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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. June 2006 @ 18:32 |
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Small Towns
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there.
My hometown was so small...
...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
...long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
...the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
...instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
...the local Motel 6 sleeps six
...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
...the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
...we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
...the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
...before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
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AfterDawn Addict
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16. June 2006 @ 19:07 |
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Speaking of really small cities ireland . . . RiverForest is a city located less than one mile from where I live and it is soooo small
Statistics & Facts
The population of River Forest is 16.
The number of families is 9.
The amount of land area in River Forest is 0.042 sq. kilometers.
The amount of surface water is 0 sq kilometers.
The distance from River Forest to Washington DC is 485 miles. The distance to the Indiana state capital is 32 miles. (as the crow flies)
River Forest is positioned 40.10 degrees north of the equator and 85.72 degrees west of the prime meridian.
I realize that this is a joke thread . . but where I live this witty bitty city IS a friggin' joke!
DISCLAIMER: If you find a posting or message from me
offensive, inappropriate, or disruptive, please ignore it.
If you dont know how to ignore a posting, complain to
me and I will be only too happy to demonstrate . . .
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. July 2006 @ 19:57 |
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Secret Cat Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. July 2006 @ 19:58 |
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Women And Dogs
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a check book.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
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AfterDawn Addict
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12. July 2006 @ 20:06 |
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Signs Of Maturity
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
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ZCONCEPT
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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16. August 2006 @ 05:59 |
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MY SHORT CONTRIBUTION
_____________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKikZLRdJVE&mode=related&search=
" Fries Jack Nicholson "
Duration: 1 min. 19 seconds
Uploaded on April 11, 2006 by spacegos
NOTE: Thought y'all might get a chuckle or two
from this animation short.
_______________________________________________________
Signed: Robert Singletary__Wednesday August 16, 2006__9:59 A.M.
(eastern standard time) USA
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ZCONCEPT
Suspended due to non-functional email address
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16. August 2006 @ 07:20 |
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MY LONG CONTRIBUTION
____________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AC4PHaFm8RI
" Rodney Dangerfield on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson "
Duration: 8 min. 19 seconds (loads instantly ).
Uploaded on July 16, 2006 by stereoldies
NOTE: He made this appearance on Feb. 3, 1981
and it's a classic !! I have always enjoyed
Rodney Dangerfield because he never failed
to make me laugh. This video brings back
a lot of fond memories. Hope you enjoy it too !!
________________________________________________________
Signed: Robert Singletary__Wednesday August 16, 2006__11:20 A.M.
(eastern standard time) USA
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 11:56 |
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A Guy on a Date
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 11:58 |
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BABY, I'M HOT
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 11:59 |
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Bicycling Sisters
A group of Sisters from a local convent were out for their Sunday bicycle ride through the suburbs. They were quite a sight: seven in a row on one of those seven-seater tandem bicycles, headed, of course by the Mother Superior.
They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters! You must quiet down ... "
They went over another bump. Again, they sighed "Ooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and warned, "Sisters, please! You're making a spectacle out of us!"
And another bump ... "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and gruffly threatened, "Sisters, this is your last warning. One more 'Oooo' out of any of you and we're going to have to put the seats back on."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:01 |
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Young Blonde with car trouble
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork. An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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7. September 2006 @ 12:03 |
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Yuk-Yuk ... love Catholic jokes; the rebellious side of this old catholic boy never dies!
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:05 |
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A lover's look at the female
From 15 to 20, women are like Africa - Part virgin and part explored.
From 21 to 35, women are like Asia - Hot and exotic.
From 35 to 45, they are like the United States - Fully explored and
free with their resources.
From 45 to 55, they are like Europe - Exhausted, but still interesting
in places.
From 55 on, they are like Australia - Everybody knows it's down there but nobody cares very much.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:08 |
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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7. September 2006 @ 12:09 |
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LOL!
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:11 |
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Subject: Clocks of Heaven
Hillary dies and goes to heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth, and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off a second.
St. Peter explains that one clock has never moved because it belonged to Mother Theresa, and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies in his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter replies,"Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:13 |
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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
Dining Out
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining In Your Home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
* However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips For All Occasions
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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7. September 2006 @ 12:19 |
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* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended
LMAO! I'm such a child lover .... I saved the following from one of your posts long ago Ireland:
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:19 |
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EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS!!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...
or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't reelect them!
If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
If As@holes Could Fly, You'd Train Pilots.
SSDM: Same Sh@t; Different Millennium.
Jesus Loves You Everyone Else Thinks You're An As@hole.
Some People Are Alive Because It's Against The Law To Kill Them.
What Part Of www.MakeMe.com Don't You Understand?
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With As@holes.
If I Gave A Sh@t, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To.
Welcome To Sh@t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
It's Better To Be An Old Fart Than A Young Sh@thead.
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:23 |
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Only in America
Only In America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only In America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only In America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only In America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only In America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only In America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only In America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only In America...do we use the word "Politics"
To describe the process so well:
"Poli" in latin meaning "Many"
And "Tics" meaning "Blood-Sucking Creatures".
Chinese Coupling
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.
What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69", she replies. He responds,
"You wanna beef with bloccolli?"
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:26 |
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
gerry1
another pix
http://www.gamblingmagazine.com/graphics/47-15-G1.jpg
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:29 |
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Irish Humor
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
Amish And The Elevator
lucky.jpg (2074 bytes)An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 23-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Go get your Mother."
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:31 |
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You know you are old when...
You need less mileage and more roughage.
Prime time is bedtime.
Everyone seems too young to be doing what they're doing.
You feel the only one who understands you is your recliner.
You have morning-afters without the night-befores.
The snap, crackle, pop comes from you and not the cereal.
You start ordering oatmeal in Mexican restaurants.
You refer to sex as "Oh, that."
You stop dressing for success and start dressing for support.
You spell relief N-A-P.
All print is fine print.
Women: ATM's
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
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AfterDawn Addict
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7. September 2006 @ 12:38 |
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WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS
Guys have feelings too. But who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
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gerry1
Suspended permanently
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7. September 2006 @ 13:40 |
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@IReland ...LMAO! Damn you've been busy since I left the office!
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