squeeze the bottle. Your sludge should spew out all over the table like you've just thrown up.
Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck, ferrari, etc. (Make sure the car isn't already on!) Then get in it and have your parents start it up and it will pop. It will sound like the tire popped.
Grab a bunch of alarm clocks, set them to alarm at very early times in the morning and hide them all around different places at your victims room!
This is one of THE best tricks I know! First you put Saran Wrap or any other clear plastic wrap over the toilet, between the bowl and the seat. Do this at night so it is harder to see. Then when someone goes to the bathroom, SURPRISE! Oh, and a scream. I don't recommend this because I got grounded for 3 months when I tried it. It's funny, and messy, so if you don't take my advice and do it anyway, be ready to clean up the mess! EWW!!!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 31. March 2006 @ 12:16
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AfterDawn Addict
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1. April 2006 @ 11:55 |
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A dinner conversation that went wrong....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
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Guitly Dreaming :
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:
"Up!! Quick! My husband is back.
Her Husband gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes:
"Damn, I'm the husband!"
Who is guilty in this situation?
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. April 2006 @ 12:00
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andmerr
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1. April 2006 @ 20:07 |
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very funny guys keep em coming
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AfterDawn Addict
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1. April 2006 @ 20:13 |
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Heroism in the Mental Hospital
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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Here We Are...
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore". Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
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Heroism and Devotion
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 1. April 2006 @ 20:30
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jazo123
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2. April 2006 @ 08:46 |
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Quote:
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
LMFAO!!!
Somebody already posted that last one awhile ago...but it's still funny as hell!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 2. April 2006 @ 08:49
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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2. April 2006 @ 14:07 |
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Lol, so many jokes out there.
-Mike
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. April 2006 @ 18:11 |
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The Dial
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The dial," had the surgery and all was well. Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything had been working just fine," she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all," she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
"Ah," she replied, "I guess that explains the goatee...
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 2. April 2006 @ 18:20
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jazo123
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2. April 2006 @ 18:23 |
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LMAO nice one cyprus.
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AfterDawn Addict
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2. April 2006 @ 18:38 |
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Hotel bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 2. April 2006 @ 18:42
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