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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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2. April 2006 @ 18:50 |
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Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
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Senior Moment; It could happen to us one day:-)
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Please
be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "its not just one car Its hundreds of them!"
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Abundance of choices can be overwhelming sometimes.
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, Wine,... , or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 2. April 2006 @ 18:51
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tocool4u
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2. April 2006 @ 18:54 |
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True Story
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
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jazo123
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2. April 2006 @ 20:15 |
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HAhA that last one was funny tocool4u, he was just going to get condoms, thats some funny $hit!
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AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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2. April 2006 @ 20:27 |
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LOL,LOL! Funny indeed, I'll go empty my pockets:~)!
 Piss me off, and I Will ignore You! |
AfterDawn Addict
1 product review
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3. April 2006 @ 15:27 |
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My wife left me....And I don't understand why
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 -pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup.
I said, " Wait a minute, I've given up beer and
you haven't given up anything!!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can
look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back.
I guess "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 3. April 2006 @ 15:28
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regor
Senior Member
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3. April 2006 @ 20:27 |
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ok that does it... if Ireland doesn't fix his pic really soon I'm not asking anymore. I mean it!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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jazo123
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4. April 2006 @ 16:30 |
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Which one?
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AfterDawn Addict
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4. April 2006 @ 16:35 |
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i deleted all my pix's in the shout box..getting ready for a stage, right......
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 4. April 2006 @ 16:36
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tocool4u
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4. April 2006 @ 21:31 |
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)
3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion)
4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Hmm . . . .)
6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those
forklifts.)
8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)
9. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to underwater?)
10. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)
12. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
13. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)
14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive
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regor
Senior Member
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5. April 2006 @ 20:45 |
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[quote}i deleted all my pix's in the shout box..getting ready for a stage, right......
well can you post the pic of the transformer/kitty elsewhere then, Ireland, or provide an alternate link?
Ya thanks. R
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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5. April 2006 @ 21:38 |
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Mental asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criterion which defines a patient to be institutionalised.
"Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub".
OK, here's your test:
1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug! Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 03:42 |
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DISCLAIMER: If you find a posting or message from me
offensive, inappropriate, or disruptive, please ignore it.
If you dont know how to ignore a posting, complain to
me and I will be only too happy to demonstrate . . .
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colw
Senior Member
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7. April 2006 @ 03:51 |
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Some more enlightening observations from Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy):
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so
The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
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Junior Member
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7. April 2006 @ 04:44 |
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that was awesome colw, hitchikers guide to the galaxy is cool
the answer is 43
sig made by me, i think. This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 7. April 2006 @ 04:44
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. April 2006 @ 11:51 |
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43?
42 Me thinks.....
Gif by Phantom69
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Junior Member
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10. April 2006 @ 09:46 |
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ah yes you are right my bad
sig made by me, i think.
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andmerr
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13. April 2006 @ 17:56 |
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well another friday and another easter, happy easter to one and all
andmerr
Great inventions
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."
So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".
So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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I'm sorry Ma'am
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know that you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Pregnant lady
A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.
She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.
This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.
He seemed still more amused.
When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.
She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.
When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.
"Your honor, it was like this," he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition."
"She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming.' I had to smile to myself".
"Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling.'"
"When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It,' I couldn't hold myself."
"The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,' and I laughed out loud!"
"Dismissed," said the judge.
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jazo123
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13. April 2006 @ 18:05 |
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funny as always, andmerr!
Happy Easter to you, too!
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andmerr
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13. April 2006 @ 18:07 |
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hey man you have a good one to, dont eat to much chocolate cos you know its bad for ya.............
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jazo123
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13. April 2006 @ 18:09 |
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[as he pops a chocolate egg into his mouth] I won't!
LOL, I forgot, it's only Thursday here in Cali!
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 14. April 2006 @ 10:56
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andmerr
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13. April 2006 @ 18:12 |
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friday midday here
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AfterDawn Addict
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14. April 2006 @ 10:48 |
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Elevator Joke
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
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jazo123
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14. April 2006 @ 10:55 |
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LMAO, nice one
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regor
Senior Member
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16. April 2006 @ 20:34 |
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then what happened?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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Member
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16. April 2006 @ 20:41 |
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fugg it
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