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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies
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andmerr
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17. April 2006 @ 11:04 |
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Randy the rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
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andmerr
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17. April 2006 @ 11:06 |
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Complete coverage
Two men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
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andmerr
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17. April 2006 @ 11:07 |
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Man my life sucks
A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.
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Junior Member
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17. April 2006 @ 17:56 |
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roflmao andmerr, that last one was great.
sig made by me, i think. |
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jazo123
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17. April 2006 @ 21:28 |
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Yeah, funny as always, andmerr!
Regards
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jazo123
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18. April 2006 @ 20:37 |
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This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 18. April 2006 @ 20:38
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regor
Senior Member
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18. April 2006 @ 21:02 |
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Forbidden
You don't have permission to access /62/6/35/96/459563596fNOigA_fs.jpg on this server.
I hate it when that happens!
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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jazo123
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18. April 2006 @ 21:06 |
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LOL, I'll just post it then in a bit.
[edit]
Resized ;-)
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 18. April 2006 @ 21:08
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regor
Senior Member
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19. April 2006 @ 19:31 |
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so he wears a blue shirt every day?
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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jazo123
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19. April 2006 @ 19:56 |
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LOL, Never thought of that, proobably like a company uniform or something.
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andmerr
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20. April 2006 @ 11:49 |
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Disgraced family
A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys."
"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted!
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Send the Wine Back
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,
then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:
"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
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andmerr
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20. April 2006 @ 11:50 |
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I've learned...
...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
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regor
Senior Member
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20. April 2006 @ 20:42 |
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing
Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab
yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we
are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS.! We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you test it again?" Questioned Mrs. Ward.
" Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town....lf he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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andmerr
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20. April 2006 @ 20:51 |
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thats good regor i liked that one
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jazo123
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21. April 2006 @ 07:22 |
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LMAO regor
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22. April 2006 @ 18:58 |
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Heres one...
BTW i have a Spanish Accent, to make it funnier a Mexican Accent or [beaaner but i dont wanna go into the racisim although it is funny]
I was crossing the border to Laredo City and i get stopped at the Border Patrol Booth and they tell me..
"Sir you dont look too American to me, and you dont sound like it neither."
"Sir but I am American born and raised here."
"Ok if you are american then tell me one sentance in English with three colors in it."
"Ok, The phone goes green green green..so i pink up the phone and say "yellow!""
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Heres a couple more.
"Your moma is so fat that when she jumps for joy...she gets stuck."
"Your moma is so fat that when she jumped in the ocean for a swim all the whales came out and sang, "We are Family, all your brother sisters and me."
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And some Chuck Norris Jokes to make you piss your pants.
"97% or women have slept with chuck norris, the other 3% were either very fat or very ugly."
"Theres no such thing as a Lesbian, only a women that hasnt slept with chuck Norris"
"Chuck Norris doesnt use Toilet Paper to wipe himself. He uses 8x10 Sheets of Plywood."
"It is said that when you masturbate god kills a kitten, it is said that when God masturbates Chuck Norris kills a Lion."
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"So this b*tch walks up to me and I say "you want a Piece of this!!", and thats when the Viagra Kicks in."
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This last Joke i came up with just as i typed that last one.
"Sorry but the bible is only a figment of gods imagination."
Kinda a Oximorron.
(+.[___] +) FW 3.03 OE-C and (+.[___] +) FW 3.11
XBL:http://www.xboxlc.com/cards/sig/blueice/The%20Last%20Master.jpg
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jazo123
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22. April 2006 @ 19:06 |
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Quote:
"Chuck Norris doesnt use Toilet Paper to wipe himself. He uses 8x10 Sheets of Plywood."
LMAO!!!
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Junior Member
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24. April 2006 @ 10:09 |
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sig made by me, i think.
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. April 2006 @ 10:10
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AfterDawn Addict
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24. April 2006 @ 18:51 |
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A short joke, Henny Youngman style:
Life Support
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Life is good!
GrandpaBruce - Vietnam Vet - 1970 - 1971
Computer: Intel Core i7-920 Nehalim;Asus P6T Deluxe V2
This message has been edited since posting. Last time this message was edited on 24. April 2006 @ 18:51
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andmerr
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24. April 2006 @ 19:55 |
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Best toast
John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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andmerr
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24. April 2006 @ 19:55 |
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Take off what!!!
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice.
He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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andmerr
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24. April 2006 @ 19:58 |
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Grandpa dies
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"
Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!
"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"
"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"
She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"
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andmerr
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24. April 2006 @ 19:58 |
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Trick-or-treat v Sex
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8 ) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
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Member
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25. April 2006 @ 13:56 |
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Props for andmerr ;)
(+.[___] +) FW 3.03 OE-C and (+.[___] +) FW 3.11
XBL:http://www.xboxlc.com/cards/sig/blueice/The%20Last%20Master.jpg
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regor
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1. May 2006 @ 19:47 |
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about
the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles
regor
Yuk Yuk... If only I was half cow... |
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